Subject: Mr. Canada aka The Wolf Man

 I recently got home from a 3 week tour of Western Europe, where I was thrust into constant contact with the subject in question. A young man from Victoria, BC, he had facial hair that can only be described as inexplicable. Referred to as ‘Wolf Man’ by most of the group, this subject was in serious need of a pair of clippers. I was just waiting for a game of basketball to break out, a la Teen Wolf. And while his appearance was questionable at best, it was his personality that made him the most annoying and obnoxious person I have ever had the misfortune of associating with.

To paint a picture of the Wolf Man, here are some top examples of his insufferable behavior:

1) An unexplained need to wander the bus whilst in transit, disturbing co-passengers and forcing them to listen to his pointless banter.
2) Trying to photograph the Sistine Chapel, despite the fact that photography isn’t allowed.
3) Wearing a shirt and tie on May 1st and repeatedly telling different people, “you can’t look better than may” referring to himself.

But, the worst quality about Wolf Man was his need to constantly reaffirm his Canadian status. As a Canadian blogger, my patriotism is at a legitimate level. I’m all for being proud of my country. But this guy crossed the line. For example, when addressing a group made up of Canadians, Australians, South Africans, etc. Wolf Man would start every sentence with, “Hey Canadians…” effectively alienating the rest of the group and forcing ‘we Canadians’ to cringe in embarrassment.

Think that’s bad? Trust me, it gets worse. Being Canadian was not enough for the Wolf Man. If you lived anywhere outside of his hometown, Victoria, then you were forced to endure Wolf Man’s criticism about everything from your province’s procedures to the quality of your water. Wolf Man (at the ripe old age of 19) obviously knows best, seeing as he is a 2nd year history major. (Come talk to me in two years when you’re done your degree and have two career options: history teacher or…make that one career option).

The result was our fellow travelers questioning the validity of the Canadian population. They would awkwardly tell us, “if he is the average Canadian, we doubt we’ll be coming to visit.” Or they would mock our awesome country using “Mr. Canada” as the prime example. The Wolf Man is a serious concern for Canadian tourism.

And so, my solution is this: The Canadian passport should have a screening process that not only verifies your citizenship, but determines the threat you pose to our country’s reputation.  If you are an idiot like the Wolf Man, stay put and shut up. Until he shaves the beard and undergoes serious behavior modification, he remains a menace to our society …in a nutshell.