Author Archives: Catherine Kitts

About Catherine Kitts

Catherine (@catkitts) is the party girl in this bowl of nuts. After completing her journalism degree at Carleton University, Catherine now works as a reporter / editor. Though her schedule keeps her busy, she always makes time for some of her biggest passions: the arts, news, fashion, cuisine, literature and many others. You can expect her to cover a wide variety of topics, keeping her finger on the pulse of Ottawa, her hometown. As a veteran of the bar scene, Catherine will bring you to some of her favourite hot spots while providing an insider look on what the average Canadian young woman is thinking, doing, reading, and wearing. Follow her adventures as she makes her way between happy hour and the young professional life. *Bad Habit: never wanting to miss out *Favourite Food: pickles *Favourite Restaurant: Trattoria *Wine of Choice: whatever Kate is drinking *Favourite Band: (solo artist?) Justin Timberlake *Favourite Song: I'll Be Seeing You - Billie Holiday *Fashion Icon: Rachel Bilson *Political Affiliation: none *Favourite Movie: Serendipity *TV Series: The Office *Sport: Hockey *Team: Ottawa Senators *Blackberry or Iphone: Blackberry *Favorite Book: Great Expectations - Charles Dickens ** To contact Catherine write her at : inanutshellca@gmail.com

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 8: Chariot or chug, baton or bust, talk or tears, wedding or RUN.

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“You are the company you keep.”

Right?

I mostly agree with this statement. I think in general, the people you surround yourself with can say a lot about you. For example, me and my best girls, we’re all “nuts”. Ha. Seriously though.

But, does the statement still apply when it comes to family? Is it possible to be a completely sane, normal functioning human but have a family that belongs on a TLC after school special “The Terror Within”? Or what if you’re parents seem lovely but you’re completely cray … Teenage angst? Black sheep? Forgotten child?

In any case, the Bach leading ladies were on a quest to prove that they really are “the one” for Benny Boy with aid from a few family members. What we found was one cool family, one adorable Dad, one still crazy girl and a one sure fire send home.

Lindzi’s date started with … wayyyyyy too much makeup.

Tone it down, Lindzi!

Seriously, the girl has got to tone it down. She is so pretty! About 10 layers of makeup and 40 minutes less a week in the tanning bed and she’d be golden (no pub intended).

Lindzi also rehashed her “Welcome to dumpsville, population you” story. Now, let’s discuss this. I seriously thought that was just her shtick to get on the show. I mean, come on… WHAT adult would EVER say something like that? It’s impossible. So when she opened up about the fact that she thought she was going to marry Mr. Dumpsville I was floored. Completely shocked. HOW could a normal, sane, pretty young woman be with someone capable of such idiocy and more importantly, WHY would you ever admit it?

She also admitted that Dumpsville was her only ever boyfriend, which means she’ll probably blow it on the fantasy date. “That or Ben’s going to faint when her entire face rubs off on her pillow.” – Jess, on the sole inhabitant of dumpsville.

If the girls are to be judged by their parents, then Lindzi redeemed herself big time. Her folks seem fun loving, wild and RICH. Just an everyday chariot race to start the evening off. Followed by Smores and lots of drinks meant that this date was more fun then most of Ben’s. Where can Mr. Harry Cox (YES, that is her father’s name) sign up to be the next Bachelor? WHERE.

If  you watched the show last night, you’ll know that Kacie B was just DOOMED from the get go. Her marching band, baton-twirling entrance made us all cover our eyes in terror.

@inanutshellca "I can't speak. I feel like this is a scene from drop dead gorgeous." - @JessHuddles #thebachelor

She then proceeded to yap like a small dog when she flung herself into Ben’s arms, despite how it rained on her parade. Literally. It was raining and she legit brought a parade. Imbecile.

The beginning portion of the date did however allow us to contemplate what kind of atrocious mane of a head would be created if Ben and Kacie were to breed. Shudder. We think this likeness of Ben pretty much sums it up:

If the hair, marching band and overall lackluster performance of the opening part of Kacie B’s date didn’t solidify her limo ride home, her parents definitely put the seal on that envelope. Holy mother of Mary.

This. is. a. disaster.

Were they ever on Team “Loathe Ben” … from her Mom telling him they didn’t want them to live together after engagement … to her Dad just flat out disagreeing with the whole scenario, this date was more awkward, less …anything positive. Ben handled it well tho: “I have feelings for your daughter andalsosomeoftheotherwomen.” Just DYING to get outta there.

As always, our male correspondent @Bakkesy summed it up best:

@Bakkesy: Just apple juices and long, weird talks at the Kacie B household. #getmeoutofhere @BenFlajnik

Overall the B family was just brutal.

@inanutshellca “Wow. I completely foresee Kacie B blowing up her family home after this.” – @JessHuddles #thebachelor

Of course the real main event was finding out what kind of creatures Courtney spawned from. No wonder they kept this hometown date for last, we were getting antsy about it four minutes into the show.

@inanutshellca Waiting with bated breath to see the cyborgs that are Courtney’s parents. #thebachelor

But one more date stood in our way, Nicki’s. Can’t say we were made about it at all. Nicki’s date was fun and cute and NORMAL. Despite coming from a divorced family, her parents came together to make Ben feel special and welcome. Nicki’s Dad made our room full of Daddy’s girl die with his adorable speech about protecting his daughter. And so, Nicki sails into first place as our favourite and … NICKI’S DAD WINS MVBD (Most Valuable Bach-Daddy). Way to go you soft hearted, weeping, rock of a man.

 @Bakkesy Not a dry eye in the place with @jamesmay021 #Lyon #Thebachelor

“If the Dad is crying do they lose extra points?”  – Meg, on being ruthless in our #BachPool.

Cyborg time.

Mom-myyy?

Despite the fact that Courtney’s dad wore a terrible argyle vest, Courtney’s mom looked like a female Bruce Jenner and Courtney’s sister openly talked about the skinny dipping date in front of her parents … the whole fam was borderline normal. It was upsetting. Seriously. I could not WAIT to see what kind of spells they were going to cook up over a cauldron while Ben ate a gingerbread cookie.

But alas, Cray Courtney almost seemed normal for a few minutes … UNTIL. She left the relatively normal fam and decided to venture out on her own to stage a FAKE wedding. WHAT!? If this had happened with any other girl Benny Boy would have ran for the hills. In fact, I was sort of pleased as it was happening because I thought he just might. But, the lovesick little winemaker is clearly enamored with the SUPER intelligent and sweet (please!) model. Yuck. If a fake wedding can’t deter him from this backstabbing brunette, then it’s a done deal. They should have just ACTUALLY performed the wedding right then and there. Shucks.

IS THIS HAPPENING!?

We all let out a sigh of relief to see Ben back in L.A and back in the arms of Chris. B. Harrison. Wish he was a Bachelor option, always knows just what to say … almost like it was scripted.

Just a truly compassionate individual

But, despite deliberations about who was going home it was clear from the first twirl. Bye bye Kacie. Shockingly she showed an incredible amount of class and grace as she said her goodbyes to Ben and left the premises. Only to unleash the FURY when alone in the limo. Poor sweet Kacie B. was dropping f-bombs like it was her job and was not doubt plotting the arson that will take place on her family home. No hearts in the sky with her hands tonight, I’m afraid.

And so ends another thrilling episode of the season and another BachyParty for the books. A family day well spent with our Bach Fam. Nothing brings people closer like blood boiling drama …

#BachPool Standings

Shannon 411
Kate 398
Rhiannon 328
Jess 299
Catherine 293
Meghan 227

To make myself feel better about my dismal standings ... here's Jenna. I miss her. #Jennaiscray

Beating the left behind blues

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As you get older, it’s inevitable that the list of things you’re going to miss from your younger years continues to grow and grow. In elementary school you start to miss bedtime stories and getting away with refusing to go anywhere unless the means of transportation was your Dad’s back or shoulders. In high school, you miss having three recesses and your mom make your lunch (with a note!). In university you start to miss living free, essays that were two pages long and having someone shake you awake in time for class.
And while I’ve coped pretty decently with all of the above thus far, I’ve made my way to another stage of my life. The working world. And while I CAN appreciate the hefty paycheque, lack of homework and post-5 pm cocktails … there is definitely a long list of things I look back on fondly from my younger years.

The biggest, of which being: TIME. OFF.

Monday marks the beginning of “reading week” for university students in Ottawa and just around the corner is March Break … so while I toil away day in and day out at my desk, it feels like the whole world is departing on vacation. Talks of Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, Florida, Greece are starting to wear away at my psyche. It’s practically all I can do from showing up to work in a bikini and creating vats of sangria in the office coffe pot.

But alas, I suppose I’ll keep my composure. And while my eyes may twitch at the phrase “I need to start packing” or “base tan” I have found my own little ways to trick my brain into thinking, I too, am just a few days away from being a beached whale on a coast somewhere, being fed grapes by a newly friended squirrel monkey. Sigh.

So for my most recent dinner party I made an appetizer that made me think of balconies, ocean waves and coronas instead of the more depressing reality of salt-stained boots, anti-freeze and shovels.

Easy-Peasy Coconut Shrimp Recipe + Sauce

Ingredients

SHRIMP:
- bag of approximately 24 raw shrimp, peeled
- 2 large eggs (beaten)
- 1 cup flour
- 1/2 cup shredded coconut

SAUCE:
1 cup orange marmalade
2 tablespoons dijon mustard
1 tablespoon horseradish

SHRIMP directions

-Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

-Beat the eggs in a cereal-sized bowl

- Pour flour into another small bowl and play coconut into a third

- Take a shrimp and dip it in the following order: flour, egg, flour again, coconut. You must be a little extra agressive at the coconut stage, to make sure each shrimp gets well coated.

- Place shrimp on a non-stick baking sheet

- Repeat the process until desired quantity of shrimp is finished

Place the baking sheet in the pre-heated oven and let the shrimp bake for 10 – 12 minutes, or until golden brown. ** Note: For extra crispy shrimp, fry in a pan with a bit of oil. **

SAUCE directions

Combine marmalade, dijon and horseradish and stir well. For added sweetness, add a drop of honey. Serve together.

…And voila! Pull out the old blender, make a batch of rum-heavy daquiris, put on your best “sounds of the sea” CD and kick back with your feast. For any working gal that is chained to your desk, like I am, it will ALMOST do the trick.

Wanting this.

 

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 7: Sharks and other scary things.

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You might have expected us at in a nutshell to do something really sweet for Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s not secret that we’re a little obssesed with each other and have done a number of posts gushing about the true love we’ve found in our soulmates, our best friends. Or maybe, you were expecting a creative recipe post “Just the cutest cupcakes you’ve ever seen” … sure to cut to the core of any man’s heart – his stomach. Right? Or what about a music playlist to steam things up a little this evening – Sinatra, Bublé, Shaggy .. all the classics.

But, come on now, nuts. Could there BE a more appropriate Valentine’s Day post than a recap of the quintessential romance of our time – The BACHELOR. No, nuts. No, there is not.

If you are in a relationship, by reading this you can be thankful. Thankful that you are not constantly meeting crazies like Courtney. Or, that you’re with someone who doesn’t use spine crippling analogies at every possible given opportunity like Ben Flajnik. And if you read this and are thinking, “Actually, my boyfriend DOES do that … or yes, my girlfriend does get a twitch in her eye as though she was posessed by the devil TOO.” Well then, in a nutshell has served a life-altering purpose. And when you reach the hills that you’ve ran to, you can send us a thank you note.

But, perhaps even a bigger sigh of relief will come reading this if you’re single. Why, spouseless nuts? Because. You, unlike the people on this show, have not stooped to the level of reality TV to find love. Probably, because you have your sanity. And that my friends, is better than any bouquet of red roses, heart shaped box of choclates, or plush stuffed teddy. (Ok, fine.. maybe not the teddy.)

With that said, last night’s episode of the Bachelor was by far the worst one yet for three reasons: 1) Ben has managed to weed out the likes of *most* of our favourites / the craziest women on the planet – Jenna, Blakely, Jennifer – etc. Entertainment value is suffering. There was no one left to curl up in fedal position and declare their premature love. 2) There wasn’t nearly enough Chris B. Harrison 3) Ben proved that he is a COMPLETE. IDIOT. More to follow.

But, we managed to make the most of it having the BEST hashtag-BachyParty, yet. Complete with a scrapbook tribute to Blakley and live appearance from our male correspondent @Bakkesy and sidekick (sorry, I’m not as nice as Jess) @jamesmay021

The show started out with promise, as instantly Nicki was minus 10 points for saying she’s falling in love with Ben and then sobbing to the camera. Six minutes in. This is what I live for.  While she lost complete composure, Lindzi secured the one on one (Jess was elated, serious #girlcrush). But their date quickly turned into the most annoying date in Bachelor history. Naysayers, say nay all you want. But the fact that they were jumping out of a helicopter into water made for the cheesiest conversation about taking leaps of faith and …. I can’t even go on. It is still making my skin crawl.

Just plummet and get it over with. Save us. Please

“Making out while doggy paddling seems like it would be very tiring,” – Kate, on the couple that can overcome any obstacle.

Courtney had a mini breakdown with Emily got the second one on one date. She was crying and we were rejoicing. Everything was glorious until she did one of her infamous “ha HA’s” and I was shaken to my core. God that woman is frightening.

— commercial break —

We died watching this. You’re welcome. “I got the ro-ose”

igottheroose

– and now back to the program –

Emily looks like a blonde Rachel McAdams and Ben's hair is as bad as Owen Wilson's ... this scene is wedding crashers remade

Emily was in contention to be MVB again (three-peat). Seriously, we love her. And she is getting a PhD, which means she is le-git. Even when she said “If only my boyfriend didn’t have five other girlfriends, this would be great!” we were like YES. At least you have a grasp on reality! Unlike anyone that’s ever been on The Bachelor before. In history.

Courtney got partial redemption, however, when she was picked for the final one on one date of the week. Their date was probably the coolest one, visiting ancient ruins. But, you could see that Courtney, the model, didn’t care. at. all. She just wanted to sip from her water glass (did no one else find that incredibly out of place)? And complain about life as a model and bachelor contestant.

Push her off, Ben. Push. her. off.

“I had a tough day yesterday” – Courtney … “Another tough day yesterday?” – Ben …. This is what your life could be like, Ben. EVERY. DAY.

Courtney also revealed that in her spare time she’s an active COD player when she showed off her kill shot skills. Screenname: CrayCourt

But she REALLY topped off the night when she said in an indignant voice: “My job is rough. I am the TALENT.” Courtney. Just. Wow.

Turn those guns on yourself, Courtney. Save humanity.

@inanutshellca @Bakkesy cannot take Courtney any longer #groaning #thebachelor

The group date saw the rest of the ladies pile into a boat and do what every girl dreams of doing to fall in love. SWIM WITH SHARKS. Um, hello. When did Bachelor become survival of the fittest? Pretty sure everyone at our #BachyParty would have been sent home after blood curddling screams, wails and wetting the boat.

Nothing says romance like losing a limb.

@Bakkesy Sharks scare me. Courtney terrifies me #psycho. @inanutshellca

Somehow they managed to get through that, even though Kacie B. hilariously stated “This isn’t fun anymore.”

She ALSO hilariously stated TO BEN that she was falling in love with him which meant a full RESET of her points in our #BachPool … about effing time. I was pumped, Kate was not.

The group date girls also gave ben the low-down on the Cray Whoretney situation and it APPEARED he had listened when he skipped the rose ceremony and then in a moment of heart-stopping TV mastery, asked to see Courtney before giving out the roses.

@inanutshellca Ben will pull Courtney aside. Courtney will tell Ben exactly what he wants to hear. Courtney will still not go home. #benyoushouldgohome #thebachelor

If I had been there I would have been chanting "Walk the plank! Walk the plank!" ... and then I would have been sent home.

And that is EXACTLY what he did. Saying siyanara to Rachel the hottie and Emily, our favourite.

Both girls were crushed, obvs. And Courtney, staying true to form left us with this: See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

"I got the rooo-ose"

#b!*ch

We are QUITE excited however to meet Courtney’s family next week. We wonder if they’ll be in full warlock attire or if they’ll put on Muggle clothes for the cameras.

#BachPoolStandings

Shannon 367
Kate 351 (ha!)
Rhiannon 288
Jess 271
Catherine 268 (victory is within reach … or maybe 3rd place anyway)
Meghan 208

Until next week, addicts.

Oh and a very Happy Valentines Day from everyone at in a nutshell. Make sure to show the special ones in your life some love today, ESPECIALLY your very best girlfriends.

Falling hard for Red Bull Crashed Ice

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If the tiny maple leaf in our logo, photos of us bundled on snowy streets, or constant references to all things ‘true North strong and free’ haven’t given it away … we’re a pretty proud group of Canadian girls.

And with that, comes an innate love for all things maple, woodland or ice related.

So when the opportunity presented itself to attend the Ottawa qualifiers for the Red Bull Crashed Ice World Tournament, to be held in Québec City, over St. Patty’s Day weekend, three out of five nuts (+ Shannon) couldn’t think of a better Tuesday evening activity.

didn't know what we were in for...

I must also say, that there were other factors that drew us to the not-so-close Bell Sensplex in Kanata. Our homegirl, Allison (who we’ve gushed about before here), runs the SHOW at Red Bull.

Hiiiiiii. I'm the BAWSE.

Any opportunity to see our Field Marketing Specialist, who we don’t get to see often enough, is a reason to trek to any distance. We also had some boy competitors we were there to see … who ended up giving us a lot to cheer about.

So, after making our way to the rink, spotting Al from afar and settling in with Starbucks in our mitted hands, I don’t think we were really ready for what we were about to see.

Hundreds of competitors were divided into heats where they were asked to perform an obstacle course at high speed. The top ten with the best time would advance to the finals in March.

Basically it went a little like this: skate around a marker, dive under a pole, skate around another marker, speed to the end of the ice, around two other markers, dive under a pole, jump over a pole, dive under a pole, sharp turn around another marker, one more and skate to finish line. Oh, and if you touch anything it doesn’t count. Easy right!?

Pretty sure Kate made this guy fall by banging on the glass...

As the whistle blew, Kate’s blood pressure skyrocketed and even though we didn’t know any of the competitors in the first few runs, we were cheering them on like they were our first born children.

Skaters knocked down polls, collided into barriers, slipped at the corners and had all of us in serious hysterics. For four ladies who would have probably not made it without Bambi’ing onto all fours, two seconds in to the race ….. this was some serious entertainment.

In the end, not only did we get to watch our gurl Allie in action, have a full evening of belly aching laughs and a new atmosphere to appreciate, but two of the boys we were cheering on held it DOWN with first and third place finishes, sending them to the finals in Q-City. As if we needed another excuse to jump up and down, squeal like little girls and cause a scene we had basically started since we set our knee-high-boot-clad feet into the arena. Full. Blown. Shrieks.

Our new friend and two-time RBCI finalist, Adam Skube, just owning the competition. Too bad we were too busy hopping up and down to snap one of Paul Tremblay. (Photo: Courtesy of Ottawa Citizen)

So in conclusion, if #RBCI is coming to your city, you’d be wise to cancel your plans for the evening, convince your most athletic friends to try out and get a seat by the glass.

You won’t regret it, and much like us, you’ll hardly be able to resist the prospect of a roadie in March to Québec City… in a nutshell.

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 6: Just a whole lotta hand covering face

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Scoff at my obsession with television’s most ridiculous dating show all you want but my Monday blues were instantly melted when last night’s hilarious episode of The Bachelor aired and my even more hilarious best friends had me throwing my head back every 2.5 seconds.

If you think these recaps or the live tweets (@inanutshellca) are funny, they are only a tiny GLIMPSE at the pure hilarity that ensues at one of our #BacheyParties. Who knew Monday’s would turn into my favourite day of the week.

Now on to Ben blunders, Whoretney and one-too-many awkward moments, shall we?

The episode started off on a really high note for us. Mainly because Kacie B’s one on one date was island themed which meant that A) Ben’s hair was an all time atrocious high … B) analogies about surving anything were abundant … and C) WE were able to make references to Lord of the Flies, a group favourite. We only wished that Ben would learn from Piggy and only speak when he had the conch. That and we thought Castaway’s Wilson would have made for just as interesting of company as Kacie B.

I'm not even touching this one............

In all fairness, our craydar was running low on last night’s episode from the girl who initially made a heart with her hand (bad books from day one). They seem genuinely pretty smitten with each other and she’s not laying it all out there (literally) like Courtney. #ClassInsteadofAss … two thumbs up B.

Meanwhile back at the house (note that every week when I write this I’m saying it in a British accent, sifting my brandy and wearing a housecoat) … the dreaded two on one date was revealed, with Rachel and Blakely going head to head.

hiiiiiiiiiiiii Rachel.

Blakely had a bizarre euphoric reaction to this news, which leads me to believe she was probably more stoked that she FINALLY got some intimate time ….. with another girl.

@inanutshellca We wish the two on one was Courtney and Emily …… Or Blakely with a surprise comeback from Jenna #wizardlove #TheBachelor

The group date proved to be a riot, although slightly less eventful than last weeks baseball duel of death.

Cut from the same (loin) cloth.

Not only did the Panama setting provide for endless shots of little boys running around in loin cloths (score!), but Ben, who is incidentally encroaching on Elaine Benes as the worst dancer of all time, also sported one. We would have covered our eyes if we weren’t already accustomed to nudity, as Courtney flaunted her boobies around by refusing to wear a bathing suit under her traditional attire. She wasn’t the only one though:

“Jamie has some tata’s on her! We haven’t seen them. She hasn’t been on the show” – Meghan, on Jamie the friendly ghost.

Aside from the aggressive side boob that ABC was all over, black boxing her box out of sight, Courtney, or as we now like to refer to her as, Whoretney, was just plain awful as always. When Ben asked to speak to her privately. Like he does with ALL THE WOMEN. She said, “I’m being stolen. Call the police!” The only reason Courtney would need the police is to remove the daggers that everyone was shooting her from across the room.

Maybe they really are meant to be......

She then proceeded to ruin Jamie’s 15 seconds of fame (probably for the best, more to come on THAT) by splashing around in her bikini, completely distracting Little Boy Ben.

However, in the end Cray-Court was not victorious. Emily had the best line of the night, Lindzi scored the group date rose and Ursula was left to cackle alone in her chambers when Ben didn’t take her up on a late night visit. #deserved #yourecray #cryCourtneycry

When it was revealed that the two on one date entailed salsa dancing we knew it would be right up “VIP Cocktail Waitress” Blakely’s ally.

And now, Blakely will hang off Ben upside down... with no hands.

And by ally, I mean pole. Poor Rachel didn’t really stand a chance, especially when the INSTRUCTOR told her she was doing it wrong. Ouch. But, Blakely’s non-lying hips weren’t enough to distract Ben from her less than charming personality … or maybe her teeth. Her last ditch attempt to win his heart by making him a SCRAPBOOK circa grade seven ass-out hug, was however one of the most hilarious parts of the night, I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves:

@inanutshellca As of now, if anyone makes a scrapbook your points are reset. #BachPool

@missginnyhelen No she didn’t…. #putitawayblakley

@Bakkesy What @BenFlajnik? Even after that awesome scrapbook?!?! #Peaceoutblakeley

@megb723 She is so busy! Making scrapbooks, doing foils. #Blakely

How to lose a guy in 10 ...seconds.

 

Needless to say, she was sent home before the glue had tried on her craft.

I’m sorry if some people thought Kacie B’s curls were cute last week, but just before Chris Harrison pulled other Casey away, Kacie’s ‘do now looked more Neil Diamond, less Lionel Richie. Figure it out sista.

... like nails on a chalkboard. shudder.

At this point we had seen Casey S.’s pitiful sob played on a loop before every commercial break and it was warring on our souls. So we knew when Chris B. H. showed up, it was going DOWN.

I may have sympathized with her the tiniest bit, for having a jerk semi-ex bf back home who was foiling her life dreams. But, she really made it hard to feel bad for her with the most confusing goodbye speech of all time and self admitting that she should be in therapy. Step 1. Godspeed.

Our male correspondent @Bakkesy summed up her goodbye with Ben perfectly:

@Bakkesy I thnk she likes mike but likes ben but not Ben more then mike cuz she likes mike but mike wont change but Ben will but she still likes mike

What the entire episode confirmed though, is that Chris Harrison should give up being the Dick Clark of the reality world and become a full-time interrogator. He broke Casey down like it was his JOB (it’s not, he is a host).

Another one bites the dust.

At this point you may be thinking: How could this show get any better? … No wonder it’s unscripted you can’t WRITE this stuff. Or: You are sealing your envelope on your application for Bachelor Canada. But buckle up folks, it gets better.

In the most AWKWARD scene in television history …………..

Jamie wins eye covering, jaw dropping, forehead slapping performance of a lifetime.

Sadly, this looks way sexier than what was probably the least seductive lap dance of all time.

We are about 99.9 per cent confident that North America witnessed Jamie’s first kiss. Ever. There is no other explanation for how overly embarassing it was. The poor girl must have downed AT LEAST a gallon of tequila before mounting Ben and practically giving him a tutorial on mouth to mouth.

I equate this scene with the elevator scene in Drive, viewed here.

Both changed me. I could never watch either clips again.

“I had to leave the room and earmuff that entire scene.” – @missginnyhelen

I think the Bach producers will be installing a panic button on the inside lapel of every future Bachelor’s suit jacket after that attack. Safety first.

And with that, the remaining girls (oh, did I forget to mention Jamie didn’t get the rose!? #shock #upset) are off to Belize. Let the seven day countdown begin!

#BachPool STANDINGS after week six:

I am not in last place…. That is all.

Ok, fine.

Kate – 373
Shannon – 336
Rhiannon – 324
Jess – 293
ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – 237 (small victories)
Meg (sucker!) – 206

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 5: baseball, birthday suits and blindsides

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It’s pretty clear that the Bachelor-loving nut + friends contingency are pretty competitive right? I mean, we only took an innocent girls night of watching our favourite reality TV show and turned it into a competitive pool, which is seeing friendships strained and almost as many trembling lips in the living room as there are on girls on the show. But, it’s all in good fun right? (not. at. all)

So for a bunch of fiesty ladies yesterday’s Puerto Rico episode was scene after scene of fierceness that would  get the Tyra / Beyoncé’s gears going….

Nikki, FINALLY got a one on one (fist pump) after going weeks with being a group favourite despite making no real interesting moves.  When the date card came are inaugural MVB, Emily, translated the spanish istantly and re-installed our faith in her after she almost sent herself packing last week. Smart girls = legit girls. We salute you.

As Nikki set sail on her date (like actually, she could have used a boat) the skies decided to douse the pair with a heavy rainfall and of course, analogies ensued. Nikki kept a positive attitude though which reminded us why she’s one of our faves. She also managed to not laugh in Ben’s face when they decided to dress authentically and his fadora and white linens had me humming Mambo Number Five for the remainder of the evening …(which is actually a really appropriate Bachelor song if you think about it, new themesong? Step aside David Gray.)

Is that a trumpet in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Back at the homestead, the group date was announced leaving one girl to get the last one on one. My sleeper pick – Elyse – who has proved in recent episodes to be more scary and less anything that a man would ever want, gave me a glimmer of hope when she was able to snatch it.

I saw this face in my nightmares last night

Blakely had a mini meltdown, since she hasn’t had a one on one … but didn’t know she was about to be on the best group date of Bachelor history.

“Is she older than the grandma that came on?” Kelly, on Blakely.

The next day was the group date “diamonds are a girls best friend” … which had the players (how appropriate) divide into two teams. That ageless stud of man, Chris Harrison, showed up on a megaphone to announce that the losing team wouldn’t get to go on the second portion of the date.

OH BABY. If we weren’t already on the edge of our seats we are now. Slide tackles, tears, baseball bats, striking out, tears, Ben in a baseball get-up, tears … the Bachelor Gods should win a Golden Globe.

Everyone is having a great time.

Lindzi was selected, by Ben,  to bat for both teams (would Blakely not have been a more appropriate choice – cue lesbian scene from episode one) … which meant she’d get to go on the date either way … definitely hint that she’s a favourite. (got her, yesss.)

We were just thrilled to see that Blakely did not show up in a onesie for baseball, she’s learning. More than just learning she ended up DOMINATING the field and definitely won our MVB(P) award. Most valuable baseball player.

Sweet little Kacie B. didn’t hold back with f-bombs and lots of name calling when the red team seemed to be in despair. We even almost liked Courtney for a second when she said “I didn’t know strippers (Blakely) could play baseball.” … Legit funny, but we still hate you.

Despair in it's most pure form.

If the high stress situation wasn’t enough, I think the soundtrack to JAWS was playing in the background during the game. Despite, Blakely’s stellar performance Jennifer struck out (*foreshadowing, kids*) for the blue team sending them back to the bus (aka cra(z)y train). Blakely fell apart on the ride home, reminiscent of when she cowered behind the luggage in episode two.

oh. hi.

If anyone scored points in MY books during the group date it was Ben who was at the height of his hilarity, calling the game ever-so-appropriately a ‘Batale Royale’ (my fave saying) and made hilarious comments to the camera after Courtney suggested skinny dipping. “Where do I start … The idea to go skinny dipping was brought up … F*!k.”

He also had a tender moment with Kacie B. who was sporting a MEAN Lionel Ritchie Jerry Curl, when he explained that most of the girls he’s dated haven’t loved him back … “It’d be cruel if they flashed that proposal (with Ashley) right now.” – Jess, on pity.

leave the show. find a salon.

Here, in my notes on the show I have: ELYSE SUCKS! written. And I cannot really sum it up much more than that.

She was just atrocious from the beginning, wearing way too much make up and talking about getting married – like, right then and there. on. the. first. date.

Sleeper pick?

You frighten me. Straight up.

More like I-wish-I-could-claim-I-was-asleep-when-I-made-that pick. Despite their ideal date setting (yacht. Helloooo.) It was no surprise when Ben opted not to give her the rose and cast her out into the waves via dingie … our favourite mode of transportation after rejection.

Not to mention it was to the tune of THIS YEAR’S LOVE. Ben Flajnik has ruined this song for everyone. Not only is it the only musical score he knows how to play, it is his soundtrack to every possible life situation. One more time and I’m deleting it from my iTunes.

A wasted Courtney saw her luggage being taken out and pounced on the opportunity to be a slu- by surprising Ben at his dwellings with some wine and little else.

Despite Ben’s reservations … in other words, “Mmmmm”ing like Grover at the prospect, the model triumphed in convincing him to shed his clothes and show off his “butt” (only word in the Cray-Court vocabulary). We’re all pretty sure they did more than just doggy paddle in the waves……………..
Leaving it at that.

"What's her butt" ... literally.

Ginny summed up all of our thoughts when she said, “Die in a fire you sk—k.” Violent, but appropriate. (skunk, obvs. This is a PG website.)

At the rose ceremony we were shocked to see Jamie (where have you BEEN!) get a rose, even though she should have won by default at episode one for being an adorable nurse that raised her whole family. Step up your game, orphan Annie, we need some points from you.

Lindzi got the first rose, and Courtney followed closely behind. “Of course she got a rose, she’s carrying his child,” – Jess, on Courtney.

“Neptune.” – Ginny, on the baby created in the ocean.

Then, despite Emily sinking (water analogy) herself AGAIN and still valiantly trying to tell Ben that Courtney is Cray … he gave her the last rose, shocking everyone (literal gasp) and BLINDSIDING poor Jennifer. She remarkably held it together at first – remember, this is the chick that was dropping the l-bomb after group date number one – before falling apart at the seams and making us wonder if she has asthma. 

I could not find a single picture of Jennifer crying ... probably because it was too horrific for the internet. This paints the scene well, however.

Scenes from the next couple of episodes had our eyes glued and everyone making different predictions as to who Ben will pick. A friend of a friend, who is an avid spoiler reader, said we will be SHOCKED by the outcome … and a flash of a Black Swan dress at the finale has us thinking Courtney might become the future ex-finace of our dapper Mr. Flajnik.

Time will tell!

MVB was a bit of a toss up, but I am awarding it to Nikki for a stellar one on one, keeping her clothes on and her sanity in check. Well done, that’s no easy feat in the Bach World.

Pool standings after week five

Kate – 298 points

Shannon – 269 points

Rhainnon 263 points

Jess – 216 points

Meg AND Cat K – 178 points

… I’m not even going to rant. I am now (tied) for last. It’s hopeless, I’m upset and I am totally requestioning my judge of character … and my life.

Landing among the All-Stars

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Ottawa. It often gets a bad rap, doesn’t it? “It’s boring.” “It’s a government town.” “There’s no nightlife.” “There’s nothing to do.”

Well, while I do not hold any of those beliefs, I can also sometimes see where the critics are coming from. But, this weekend Ottawa is anything but boring. You can feel the city virtually pulsing beneath your feet. And perhaps, because we do often get overlooked when it comes to glitz and glam – No Toronto International Film Festival, no Vancouver Olympics, hardly any celeb spottings – this weekend, it seems all the more special.

The 2012 NHL All-Star Weekend has landed itself in the Nation’s Capital, bringing a game we love, and those that play it expertly, to home ice.

Banners line our downtown bouelvards, any young guy dressed in a smart suit seems to turn heads a little faster and places where the players are rumoured to be are just a little bit busier.

The draft, a playground-style selection of who plays for who’s team, was held last night in front of a rowdy hometown crowd. Loyal Sens fans booed any Maple Leaf that crossed the stage (brraap!) and even ex-Sens like Zdeno Chara and Marian Hossa had trouble pleasing their old groupies.

But Alfie, as one of the team captains got lots of love, and all four Sens All-Stars landed on the same team which promises to make the ambiance in the ScotiaBank Place Sunday afternoon, absolutely electric.

Go Sens Go!

However, it’s not called All-Star “weekend” for nothing. A whole host of events are planned from now until then.  The dismal weather making many of the outdoor events re-routed from the Rideau Canal to the City Of Ottawa’s new “Rink of Dreams” (thank GOD they built that $250,000 thing, eh!?!?), and a full day of skills competitions tomorrow.

But for any young hockey fan, the real question is where will the All-Star studs flock to after hours. Chances to mingle with hockey idols in the flesh seems like a tangible possibility and with every bar claiming they’ve got the “OFFICIAL” after party … it seems impossible to know where the boys will be headed.

As in a nutshell’s chief nightclub correspondent, what have I been told? Well I can tell you there is a GOOD chance that the NHL’s leading men will be sipping on bottles in my bar. But, this is not about self promotion.

What I’m really here to say, is if your weekend plans do not include hitting the market, you need to make some adjustments.

While it’s certain that some players will have obligations to some bars, I think it’s foolish to think that all 40 will land in the same spot for the entireity of an evening. I predict some club hopping and while every bar (because contrary to popular belief, Ottawa has A LOT) will get a sprinkle of the hair flowing, toe-dragging, teeth missing magic, more than one definitely will. So your best bet is to pick your favourite spot, don your best outfit, keep your cool and prepare for the chance to share a drink with a (multi-millionaire) celeb.

Even if  you’re not a huge hockey fan, bar lover or celeb chaser, this weekend is something out of the ordinary. And the excitement of it? Contagious.

And if you’re still not convinced? Well then I never want to hear the words “Ottawa” and “boring” come out of your mouth again. Kapeesh? If that’s your choice, well then you, my friend, are a little boring. Not my city … in a nutshell.

Where the party at?

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 4: L-bombs, cat fights and more annoying analogies

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Folks, I’m not going to lie, I feel awful. I’ve been just slammed with a terrible flu and it’s caused me to take the day off work, put my hair in a sumo bun and groan at the thought of leaving my bed. But, there’s no way I could let the day pass without my weekly Bachelor recap. Especially after an episode like last night.

Personally, last week’s had just a little more insane drama (we crave it) but when the opening scenes played rather triumphant music of Ben prancing around on a horse … we knew we were in for a treat.

The first one on one date went to Rachel (who ALL of us have in our pool). As Rachel was about to be whisked away in a helicopter (of course) Kacie B. had a mini-meltdown, getting REAL emo with the camera and saying she can’t stand seeing Ben leave in a helicopter with other girls. Don’t you hate when that happens? So many of MY potential suitors have lost me over that …. right.

While at first we were all rooting for the very pretty and raspy voiced Rach, she provided us with the most AWKWARD date in Bach history.

“PLEASE say something,” – Meghan on the awk encounter

Just can't take their eyes off each other ...

Crickets could be heard as they sat and stared off into space.

...... wow .......

And we were in stitches when Ben finally tried to break the ice by saying “That’s a beaver dam”. Realllllllly pulling at straws there.

She managed to redeem herself in the later part of the evening and Ben didn’t send her packing despite our initial thoughts.

The group date started off with a SPLASH (see what I did there) when Ben took the girls fly fishing. Courtney who made it very clear that this was her first GROUP date was able to annoy the *!#@ out of the other girls, by playing COY in the water (somebody stop me). She even managed to catch a fish.

Kiss itttt ... maybe it'll turn into a prince and you can leave poor Ben alone

“5 points if you cash a fish!?” – Meghan trying to secure any points possible for her three remaining girls.

And OF COURSE in true Bachelor fashion, the fish in analogies were endless “If you can catch a fish, you can catch a man.” “She’s a natural, which means she might be a naturally good partner in life.” No Ben, if you continue to make these analogies, you will die alone, belly up. Flush your love life down the toilet now.

Whattttddddyoooouuuu mean I'm not here for the right reeeashons? #sluryourselfhomeSammy

The second portion of the evening, saw people not knowing how to dress! Courtney was basically wearing a prom dress while Ben wore a hoodie and the other girls fell somewhere in between. The highlight of the night was a toss up between Nikki FINALLY GETTING A POINT, or when Ben sent Samantha packing for being drunk and annoying.

“Oh gaaaaaad, it’s like a teacher talking to a student,” – Jess on the badass scolding Ben gave Samantha before saying buh bye.

Despite Kacie B. finally getting the alone time she’d been pining for (she probably has his name tattooed on her wrist by now … runs in the name) Cray-Courtney managed to steal the group date rose by wining to Ben how hard of a time she’s having. Smart girl, but still cray.

Meanwhile, back at the house we were brought into Blakely’s beauty salon. The VIP cocktail waitress / at home stylist (apparently) was just casually colouring Emily’s hair.

VIP cocktailing really doesn't pay the bills....

I must take a moment to say, perhaps the funniest part of the night was all the texts we were receiving from other friends watching the episode.

Honourable mention to Ginny’s text: “1) of course she would know how to use foils 2) you know you’re old when you’re rocking a scrunchie”

Jennifer really kept her cray under control on the second one on one date she managed to score. After plunging into a cave together …

RT @Bakkesy Rock climbing date, cue the “if we can make it through this we can make it through anything” lines @catkitts

Take the plunge ... in life and love.

And of course that happened.

Not awkward at all...... :|

Another mutual sigh could be heard throughout the apartment when there was yet another #awkwardfortheband moment. Jennifer and Ben danced on a platform before having the crowd part for them, so that they could dance front and centre. Attention all members of the male population … never arrange for this to happen. We’re pretty sure we saw a cameo from Anna Faris, who seemed to be the Bachelor’s biggest fan to the right of the dancing pair.

We did have a chuckle thinking about our dearly departed Jenna, however. “Can you imagine Jenna on this date, crying and crowd surfing…. in a  wizard costume.” – Jess on the greatest contestant of all time.

Text from Rhiannon: “Hate this awkward dancing, come on theme of the show.”

Anna Faris: #nutsforthebachelor

The rose ceremony was by far the most dramatic part of the evening when Emily and Courtney had a virtual showdown. Emily made a HUGE mistake (come on MVB, we had faith in you!) when she wined to Ben about Courtney being cray. Legit Em, but now you look cray too.

When Kasey or Kacie or Casey S (having trouble knowing how to spell her name since she’s hardly been on the show) had her gurrrrrl’s back and told Courtney that Emily was talking sh–, Courtney responded with the calm and natural response of “I’m going to shave her eyebrows while she sleeps.” … Wow. #CourtneyisCray

He “ha ha’s” are some of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen on television and Emily dropped another 10 notches in her books when Court confronted her and she DENIED it. Man up E-Dawg. You should have said loud and clear: You. Are. A. Psycho … we woulda fist pumped for ya. Especially since Courtney said “WINNING” not once, but twice in the episode. Being compared to Charlie Sheen would be my first goal when trying to wheel a new man.

I don't know who made this, but it's perfect

My dismal pick, Elyse, continued to also be so scary, but SOMEHOW secured a rose. #dontquestionit

While, we were nervous for our former MVB that her child-like behaviour would make Ben, who was putting girls in their place like it was his JOB last night, send her home … she got the last rose and Monica (you’ve contributed nothing) got the boot.

The night ended with one more key Courtney line, when they announced the next tropical destination and she announced “I was there two weeks ago.” Bakkesy said it best -”Shut UP Courtney.”

With so many of our hopefuls (Rachel, Emily, Lindzi…) contributing nothing, it was hard to pick this week’s MVB. That’s why we’ve decided to give it to our GURLwizard: JENNA … We still miss you homegirl. Think about you all the time and how brutal you would be in every scenario.

MVW! MVW! MVW! Most valuable wizard!

And there you have it kids. Will you be surprised to hear that I am STILL in last place in our pool. STILL trailing behind Meghan who has two less people than I do. STILL behind Jess who doesn’t have a clue how the Bachelor works. In the rear after Kate and Rhiannon who weren’t even there to count their own points. And Shannon, who didn’t even catch up on last week’s episode!?

I have no words.

Standings* after week four:

Kate: 217 points

Rhiannon: 199 points

Shannon: 198 points

Jess: 153 points

Meghan: 143 points

ME: 133 points

New calculations for missed points were made today when Meghan made an excel spreadsheet of our points. YA. That happened.

A Blackberry lover’s week with an IPhone

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I won’t lie, there are definite perks that come with being a journalist.

My fellow journalist and homegirl, April O'Neil

Sure it’s a high pressure job, where your deadline is always coming two minutes too fast. You put in way more than your expected 40 hours a week and at the end of the day, everything you’ve worked on is up for criticism by the public. People don’t want to talk to you, or people talk your ear off. You attend car crashes, funerals, crime scenes, court dates and if you don’t have carpel tunnel by the time you’re 25 … well then  you’re not doing your job right.

But, there ARE perks.

Hob nobbing with celebs, concert tickets, backstage passes, gift bags, lots and lots of free food … and my latest acquistion: a company paid IPhone 4s.

There are really only three tools a journalist needs to get their job done: a computer, phone and camera. So, my head office decided to give us a device that combines all three. Not complaining.

At the original meeting, my superiors wanted me to consolidate my two phones, tossing my current Blackberry, to make sure I could be reached on just one device at all times. But, the thought of losing bbm, my Blackberry groups, and the keypad was something that made me squirm.

History's greatest feud

Despite the raised eyebrows of my boss “You want to still pay for your own phone. The one we are giving you is FREE,” I managed to convince them I needed both.

IPhone owners, love the IPhone. Blackberry owners, love their Blackberry. And now I am both. So, after a week with both in my pocket and being asked countless times “How do you like the IPhone!?”… here is my conclusion.

The IPhone is amazing. Straight up, it’s probably one of the coolest pieces of technology I’ve ever owned. In fact, I don’t even consider it a phone; it is a minature computer. It’s Camera is incredible, the internet is so fast, the apps will keep me entertained for hours….

BUT…

For what I actually use a PHONE for … the Blackberry still triumphs. I would say 90 % of what I use my phone for is messaging. Texts, bbms, etc. I hardly make calls, I hardly play games. My phone is the way I stay connected with my friends who live far away, keep up-to-date with the co-founders of this blog, make my work day go a little faster by sending just a fewww texts … that is the purpose of my phone. And while I’m already getting used to the touch screen, I can type 10 times faster and more accurately on my Blackberry.

The IPhone auto-correct is half blessing half curse. Often, it goes along and corrects the many mistakes you make while tapping away at the touch screen, but almost as often it corrects words that shouldn’t be corrected. In a ns, it really get in the way of my abrevs.

Could get yourself into hot water with something like this...

And for anyone that says that IMessage is the same as BBM … you’re gravely mistaken. Apple would be wise to create a forum like BBM where you have a display picture, status, GROUPS! These are the key things that make people who use BBM sweat at the thought of giving it up. Out of the 15 people I would say I speak to on a daily basis, 14 are bbm users.

All day. Every day.

But if you’re not an avid texter, or don’t have loved ones on BBM … well then the IPhone trumps the BlackBerry in almost every other sense.

It is faster, better, cooler. The internet browsing is easily 10 times faster, the camera is 10 times better and all in all it’s just so user friendly.

Despite the fact that I’m sticking behind my Bberry … here are some things I LOVE about the IPhone (so far):

TWITTER: The IPhone Twitter is Ah-Mazing. For the simple fact that it’s ultra fast and allows you to connect to more than one account. I have four. Insane, but true and with a tap of the screen I can effortlessly surf through all four and get notifications for each. My life just became a million times easier.

INSTAGRAM: Instagram is a free App that is like Twitter in pictures. You follow and get followed and your newsfeed consists of just pictures and captions. There are also functions to make the pictures look really retro and neat. “Hipster pictures,” as one hater said.

ANGRY BIRDS: I am addicted. Nuff said.

NEWS: CBC, Ottawa Citizen, Globe and Mail, Metro … all at my fingertips. For a journalist, this is a blessing.

 SCREEN SHOTS: The ability to take a picture of your hilarious “texts from last night” is gold. Just, gold.

SIRI and me are not friends … she doesn’t understand half the things I say. So while this is a cool concept, I haven’t developed a love for it yet.

And as mentioned already, the camera quality (and fact that you can flip the screen to take selfies) and web browsing are unmatched.

So in conclusion, if you want the coolest toy on the planet: buy an IPhone.

If you want to be able to text quickly and accurately, stay more easily connected with  a large group of friends, and send emails to your boss without having made embarassing auto-correct mistakes: buy a Blackberry.

But above all, find a job that will buy you both. Because I truly  have the best of both worlds right now … in a nutshell.

The Bachelor Recap – Episode 3: #everyoneiscray

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Well, folks. It can’t get any better than this. Seriously, how are the Bachelor Gods going to top themselves next week? It’s impossible! Last night’s episode saw, someone leave the show of their own volition, a former Bachelor contestant exploding onto the scene, fainting, caged-animal-like anger and all of us losing points by the minute, for tears that were flowing in every direction.

Just a great example of educational television. The lesson: don’t be cray, and if you are, don’t go on National TV.

Let’s start at the beginning.

Emily, who we saw rap (off of cue cards, not freestyle – weak) in the first episode secured one on one date numero uno. While you will see that she quickly rose about a hundred notches in our Bachelor books by the end of the episode, we couldn’t help but start out by detesting hers and Ben’s climb of the San Francisco Bay Bridge.

I would jump off if you told me we were scaling a slope of love.

For once, it was not the girl’s fault, but BEN needed to QUIT IT with the analogies between the bridge and their love life. No, if she makes it to the top of the bridge that does not mean that you will overcome every obstacle in life for ever after. It just means that she is not a WIMP. Cute kiss, but if you mention one more thing about obstacles in life and love, I’m pressing mute.

However, the dinner portion of the evening was adorable and Ben got back into our good books when he said: “My father loved my mother because he thought that she was smarter than him and I, in fact, think you may be smarter than me.” Get. Cuter. Ben.

Jenna. Where are you.

The group date that followed was just downright hilarious. We were really missing Jenna though, who we knew would be just a GEM as the bikini clad girls went down the hill bottom-backwards. Only Jenna, in her wizard costume, obviously, would have been able to pull of the most impressive wipe-out followed by full lip pout.

hiiiiiii.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Brittany secures one on one date number two. Instead of being psychotically ecstatic, like the other girls would be, she actually looks distressed. Emily, the heroine, came through again to boost her confidence and say she thinks they’ll have great chemistry. So. NICE. Wow. She’s allowed to come to our Bachy Party next week.

But Brittany can’t take the heat, or more likely “She misses GRANDMA!” as Jess pointed out, and decides to go home before the date even takes place.

Not pleased.

Good move, Brit, we support your choice to not take time away from the other ladies. Grandma would be proud, even though she probably hates you for giving up her dream man. Cut out of the will, for sure.

But before she exits, she manages to cry, making Meghan lose an additonal five points, not to mention another player. “So minus five, you sl—” (#BachPool or die)

Rachel secured the group date rose while we pondered Kacie B’s sanity. She is sweet for sure, but we definitely think she has the potential to be a “points resetter” and blurt out she loves Ben before the hometown date. Secretly I’m praying for this, she’s not one of my girls. Booya.

Lindzi got the consolation one on one date after Brittany’s departure. We were originally rooting for the cowgirl, but her caked on makeup face made us cringe a little. Not as much as when their date turned into the mother of all AWKWARD activities when they solo danced in front of a band.

The band is crying.

“This is my worst. nightmare. They didn’t even DRINK! I hope that ice cream was spiked,” – Jess, on watching it be #awkwardfortheband.

Date was redeemed, when they sat at a piano and Ben played “This Year’s Love”.

“This is the only song he knows how to play. Second time in three episodes. One hit wonder.” – Meghan, on the soundtrack.

Unstable smile...

Our favourite hashtag from last episode was #Jennaiscray which, thankfully, will (almost) live on with #Jenn(ifer)iscray  … I’m surprised Ben even kept her around after she admitted she was dreaming about him – yikes. She also admitted to the camera she’s falling in love with Ben. They. Have. Had. One. Group. Date.

Inexcusable behaviour. Bachelor blacklist.

Some cocktail party highlights include when Nicki, who we are still rooting for, despite doing NOTHING for our pool, played a cue card 20 questions game with Ben, when one of the girls pointed out Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with (SO TRUE) and when Emily said “Courntey has a social disorder. I think she should get diagnosed.” HA! New favourite female.

The most shocking part of the evening was definitely when Shawntel Newton from Brad’s season showed up, three episodes in, to join the cast of ladies.

"I'll fiiiind you"

Um, what? Sure we all made a virtual “hand covering face” emoticon when she made Brad lie down on her mortician’s table … but she was pretty normal on his season. Actually, one of my faves. A shocking move, which the girl’s did NAT appreciate.

As Shawntel awkwardly explained to Ben that she has strong feelings for him, Courtney and Samantha literally watched from about four feet away. Be discrete people! Has no one showed you that there are three hundred windows in that mansion? Hide behind a plant and hide the fact that you’re INSANE.

Surprised you can't see the shadows of the people watching from a stone's throw away.

Elyse, who I’m ashamed to say made my picks (fml), demonstrated that she is a brute dressed as a normal woman, when she tore a STRIP off of poor Shawntel who seemed to hold her own, despite being berated by the pack of blood thirsty women.

Worst. pick. ever.

Elyse wasn’t the only one, however, and Courtney really showed her class when she referred to her — TO BEN – as “What’s her butt.” If I were Ben, immediate dissmissal. Do not pass Chris Harrison, do not collect $200. She almost looked like she was not going to accept the rose, but she did.

“If you go home, I’m going to kill myself,” – Meghan, on one of her three remaining pool picks.

Erika faints during the rose ceremony.

Literally, faints. Because clearly, after three weeks in the Bachelor House you are Juliet, and Ben is Romeo and this is completely legit. NOT.

“If she faints, minus forty points,” – Meghan, on idiots.

What I'd want to wake up to every morning if I was Ben..... RUN. Run fast.

The ruthless bachelor, decided to pass out (Ha, get it!?) one less rose than he was supposed to and sent her packing, along with heartbroken Shawntel.

We predicted this was going to the outcome, however, we secretly think they had a steamy text sesh, or even hookup in the past to make her make that ballsy move. But, he sent her packing to avoid the wrath of the other women. Smart move, Cassanova.

One thing is for certain. “That has got to be the worst way to spell ‘Chantal’. ‘Shawn’ like the wrong way to spell the guy’s name. And then ‘tel’ like Nortel.” – Jess, on baby names.

Jaclyn, also was sent into hysterics upon dismissal. But who really cares? Not us.

We’ve added a new feature to our weekly roundups: THE MVB. Most valuable bachelorette, obvs.

This week’s winner: EMILY

MVB! MVB! MVB! (chant)

You really proved yourself to be a legit human, by being normal on the date, encouraging your fellow vultures and aiding in the fainting situation. Now don’t board the cray train, we know it makes frequent stops in these parts.

When Jess said, “I thought this show was supposed to be two hours!?” Even though we had indeed sat through two hours of gripping drama, we realized how deep our love for this show runs. Is it Monday, yet?

Pool standings after week three:

Kate (cheater): 147 points

Rhiannon (not getting invited back): 142 points

Shannon(wasn’t even there, should incur a penalty): 123 points

Meghan (down to three women): 95 points

Jess (confused at all times): 88 points

Me ($*#& !!!!): 75 (measly) points

Wish me luck nuts, I need it.