The Bachelorette Recap – Episode 7: Puckering up and dumping duds in Prague

You know those special moments in your life where time seems to go by in a flash? An awesome vacation … a summer of love … your university years … a nephew / nieces first birthday …. orrrrrrrrrr a particularly juicy season of The Bachelorette!?!

I mean, come on, we’re already awaiting hometown dates … WHEN did we lose so many boys!? Sigh, it’s all coming to an end.

But, with the end of one thing comes a new beginning … so don’t worry Bachy fans, Bachelor Pad is right around the corner.

Plus these last three episodes of The Bachelorette look sure not to disappoint, if they were anything like last night’s episode anyway…

So, is it just us or is Sean getting hotter and hotter in every episode? Like we could practically not keep the drool from falling out of our mouths. Okay, that was gross. Apologies. But seriously, in the first five minutes I think we’d all muttered “God, he’s beautiful” or some saucier variation about twenty times.

Drool. Puddle.

But, it was Arie who ran away with the first one on one date. Now, this was destined to be a huge moment. THE moment that our spoiler-correspondent Julia Kent had been waiting for since day one. Emily confronts the fact that the race car stud dated not only one of the show’s producers, but the one Emily deals most closely with. But, as Chris Harrison introduced the whole scenario it was less juicy and more … pathetic.

For both Emily and the solid CREDIBILITY that The Bachlor/ette organization has, as a whole.

ARE you feeling alright?

Apparently these two dated like ten years ago which led the Twitterverse to jump on Emily for making it into a big deal. “Maybe Emily should tell Arie that her teeth are fake now? #fulldisclosure” or “Arie should probably tell Emily about that speeding ticket he got one time. #comingclean.” But as blondie started grilling her man about trust and loyalty it quickly became hilarious because Arie was completely aloof. He did look ill, however, but who wouldn’t be when their sort-of gf goes a little cray cray.

Meghan Brown ‏@megb723

Is Arie really hungover? Does he have jaundice? Why is he so yellow? #confused #worried #bachelorette

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In the end, Chris Harrison informed us that they resolved their issue “off-camera”. HEL-LO is that even allowed. What’s the point of reality TV if you don’t see the juiciest part!? Unfair. To sum it up, Arie and Emily will continue to live happily ever after, since they were practically engaged after episode two.

Engagement photo.

Bachelorette Live ‏@BachelorTV

“Brief romantic relationship” in my world translates into a dirty one night stand. Will we ever learn the truth? #Bachelorette

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Now, I know I mentioned it last week, but our little pool twist that sees any given guy’s points get RESET if they say I love you before the hometown dates has gotten out of hand. Guys are saying it right left and centre. GET A GRIP. Cue Arie dropping the l-bomb and poor Kelly being in the minus’ by the end of the night. It just doesn’t get better than that.

WHAT are you wearing? And what the HECK is a data destruction specialist!?

John Wolf got the second one on one date, but chose to dress like a senior citizen for it. Seriously, could Chris Harrison not summersault from behind a street corner and tackle him to save his love life and our eyes? Wolf-man, you have no chance.

Despite the fact that he’s been a pretty boring contestant that has probably only barely managed to sneak by in the rose ceremonies .. he divulged a little more into his background in this episode. Just small things, like his favourite colour, names of his siblings and that he was dating a potential FUGITIVE. He told the sad story about how he got brutally cheated on by his last ex. When she stopped calling him he said “I checked hospitals, I checked prisons…” I’m sorry, if I went missing I think the LAST place someone would look is a PRISON. WHAT KIND OF GIRL WERE YOU DATING JOHN WOLF. Again, you have no chance.

“What the heck is data destruction specialist? Like what IS that.” – Amanda on John Wolf’s made up job #bachelorette

After John returned from his date, Sean decided to completely lose his mind. In a desperate attempt to spend some quality time with Emily he ran through the streets of Prague wildly yelling her name. This may have put him on the far side of “Completely Cray” on the richter scale, but he made up for it with a STEAMY make out sesh that Em didn’t seem to mind AT ALL. Christian boy has a little devil in him it seems. I like it.

So steamy, the picture is blurry.

Next came the group date, featuring Chris, the most unhappy boy on the planet.


For all the smack this guy talked about being a mature 25-year-old he is definitely acting like the most immature person on this show, Ricki included. Feeling slighted to be stuck with another group date with Sean and Doug, the man-child moped the entire time.

…or Chris…

Lucky for him, Doug-the-Dad provided a nice distraction by continuing to be the most awkward human on the planet. Doug, you have a child. That means you must have gotten with a girl at least once in your life, get it together. Clearly we weren’t the only ones that couldn’t take his cringe-worthy behaviour any longer. Before the date was even done Emily brought Doug to the courtyard for what was

… Or Chris.
(via @AshleySpivey)

a clear send-off speech. But, clueless Doug didn’t’ get the memo and mid-speech leaned in and gave her a peck on the lips. Holy hannah. I think you could hear our collective grown three blocks over. Still does not top Jamie mounting Ben in last season’s Bachelor, but really nothing could. That was worse than a horror movie.

And with that Doug went back to being a Dad. But, not before he wept UNCONTROLLABLY in the limo. Minus one thousand points for just being the worst.

@AshleySpivey I heard Doug is deciding if he will join Twitter or not. A decision is expected by 2018.

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My spine is tingling re-living this.

And to piss as many people off as possible on this date, Emily twisted the knot already in Chris’ panties by giving Sean the rose on the group date. To which Chris pouted for the rest of the program.

Next date I go on, puppet show. Hands down.

But, while Chris may be and act the youngest, I have not yet been on team Jef because he LOOKS the youngest. Can someone cast him in a role as a teenage heartthrob already? But, this episode changed my mind for 3 reasons: 1) He had MAD puppeteer skills. Like unreal. Like, he should change his name to Gepetto-with-one-p … 2) He ran back to get Ricki a puppet, adorbs. 3) He said the BEST line in Bachelor/ette history ………… wait for it ………….

 “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*!k out of you.”

Hilarious. Sexy. Sweet. Pretty much my only three requirements for a suitor. Well done Jef.

Looks a hundred times better in this picture than it did on the show. Dammit.

Em decided to go without a cocktail party at the rose ceremony. She also decided to get dressed with her eyes closed. I was starting to believe that this Barbie could look good in anything…. wrong. A metallic blue sequinned dress that hung on her hips like a garbage bag was certainly not her best outfit. But, the guys didn’t seem to care as they stood awaiting roses. Foam coming from some of their mouths, I’m pretty sure.

So as Jef-with-one-f and Arie managed to steal the first two, you could see Chris’ blood boiling. So, in true cry-baby fashion, he blurted out that he needed to speak with Emily before she gave out the last rose. COMPLETELY screwing over John Wolf. If I was him I would have been PISSED. Chris’ final plea worked because Wolf-man was sent home.

Hate you.

I mean, he did have no chance to be at the end, but I feel as though his normal behaviour merited a rose more than Chris’ tantrums. In any event, Wolfy took the high road and had a classy exit. We salute you.

Previews for next week show Emily sobbing uncontrollably while trying to decide who to send home. At this point, she seems like she’s actually in love with all of them. Except Chris. He sucks.

… But not as much as this guy.

What to do, Em, what to do! Time will tell. My money’s still on Arie, for the record.

Bachelor Pool Results*

*it’s not even fair anymore. Almost everyone have had someone say “I love you” except me. Also, Sean is a make out-wh*re.

Kelly (you have less of a chance than Doug) Michael: MINUS 10 points (bahahaha)
Meghan (still hanging on by a thread) Brown: 25 points
Kate (has missed the last 3 Bachy Parties) Lalumiere: 49 points
Catherine (still on top) Kitts: 127 points

One Comment

  1. kentjulia says:

    haah oh dear, i am just reading this now… i like that i make appearances as the “spoiler correspondent”! but i like knowing who wins even more :)

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