It may be hard to tell, but I kinda, sorta look forward to Bachy nights. It may also be hard to tell that I am being sarcastic in about 80 per cent of what I write on this blog…
It’d be pretty hard NOT to get excited sitting around with a pack of best friends, discussing the weekly goings on of our favourite show, wine close at hand.
But, last night life got in the way of our little Bachy Party and we were down to two. Luckily, in place of the usual witty banter (that seriously helps me write these posts) was an extra hilarious Meghan. Folks, she was on fire. So I can only in small part take credit for this week’s post; she slayed me.
Doug-the-Dad secured the first one on one with Emily, but it was clear from the get-go that he was ultra-nervous. Understandable though, I mean come on. He is practically Danny Tanner. Probably doesn’t get out much.
I feel as cute as some of these guys seem, Em has a real group of wieners on her hands. By the time she came to pick up Doug for her date there was practically a playground brawl about to go down. Luckily, Doug-the-Dad probably would have responsibly ended it and placed the men in different corners for an adequate amount of time out.
Emily called Doug out hard on the date for being to “perfect” (to each his own) … But, she sort of had a point. It was like Doug was going for a job interview and saying his worst flaw was that he was a perfectionist. But then again, maybe he and Emily really ARE meant for each other because she admitted one of her biggest flaws is that she – wait for it – doesn’t. work. out.
COME ON EMILY. You are fooling no one. You’re one of the tiniest girls to ever grace the show (and that’s saying something). Either, yes, you do have a personal trainer who grills you each day while Ricki is at school, you don’t eat – at all, or you’re not of the human race. Oh, one more option – you’re a LIAR.
Doug also proved his weeny-ness by securing next to NO points on the date (in our #bachypool). I think he might have gotten a pity two chalked up, because they held hands.
“I move slow” – Doug … “I could KILL him.” – Meghan, on one of her only remaining picks.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date is revealed – leaving Michael (pony boy), John (middle name, WOLF), Nate (have you been on this show?) and Alejandro (at least you were better than Alessandro).
To me, it’s shocking that ANY of these men are still around to see another day. I was half expecting Chris Harrison to army crawl out of the bushes and send them all away in their own private dinghies. Which reminds me, we haven’t had a dinghy send off yet… sigh. My absolute FAVE.
The boys that DID get to go on the group date were divided into two teams for a sailboat race that would determine who got to spend the evening with Emily. Now, truthfully this is my kind of event. Not the sailing part, (YA RIGHT, I’d be doggy paddling for dear life in two seconds), but the competition part. Emily says “I don’t like seeing men compete” as the race starts… shocking, seeing as though you are THE BACHELORETTE. I, on the other hand, have no problem with seeing brute force and naval talent be the deciding factor on who I’d spend my time with.
Despite some initial struggles, and lots of chirping, the yellow team (Ryan, Arie, Kalon and Jef-with-one-f) pulled out a win at the last second, beating the red team (Sean, Travis, Charlie and Chris-with-one-s).
Despite Ryan being the only real muscle on team yellow, he seemed pretty useless during the race. While Jef-with-one-F stepped up to the plate, hipster shorts and all. Slight advantage that Arie drives cars and Kalon flies planes? It’s all the same, right?
Ryan did manage to douse everyone with champagne after to celebrate the victory though. Way to go, booze cruise it is.
Meanwhile, the red team looked like they had just lost the Stanley Cup on the van ride home. Charlie may have been CRYING. Unclear. We are hoping he was just stifling laughter, or a yawn. #weallknowyoucried
Emily set the stage for some steamy beach make-outs at the evening portion of the date, but only Arie cashed in. OBVIOUSLY. They are dating. It’s official. If he doesn’t win, I will never watch Bachelor again.
Ok, WAY too far. I’m sorry. I blacked out.
Despite hair, that rivaled Ben Flajnik`s (impossible) while swaying in the wind, Jef-with-one-F managed to secure the group date rose. Not before Ryan made every woman internally cringe with more comments about Emily keeping her body in check after marriage. Maybe after the show Ryan should track down Mary Kate Olsen and live happily ever after.
But, if we were cringing at Ryan’s macho mumbo jumbo, we were hiding under the coffee table for the two and one date that featured John Wolf and Nearly-there-Nate wandering the Bermuda Triangle. Talk about painfully awkward. May have been more awkward than the time Casey revealed he’d gotten a wrist tattoo for Allie and then she left him on a glacier. Maybe.
Nate really sealed the deal for himself by a) wearing two different pink shirts of the same shade on the same date, b) pronouncing quinoa “kin-oh-ah” and c) crying. Despite being a self-proclaimed “emotional person”, Emily sure gets rid of the cry-babies quick. I would too. Props home girl.
And with that, no one ever heard from Nate again…………………………………………. See: Bermuda Triangle on Wikipedia for further explanation.
The rose ceremony proved to be the highlight of the show for one reason and one reason only: JEF’S SOCKS.
Like, I know you’re trying to be trendy dude, but you just took hipster to a whole new and completely ridiculous level. You already look like you’re still in high school, the little boy blue look really isn’t screaming “I’m ready to be a DAD.” Get it together.Lyin’-Ryan really showed his true colours when he started talking about how he wants to BE the Bachelor. I mean, come on, that would obviously also be my ulterior motive if I were to go on the show, but you don’t SAY that on TELEVISION. Now you have no chance (and neither do I). I think you’ll do REAL well on the Bachelor Pad though, Ry. See ya there next year.
Chris was negative points by the end of the show in our pool for getting up in Doug-the-Dad’s grill. Gerard (Chris) was obviously drunk and being an idiot but I don’t like Doug-the-Dad. He was also speaking as though he was Socrates for most of the show. Clearly people who are 25 aren’t ready to be fathers, just look at EVERY generation before our own.
In a shocking twist, we heard Michael speak. Unfortunately it was to say “thanks Emily” as he was sent packing. Crazy outcome. No, what was ACTUALLY crazy was she sent Charlie home. MY FAVE! Furthermore she sent Charlie home over ALEJANDRO the mushroom farmer. Em, girl, I question you.
And with that, another episode of Bachy laid to rest. Hopefully, somewhere, somehow Ryan’s hair products, Jef’s socks and Kalon’s glasses also met their maker.
Until next week,
– Charlie’s soon to be gf.
BACHY POOL RESULTS*
Kelly (cry-baby) Michael: 14 points
Meghan (barely-hanging on) Brown: 19 points
Kate (another one bites the dust) Lalumiere: 35 points
Catherine (I wish there was real money involved) Kitts: 48 points
*Numbers were slightly tampered with do to a miscalculation one week. No names being given as at fault (Meghan).