octopus-moustache

The many faces of MOvember

By: In a Nutshell Guest Contri“Beaut”tors

Ken Essex @essex88 / Allan Gordon @agordo12

As the month of November comes to a close, we’ve seen many beautiful manly features progress and grow, but unfortunately, as we see year after year, there are some truly ugly things going on too…

If you haven’t heard of it by now (and you’ve got to be living in a cave if you haven’t), this phenomenon sweeping the nation, and even the globe in its entirety, is called MOvember.

The MOvember Foundation is a charity that was first noted as beginning in Melbourne, Australia, in 2004. During the month of November (pronounced ‘MOvember’) men grow mustaches in order to raise funds for prostate cancer and depression in men. Through this initiative, the MOvember foundation has raised over $170 million, and it continues to grow year after year.

So, whatever you may like to call it… Muzzy, mo, mouth brow, lip sweater, lip rug, cookie duster, face furniture, soup strainer, mouth brow; Let’s take a look at a few MOvember fashions:

 

The Dirty Sanchez

Sid the Kid sporting the Sanchez.

This mustache is typically seen on highschoolers, or those who are eternally cursed with the inability to grow a proper, thick mustache. It’s an awful attempt to grow a mustache, which can be characterized by spotty, thin, and likely light coloured facial hair. This ‘stache should never be seen in public: guys laugh at it, and girls loathe it. Need we say more?

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

 

The Fu Manchu

Many young MO Bros claim to rock The Fu Manchu, but let’s get real. If you are not serving eggs rolls and chicken-fried rice, or teaching karate, you are not be rocking The Fu Manchu. What defines The Fu Manchu is that hair is only grown from the upper lip and grows downward to the chin often tapering to a point. The rest of the face is clean-shaven, so if you are growing hair anywhere but your lip you better wax on, wax off! Before you claim The Fu Manchu. Bow to your MO Sensei!

“Life laughs at you when you’re unhappy” – Charlie Chaplin … Or when you have that on your face.

The Charlie Chaplin

This thing should be illegal. Take one good look at this mustache, and it’s got to remind you of history class. More specifically, a certain dictator who led a massive genocide in the mid-twentieth century. Here’s some advice if you’re thinking of grooming this look: DON’T DO IT. Charlie Chaplin was funny, but this style isn’t.

The Handlebars

The handlebar: a challenge and a reward, all in one.

A classic for those looking to take their ‘stache to the next level. The Biker, or The Horseshoe are other common alter-egos of this badboy. The Handlebars can also solve multiple problems you may encounter. Have a job interview coming up? Walk in rocking handlebars and BOOM! New job. Want to get into the bar that all the cool kids go to? Walk in rocking handlebars and BOOM! You’re the party. You get the point. No one messes with a dude with handlebars, they just don’t! So if you want to make a statement, maybe impress some people, maybe scare some people, The Handlebars can do it all.

We wish you’d make it disappear.

The Magician

If you want to appear to be a devious gentleman who always has something hiding up his sleeve, this look is for you. It’s tough to explain this mysterious look, just as it’s tough to explain why anyone would shave a tiny gap in between a perfectly good mustache, causing something that looks more like two eyebrows on your upper lip.

What the F.U.N.K is that?

The Pencil 

The Pencil – creepy at best. Now I know many MO Bros are limited to the amount of facial hair their lip produces, but if the pencil is all you got, quit while you’re ahead. Unless you are narrating and starring in black and white horror movies, the pencil should be avoided at all costs. Still set on rocking the pencil you say?! Do you seriously want to look like Gunther or the Artist Formerly Known as Prince?!  Avoid at all costs.

The Reverse Goatee

Reverse Goatee … No words here.

Check this out – we’ve all seen a guy like this before: great beard potential, thick mustache, overall incredible ability to produce any kind of facial hair. For some reason though, this guy wants to warp all customary styles, and chooses to only shave the chin hair. This look just screams out “I’m crazy and I’m not afraid to show it.” Please excuse us while we walk the other way…

The Magnum PI

Whatta babe.

The majority of MO bros aspire to grow the biggest, bushiest MO possible, and most fail quite miserably. But hey, we give them credit for trying to reach that big, bushy beauty that is modeled after Tom Selleck in Magnum PI. Now, I never watched the showi, but I do know he was a bad-ass and ran a great ‘stache. Respect! But take caution lads, you have to commit a hundo-P to the ‘stache to earn respect. With a great mustache, comes great responsibility.

Le moustache. Non merci!

Le Moustache 

“Bonjour mes amis, voulez-vous une baguette? Peut-être du fromage et du vin rouge avec ca?” Oui oui, le moustache can be seen on our favourite French characters in pop culture – the same ones who carry a baguette at all times, eat cheese, drink wine, and of course, always wear a beret. If you’re committed enough to style curls on your face that would make any girl jealous, then Bravo Monsieur!

The Yosemite Sam

WHAT IN SAM HILLS is on your face?

Now unless you’re the rootinest, tootinest, shootinest gun in the North, South, East, AND West, and constantly being outsmarted by varmints, the Yosemite Sam is likely unachievable in a mere month. This MO takes years o’gun-slingin’ to perfect. Scholars do maintain that vigilantes from the Wild West grew such mustaches to hide their identity and thus did not require to wear a bandana when robbing banks, saloons, and trains. The closest to reach Yosemite status was hockey great, Lanny McDonald. With his ginger tinge, he wore the Yosemite proud and it is the MO and the MO alone that got him into the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Honourable Mention: The Forehead Mustache

Take one look at this guy and you can tell that the weird looking mustache-thing coming out of his forehead is probably one of the lesser problems in his life. One can only imagine the kind of things that go through this guy’s head when you see the thing coming out of his head. Thanks for the laugh though, pal.

Each one of these moustaches can go amazingly awesome or horribly wrong. A tip to aspiring MOvember go-getters – practice growing your MO more than once a year! Get some buddies together and organize your own Moustache March to get a feel for how that ‘stache is going to behave. Then come MOvember, when you really want to raise some funds, you’ll be dialed.

All in all, whether you’re successful at growing a great ‘stache, flaked half-way through the month, or thought it was ridiculous from the beginning, it’s for a good cause.  MO Bros are making a difference and saving prostates and testicles left, right and center!

So today’s your last day! Make a donation (plus it’s a tax write-off) and go to sleep tonight knowing you potentially made a difference to one man’s genitals.

Cheers!

Who might these guests be?

Professionals by day, animals by night, Allan Gordon & Ken Essex have officially taken over In a Nutshell’s monthly Man’s Digest post. Have a topic you’d love to get a guys perspective on? Let them know and they’ll add it to the laundry list of other things they’ll be pretending to know about. inanutshellca@gmail.com

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