A few months ago I wrote this post: Fourteen “frenemies” every girl has
It was a general reflection on the kinds of female relationships, sometimes forced or unwanted, that young women often find themselves faced with. In other words, it was years of encounters, my own and others, and some witnessed from afar, of engaging with people you wouldn’t exactly call bosom buddies. Ok, still too nice? It was a list of girls who suck.
But today, I’m exploring something a little different. Case studies that have been building up ever since the days where a “date” extended past meeting at the swing-set at 3:30 p.m. to hold hands (if you were an 11-year-old floozy, that is).
Yes, this post is the product of my own heterosexual encounters & others’ stories that have fueled many a hilarious brunch, Skype date, or feverish text convo with my extended group of gal pals.
Fellas, if you’re reading this list and think I’m talking about you then, well, I probably am. But don’t fret, not everyone in the below list is a bad person, or even a bad potential suitor. And I know PLENTY of wonderful men, and wonderful women dating wonderful men, but some of you just need a little guidance…. Here to help, guys, here. to. help.
1. The Puppy
You were in the shower: three missed calls. Night out with the girls: five unanswered texts in succession. You make a bad joke: he’s keeled. You step on his foot: he apologizes. This guy worships you, and you should probably give him a chance, maybe even marry him, but you won’t because girls like guys who ignore them. It’s science.
2. The Perpetual Partyer (also known as Peter Pan)
As someone in their 20s, this is probably the guy you’re meeting most often. Because I’m pretty sure 85% of the 20-30 male demographic falls into this category. This guy has some real things going for him, like serious potential … until he throws up on your shoes… Or has a fetal position slumber party on your porch… Or hits on your best friend because he thinks she’s you… YA, this guy is a doll, until he has 30 beers in him. Problem is: he will have 30 beers in him about 90% of the time. Shame.
3. The Humble Bragger
This guy is basically Barack Obama, ladies, so you should be lucky if he’s making time for you. Don’t get me wrong; I love a guy in a suit. Actually, most girls will tell you they’d love to smooch a handsome man, sporting a tie, on his way to earn some legitimate income. But like, do you realize the kind of stress this guy is under? Can you even fathom what he has to deal with at the office? And don’t you dare insult him by reaching for the bill… “Do you know how much MONEY I MAKE?” …I ain’t sayin’ I’m a gold-digger, so get off your high horse for a minute, and don’t text me that you want to go for “libations” after work. Drink. It’s called a drink.
4. The Older Guy Man
Oh hey there, silver fox. The only reason I’m letting you talk to me is because you are actually very attractive for your age and you likely didn’t give me a choice on whether I wanted this drink or not. It may be a little fun to play this game for a while, I mean, most girls like someone a little mature, right? But, the relationship will soon flounder when he signs off on his texts with “-HisName” and asks you if you’re on “Tweeter”. Yep, if you had been my teacher in high school, I probably would have had a crush on you, but the prospect of being a step-momma to a 12-year-old is cramping my summer party plans, sooooo …
5. Shy Sam
Every girl should probably aspire to be with this gem. He’s polite, not over-the top, not jockeying to be the loudest guy in the room, likely has a lot of respect for you and will probably treat you better than anyone you’ve ever been with. But it’s date number six and he’s only awkwardly pecked you on the cheek. Once. If Sam could turn up the sass he’d probably be a great catch, but instead he’s almost instantly friend-zoned. Sorry, Sammy.
6. Tommy Text-a-Lot
Tommy is Sam’s brother, he just has one main difference: he’s not shy via text. In fact, he’s quite forward when hiding behind his smart phone. He sweet talks, makes wonderful-sounding plans, says all the right things, maybe even sends you a sexy Snapchat or two (me-oww). This guy is “the one”, you think. But, sadly, he will never follow through on said plans, and if you do happen to bump into him, he gives you an awkward wave across the bar. You approach him and he’ll say no more than five words to you. Unless he’s hanging out with his friend Perpetual Partyer, then you might get a few liquid courage slurs out of him.
7. The Gym Rat
This guy is delicious to look at it. BUT! That. Is. It. Actually, it’s unfair to call out only those that slow to glance at every mirror they pass, and put in more hours at the gym than they dedicate to sleeping. This particular breed of man only has one topic of conversation, whatever that topic may be. They’re the ones that manage to take a discussion about taking your dog to the vet into how much they lifted that day … and how impressed everyone was. Obviously.
8. The Badass Babe
I’m not necessarily talking leather jacket and a motorcycle here, but maybe, if you’re into that. I’m more talking the guy who is completely wrong for you in every way… so you’re obviously in love with him. This is the guy your father and brothers would hate, your friends are uneasy about and your subconscious likely knows is wrong for you, especially when he salivates while looking at you like a piece of meat. But you’re probably going to give him a chance anyway, so go ahead, and then regret it over a tub of ice cream and a Gossip Girl marathon in a few months.
9. Mr. Off Limits
You and this guy have everything in common. It’s as if the person from your late night journal entries has materialized in front of your very face. He’s just the right amount of cute, has all the same interests as you, laughs appropriately (ahem, Puppy) at all of your jokes and leaves a lasting impression every time you cross paths. He’s probably your soulmate… but he’s already dated your best friend. Or is best friends with your ex. There are ways to tred around this particular predicament, but likely one or both of you won’t think it’s worth it, and nothing will move past a rebellious flirtation. Or that one time you hooked up wasted. Shhh.
This guy is an odd mix of the above fellas. He can be a real peach. He’s the kind of guy that brings you chicken soup after you tell him you’re sick in bed. He secretly likes cuddling, and even suggested you watch A Walk to Remember at your last date night. You’re elated when he invites you to tag along with all of his friends, until you’re actually with all of his friends and this dreamboat turns on you. Quickly. He’ll likely throw a few playful insults your way, make your cheeks flush at least once and will ignore you for the majority of the night. The real kicker is when he gets mad at you for being mad at him, right there in front of everyone, and then shows up with a teddy bear the next day.
11. Romeo, Sweet Romeo
This guy has some puppy tendencies, but mostly, he just makes you feel awkward with grandiose gestures and professions of love. He’ll want to slow dance in your living room, without music, when you’ve known each other for three days. He’ll write you at least one lengthy love letter that you will instantly read with wide eyes to your bestie, and his monologue texts are worthy of screen captures and mass distribution. He’s, what you could call, “a little much”, but with all the right intentions. He just wants to be your Noah, okay, ALLIE!? When he shows you the wedding he has all planned out on Pinterest, it’s time to cut the cord, Juliette… Or ingest poison.
We all do it. You’re doing it right now. You social media stalked me to read this post. And I’m okay with it. Actually, I’m flattered. But this guy takes it a step further. “How was your haircut? You tweeted about it… “ … “Congrats on the promotion! Saw a status update….” … “Hey, I have the same lampshade as you beside. my. BED…” …. “Want me to come over? I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.”
Okay, so an argument can be made that if you are sharing these kinds of details / pictures, etc. on social media platforms then you deserve to be stalked. Which might be true, but if you’re potential mate isn’t moonlighting as a murderer, he needs to a least PRETEND he doesn’t follow your every move. A privacy setting adjustment could be in order. Or a restraining order.
13. The Weirdo
I’m at a loss. This guy’s eyes likely follow you like you’re prey he’s about to hunt and kill. He’ll likely approach you at some point with the weirdest line you’ve ever heard like, “You have the prettiest tear ducts I’ve ever seen.” He’s the guy you say, “Omg, omg, omg, that _______ guy is here,” in a panicked voice, to your bestie, when you spot him from across the room at a party. You’ll likely turn on your heel and leave, or play the classic, “I think you’re thinking of someone else … we’ve never met. I have a twin actually. Yep, identical.”
14. The Perfect Man …. Who’s Dating Somebody Else.
This is the worst of the bunch. Why? Because you’ve likely endured all 13 of the above people and have started to think you’re waiting for a man who exists only where unicorns frolic and money grows on trees. You start thinking that the above-mentioned Weirdo is the status quo, and that you must be the one with a few screws loose. Just as you give up hope, you meet Mr. Perfect. As you get to know him more, you start making those painful mental check marks on your list of ideal traits. And if you don’t already know he’s not single, he’ll make it evident pretty soon, because this guy is also the perfect boyfriend. He’s everything you want and nothing you’ll ever have. So suck it up, contemplate an online dating profile, keep seeing men 2 through 12 and wait for the day that your man is someone else’s number 14.
** I always feel it necessary to put a disclaimer on these kinds of posts. No, I was not trying to offend anyone. Yes, I am being sarcastic. MAYBE, you will hate me anyway. **
Recent Comments