cheering

A girl’s guide to surviving the playoffs

Ladies, if you haven’t noticed … it’s the playoffs.

Now you know.

While I may be in a minority demographic of women who actually LOVE the NHL playoffs, I feel for those that lose their boyfriends, brothers, roommates to the television / stadium / bar for two months of (epic) competition.

So, in a philanthropic effort to soothe the girlfriend playoff pain, I turned to a couple gems for a little advice. Below are some tips. Girls, pay attention and you might even have a chance with Henrik Lundqvist. (Already lost you … haven’t I).

–         If you have a boyfriend, love his team.

–         If you don’t, pick a team. A good team (do some research).  Don’t pick a team because you like their jerseys or because you like Mike Fisher. We all get it, he’s hot and great.

Ok, COME ON.

–         Once you have a team, know when they play. ie “Hey Rick, we watching the Flyers game tonight?” He will be so impressed that he may fall in love on the spot, or at least cook you a nice meal sometime.

–          Once you pick a team learn a few players’ names so you can try and contribute to the “hockey talk”. Random facts are key. ie ”You boys know why they sing God Bless America rather than the national anthem in Philadelphia? Because its been a tradition, since the 70s, in the playoffs.” Jaws will drop.

–         If someone says: “Don’t you know who so and so is?” Say yes. Even if you have no idea.

–         Once your team is out, pick another team. But anytime you don’t know an answer you can now just use the excuse: “Yeah, sorry, I only follow the…..” Scapegoat.

–         Nothing is better than a girl who has her favourite team’s attire…. Especially old school. Shows you’ve been a long-time fan. Even if you haven’t.

–         On game day, pizza and beer always makes a great meal suggestion. Always.

–         Never ever say you think a player on the opposing team is cute, because a) I dont *!@#ing care if you think he’s cute and b) He plays for the enemy. Actually, no complimenting anyone wearing the opposing team’s colours at all. Even if it fits them well, or brings out their eyes. Keep those comments to yourself.

–         Don’t question any superstitions we may have about the game. ie. Specific seat, or meal / beer, can’t wash our jerseys, need a type of chew. Everything is done for a reason, one we don’t have to explain. It’s playoffs.

–         I don’t care if you don’t like my beard. It’s tradition. Say you like it.

This is repulsive.

–         If we’re watching at home don’t ask to flip during commercials. We’re likely flipping between three games. Or more.

–         If we’re not watching together, an intermission is a great time to text. Even a TV time out is ok. Do NOT text me when we’re on the penalty kill and down 3-2. Or in overtime. Or anytime at all during the game.

–         Never use the term: “Well, they tried hard.” I mean I damn well hope they tried hard. They are PROFESSIONAL hockey players and this is the PLAYOFFS.

–         Don’t ask me if I really need another beer because I really don’t, but I’m stressed out, and it makes me feel better.

–         Don’t tell a guy he’s “too drunk”. There is a method to his madness. If his team is winning: he’s drinking to celebrate. If it’s a tight game: he’s drinking because he’s nervous. If they are getting killed: he’s drinking to forget. Best way to handle it is get as drunk as he is, and try and feel the same way.

#GoSensGo

–         Accept the fact that I will use horrible, horrible language at home, at the game, at the bar, in the car, and in front of children if something goes wrong in the game I am watching.

–         If it goes into overtime, we’re watching it. Yes, sometimes it takes forever and yes, that means you might not be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy. We’re watching it.

–         If they don’t win, don’t talk about it unless you’re complaining about the refs.

–         Don’t you dare celebrate if my team gets bumped out of the playoffs because that means we can start hanging out again. I will break up with you. I mean it.

–         And most importantly, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. Like if I’m yelling: “That’s *$!#ing offside, didn’t you see that?” You may not know what offside is, but you agree. “Totally offside.” Questions are for the internet.

So there you have it, ladies. You should now be well equipped to score some serious girlfriend points over the next few weeks. My best advice? Get. On. Board. Sure you might not take an interest in men batting around a puck, bloody fights and rules you don’t understand most of the year … but the best thing about playoffs is it’s an excuse to party … every night. And what could be better than that?

Doesn’t this look like fun? Also, I’m wearing an old school jersey.

Big shout out to the boys that helped put this together: Jordan Stitt, Blake Brooks, Zach Neilson, Zach Jenner, Kevin Eller, Graeme Owens, Joey Manley and Jared Hutchinson.

FTB, all of them.

41 Comments

  1. Darla Brown says:

    Gotta tell you….I love my team… and I have a team shirt that I still have that dates back to 1973 with an autograph from one of the players signed on it. So to your point, I am truly a long time fan and I have the jersey to prove it!
    ps. love the advice, it’s all true :0) !!
    Darla

  2. “If you’re watching at home don’t ask to flip during commercials. We’re likely flipping between 3 games. Or more.”

    This is on par with any of the ten commandments. Excellent list Cat, you’re doing us guys a huge favour by laying out these ground rules!

    I think you ladies will be interested in the playoffs so long as Nashville (read: Mike Fisher) and the New York Rangers (read: Henrik Lundqvist) are still in it. All Hell might break loose should these two teams meet in the finals for the Cup. It’ll result in the biggest division amongst women since Jacob vs. Edward.

  3. Alison says:

    I have to disagree. Once your team is out, it is acceptable to ignore the playoffs. If the Sens don’t win the Cup, I don’t care who does.

  4. according2jewls says:

    As a female NHL fan it is FORBIDDEN to covet a member of an opposing team, even if he was previously on yours and you feel it’s okay…it’s not. Let’s be honest ladies, hockey players get beat the hell up and we shouldn’t be watching for the “hot” guys. It’s a superior sport, fast paced, passionate, and all around awesome…that’s why you watch. Don’t give chicks a bad name in regards to sports. Thanks. :)

    I get such a high off playoff hockey, watching all the games I can, screaming at the TV, and ignoring the rest of the TV world. I plan going out around games and if the bars have TVs that I can watch the game on…if not, sorry ladies, I’ll be at the sports bar or a house party…have fun. GREAT article!

    LETS GO FLYERS!

  5. Melanie says:

    You’re not that slim a demographic!! I’m from Winnipeg originally and us gals know how to playoff hockey!

  6. Gabby says:

    This is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever read. It’s basically “A Puck Bunnies Guide to the Playoffs.” Here is what i say: If you like hockey, watch it. If you don’t, don’t. Its basic, dont be fake in order to impress guys or i dont even know what. And to make women so one dimensional like you have here is just a huge insult to yourself and everyone else.

    • Michelle says:

      Amen to that! This is incredibly offensive to all women, let alone those of us who know about hockey (and other sports). I’m sorry, Ms. Kitts, but you really missed the mark on this.

    • B says:

      Amen, Gabby.

    • Puckin'ScottyK says:

      That is why your still single.

    • guinastasia says:

      Amen. It figures that Giroux would be the one to repost this.

      (LET’S GO PENS!)

      • broadstreetbully says:

        Figures that Giroux would be the one to take over yesterday’s game and send your team packing. And ladies calm down, this article is meant to be a humorous one I think, don’t take life so seriously.

    • Claire says:

      THIS THIS THIS. Yes. Like, bits of this are funny? But it’s a whole lot of gendered/misogynist crap that buys into the stereotype that Dudes Like Sports and Girls Don’t But Should Fake It To Get Dudes. Boring and insulting to both genders, frankly. If this had been a “guide to living with your hockey fan during the playoffs”, and had left the gendered (and, let’s face it, heterosexist!) commentary out, as well as all of the “lie/fake it” instead of just “ways to support someone who Has a Lot of Feelings Right Now”, then it would’ve been genuinely funny instead of just insulting.

  7. Eatadick says:

    The Sens suck.

  8. Liz says:

    This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. Thanks for contributing to the stereotype that women can’t just like sports on their own.

  9. Chilly says:

    This is ridiculous. How about you either take a genuine interest in hockey or just let your boyfriend enjoy the playoffs and find something you actually like for yourself. Pretend to be an old school fan? Don’t ask questions? You have to love HIS team? How about admit to being a new fan, try learning about the sport and think for yourself. Fake female fans are just another thing that makes it harder for women who are genuine fans to be taken seriously.

  10. Taylor says:

    You need punched in the face. Whatever happened to showing loyalty to YOUR team because you love and stand behind them? I am a diehard pens fan. When they’re out, i still watch the playoffs because i love hockey. not to please a man.

  11. Humie says:

    All the females on this planet that actually watch hockey on a regular basis are laughing at you. You’re a stupid puckbunny and this article was the stupidest group of words I’ve ever. You’re a disgrace to mankind.

    • Thank you for all that commented. Please note that only comments that are written in good taste will be approved. For all those who were offended by this article keep in mind it was written in a humorous and sarcastic light. I am, in fact, like many many girls, a born and raised hockey fan. #GoSensGo #GoFlyers #becauseitsthecup

      • Meg says:

        Understandable, but keep in mind that female hockey fans already work hard to be accepted and fans and not just some puck bunnies to begin with. Articles like this do absolutely nothing to help that out. I can see that this was written all in good fun, but there are a lot of ladies out there with a lot of pride who are fed up with always been portrayed this way even as a joke… you had to have seen this coming.

      • jessica says:

        I understand what your intent was, but for the past 24 years of my life (which is how old I am) I have been a die hard hockey fan. Die hard. My father raised me this way, and it broke my mothers heart. That’s besides the point. My father no longer lives with me, and on a daily basis I get “Oh, you like hockey?” while I wear one of my Flyers shirts/jerseys/whatever Flyers apparel I’m wearing. What follows that is some sort of comment that relates to me being a “puck bunny” or “Oh, it’s too violent for you/girls shouldn’t watch hockey.” This article has actually OFFENDED me considering the fact that it is telling females what to do for hockey. Be an old school fan? So, the girl is… let’s say 18. So she should buy a jersey that has Parent on it? Agree with everything? I’m with most people here saying that females should choose their own team if they so choose to get into hockey. I don’t want to continue being called a puck bunny because of articles like this and many others I have read. It sucks.

    • Lauren says:

      Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a joke. If you’re really such a die hard fan who lives and breaths the sport, grow a pair. I didn’t realize that women had become so insecure that they needed “acceptance” from their fellow male fans and would feel so threatened and insulted by article not even directed at their demographic. It was for the majority of females who don’t follow hockey, and don’t get it, not the true fans like yourselves. If you have guys who just consider you a puck bunny, roll your eyes and deal with it, you probably know more then them anyways. I would think if you knew hockey so well you could handle some chirps.Guess not.

  12. Valeri says:

    This article is the opposite with me and my husband. I’m the HUGH Flyers fan & he kinda likes Devils since he’s from NJ.

  13. kathy says:

    I checked this out cuz giroux treated what a good article….I’m a die-hard flyers fan for over 13 years and a season ticket holder for 3….I found u very amusing and I’m not offended at all…can’t people take a joke….u were just making light of how important playoff hockey is to real fans….thanks for the chuckle :)

  14. Ellie says:

    You just described my boyfriend……perfectly…erie….and sadly I always committ the carnidal sin of being happy when his team is out so we get more time together…My big problem is that this doesn’t just occur during the playoffs….I get it ALL NFL season long, most of MLB season and a LARGE portion of NHL season….its a yearlong thing….

  15. Alyssa says:

    If you’re just being a fan to please a man, don’t even try. I’m a girl and I know what’s going on. It isn’t impressive to any of my guy friends even all the guys I dated. Doesn’t earn girlfriend points. If the girls aren’t interested in hockey, they shouldn’t pretend to be. It only makes them look stupid when they can’t answer questions without making up an excuse. It’s better to just not even try if they don’t want to.

  16. Sabrina Salvo says:

    Hilarious Cat! And one important note.. if your city decides to riot. You riot with them! GOOD JOB NUTS OXO

  17. ibby says:

    You’re a Sens fan and THIS is the most enthusiasm you have to show for hockey? If you’re Canadian, you should have your citizenship revoked!

  18. Laurie says:

    Look, I get it that these ‘tips’ weren’t actually you saying it, they were quotes from whatever insane puckhead that emerged scruffy and hoarse from his mancave. I also get it that you wrote this as a lighthearted piece clearly intended for the type of girl – and there are many out there – who cling to the idea of ‘WE’RE A COUPLE, WE MUST DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER’ and actually would think this is a helpful article.

    I am single and I love hockey obsessively without a partner there, without needing anyone to impress. And I can like who I goddamn want to like, INCLUDING a player from another team. Is a guy seriously saying I can’t acknowledge how awesome Jonathan Toews is because I go for another team? Dude, I’LL break up with YOU.

    So this clearly wasn’t meant for me, and thank God. Any guy that would insist you follow every fking one of these tips sounds like a lot of fking work, and besides, all of those are MY job to do to my friends.

    And yes, that thing on Chara IS repulsive. We are definitely in agreement about that.

  19. Angryhockeywife says:

    I guess the roles are reversed in my house, while my husband enjoys hockey, he isnt obsessive about it as I am!! We are both huge Kings fans! My other favorite teams are the Caps, Rangers and Panthers, his are the Preds and Flyers. I dont expect him to like the same teams Ilike, nor does he expect me to like his. If he isnt interested in the what ever team is playing, he will go on the computer or watch something else on our other TV.

  20. Kirsten says:

    hahahahahaha this is hilarious, my boyfriend lives and breaths the playoffs, during Sens games I have mild concerns that he’s going to have a heart attack. I don’t follow hockey that much during the year but regardless there is nothing better then going to a bar or party, having some drinks, and watching a game with all your friends whether you know what’s happening at all times or you don’t. Playoff’s bring the element of the patio into play too, you can’t be that. Get involved and have fun with it. If you’re one of those girls who can’t handle a joke, or seriously needs her boyfriends attention at all times you’ve got bigger problems to deal with.

  21. ACL says:

    this was great — not offended at all! My hubs and I got a good laugh out of the whole thing. In fact, I am the one who yells at the tv the most, and he also has to live with my weird superstitions during playoffs. We have four daughters and we’re raising all of them to be hockey fans — GO FLYERS!

  22. This article is fantastic (I am so guilty of swearing in front of children during games…), and I just want you to know that I’m cheering on the Senators right now! (Diehard Flyers fan, but I reeeeally hate the Rangers–except Henrik Lundqvist swoooooon…).

  23. Talla says:

    a girl should want to learn about the game from being interested in the game, not by pretending … or trying to impress a boy/boyfriend

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