Ladies, if you haven’t noticed … it’s the playoffs.
While I may be in a minority demographic of women who actually LOVE the NHL playoffs, I feel for those that lose their boyfriends, brothers, roommates to the television / stadium / bar for two months of (epic) competition.
So, in a philanthropic effort to soothe the girlfriend playoff pain, I turned to a couple gems for a little advice. Below are some tips. Girls, pay attention and you might even have a chance with Henrik Lundqvist. (Already lost you … haven’t I).
– If you have a boyfriend, love his team.
– If you don’t, pick a team. A good team (do some research). Don’t pick a team because you like their jerseys or because you like Mike Fisher. We all get it, he’s hot and great.
– Once you have a team, know when they play. ie “Hey Rick, we watching the Flyers game tonight?” He will be so impressed that he may fall in love on the spot, or at least cook you a nice meal sometime.
– Once you pick a team learn a few players’ names so you can try and contribute to the “hockey talk”. Random facts are key. ie ”You boys know why they sing God Bless America rather than the national anthem in Philadelphia? Because its been a tradition, since the 70s, in the playoffs.” Jaws will drop.
– If someone says: “Don’t you know who so and so is?” Say yes. Even if you have no idea.
– Once your team is out, pick another team. But anytime you don’t know an answer you can now just use the excuse: “Yeah, sorry, I only follow the…..” Scapegoat.
– Nothing is better than a girl who has her favourite team’s attire…. Especially old school. Shows you’ve been a long-time fan. Even if you haven’t.
– On game day, pizza and beer always makes a great meal suggestion. Always.
– Never ever say you think a player on the opposing team is cute, because a) I dont *!@#ing care if you think he’s cute and b) He plays for the enemy. Actually, no complimenting anyone wearing the opposing team’s colours at all. Even if it fits them well, or brings out their eyes. Keep those comments to yourself.
– Don’t question any superstitions we may have about the game. ie. Specific seat, or meal / beer, can’t wash our jerseys, need a type of chew. Everything is done for a reason, one we don’t have to explain. It’s playoffs.
– I don’t care if you don’t like my beard. It’s tradition. Say you like it.
– If we’re watching at home don’t ask to flip during commercials. We’re likely flipping between three games. Or more.
– If we’re not watching together, an intermission is a great time to text. Even a TV time out is ok. Do NOT text me when we’re on the penalty kill and down 3-2. Or in overtime. Or anytime at all during the game.
– Never use the term: “Well, they tried hard.” I mean I damn well hope they tried hard. They are PROFESSIONAL hockey players and this is the PLAYOFFS.
– Don’t ask me if I really need another beer because I really don’t, but I’m stressed out, and it makes me feel better.
– Don’t tell a guy he’s “too drunk”. There is a method to his madness. If his team is winning: he’s drinking to celebrate. If it’s a tight game: he’s drinking because he’s nervous. If they are getting killed: he’s drinking to forget. Best way to handle it is get as drunk as he is, and try and feel the same way.
– Accept the fact that I will use horrible, horrible language at home, at the game, at the bar, in the car, and in front of children if something goes wrong in the game I am watching.
– If it goes into overtime, we’re watching it. Yes, sometimes it takes forever and yes, that means you might not be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy. We’re watching it.
– If they don’t win, don’t talk about it unless you’re complaining about the refs.
– Don’t you dare celebrate if my team gets bumped out of the playoffs because that means we can start hanging out again. I will break up with you. I mean it.
– And most importantly, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. Like if I’m yelling: “That’s *$!#ing offside, didn’t you see that?” You may not know what offside is, but you agree. “Totally offside.” Questions are for the internet.
So there you have it, ladies. You should now be well equipped to score some serious girlfriend points over the next few weeks. My best advice? Get. On. Board. Sure you might not take an interest in men batting around a puck, bloody fights and rules you don’t understand most of the year … but the best thing about playoffs is it’s an excuse to party … every night. And what could be better than that?
Big shout out to the boys that helped put this together: Jordan Stitt, Blake Brooks, Zach Neilson, Zach Jenner, Kevin Eller, Graeme Owens, Joey Manley and Jared Hutchinson.
FTB, all of them.