The Eight Types of Facebook Parents

Notification: “[Insert name of parent] commented on a link you shared.”

… internal panic.

Are your parents on Facebook? Mine are. And since our days of being photographed doing wild things are over …… (Just kidding. This photo was posted last month ————————->)

…… we are at an age where we can welcome our former guardians as friends on “The ‘Book”.

But, this segue into maturity comes with a price. Giving your parents access to your Facebook in your adult years can be compared to handing over the key to your diary in your pre-teen years. They now have access to wealth of information they used to only be privy to with your careful consideration. And while not all parents have the same strategy/enthusiasm/self-control when it comes to discovering this hidden treasure, they all manage to make us smile (and sometimes cringe) with their inventiveness …

 

The parent that likes EVERYTHING

You post a photo, they like it. Someone comments on your wall, they like it. You become someone’s friend, they like it (How did you even DO that?).

It’s like they’re on a runaway train and they can’t get off. They. Must. Like. Everything.

And if, God forbid, they’ve been away from the computer for a day – doing, you know, normal parent stuff – they go on a complete and utter rampage. Prepare yourself for 20+ likes, they cannot and will not be stopped.

 

The parent that comments on EVERYTHING

Hi, Dad.

Anyone who is my Facebook friend (and I mean every one) knows I have experience with this particular parent.

But I am not alone. This Mom/Dad is SO excited to have finally figured out the ins and outs of Facebook they can’t help themselves. They are likely so, so proud of every thing you do – picnic you take, concert you attend, promotion you get … tooth you brush … – that they will stop at nothing to let you know.

And, sometimes one comment isn’t enough. Sometimes two aren’t enough. Sometimes they must spread their comment over three or four unique posts. Who can blame them? YOU ARE JUST SO AWESOME, right!?

Next thing you know, they are friends with all of your friends and your homepage consists of only their name. Zuckerberg, parental controls (in reverse) for your next update – I’m begging you.

(Just kidding, Dad. Love you.)

 

The parent that signs off on every post

This parent is the same type of parent that ends every text message “Love, Mom/Dad XO”.

It is a subject you’ve breeched time and time again, that due to the miracles of caller ID, sender identification, and public profiles you already know who is messaging you. Just like there’s no need for a voicemail that says: “It’s Dad. Call me back.” there’s no need for them to sign off at the end of their Facebook posts.

It’s okay, though. Of all the Facebook sins, this one can be overlooked. It’s kind of cute, and we really do appreciate the “xo”.

Love always, Cat xo (just in case you forgot who was authoring this post).

 

The parent that misinterprets everything they read

Remember the time you posted a congratulatory message to your childhood bestie’s wall after they bought their first home which read, “Can’t wait for sleepovers at the pad!” …. and then your parents spent 20 minutes Google searching every variation of “Pad Street, Ottawa, ON.” I do.

You post a funny meme about quitting your job and all of a sudden you receive an irate phone call about the job market and your (unborn) child’s tuition payments.

How about the time you posted: “Awesome night, girlfriend!” and then got quizzed by your parental unit about whether you’ve switched teams. This will inevitably lead to the “Ok, so why DON’T you have a boyfriend then?” talk.

Wonderful.

 

The parent that won’t stop sending you game notifications

This is the same person that completely forbade you to play video games on a nice day and all of a sudden they want to give you a Life in Candy Crush Saga.

What the hell, Mom/Dad?

Aren’t you supposed to be scrapbooking, or gardening, or knitting/building something for your grandkids? Why do you need to buy a sheep in Farmville? How is your bejewelled score that high?

It’s like the time you found out your parents did drugs in the 60s – opening your eyes to a mysterious side of them you didn’t even know existed: the avid gamer.

 

The parent that has absolutely no idea what they’re doing at all

This is the parent who’s cover photo is simply the top of people’s heads, who thinks that only you can read a message posted on your wall, who routinely uploads ‘albums’ of just one photo and who, likely, asks you a question regarding help navigating “The Facebook” every time you see them in person.

This is the same parent that will write, “I’m sorry to hear Lindsay’s dad is in the hospital LOL” in a text message, because they think it means “lots of love”.

Figure it out.

 

The parent who is doubling as a motivational speaker

You are unsure where they have obtained this bottomless source of picture quotes, but they’re coming at you daily and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

How many times must a sunset inform you that “mistakes are the proof of trying”? I’m going to wager a guess that it’s about as many times as a rainbow can remind you to “see the bright opportunity in each new day”.

They also likely share A LOT of random stuff that have no discernible connection to anything in their lives.

This is the parent that is still forwarding you chain letters on the regular and truly believes in an inbox curse that will grant you seven years of bad luck while simultaneously depriving a child in a third world country of clean drinking water.

Sigh.

 

The parent who silently creeps … everything you do

I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

They have so skilfully mastered Facebook, that they know the “art” of creeping. This parent doesn’t show all of their cards – until, of course, an in person meeting where all of a sudden they know every intimate detail of your life.

And their creeping doesn’t just stop with you.

They’ll be the first to know if your ex is tagged in a photo with another girl (“That’s his cousin, Mom.”) … If your roommate borrowed your dress to wear to a wedding (“How do you KNOW that?”) …. Or if it’s time for you to go on a diet … (“That picture was taken from a LOW ANGLE. Of course I had a double chin!!”).

It may be time to adjust your privacy settings….

OR

…. to thank your parents for taking such a vested interest in your life. Like it or not, all the above types of Facebook Parents are caring ones. And, in my eyes, that makes every (thousandth) notification acceptable.