Hi Bachy fans!

It’s been too long. I have to start off this post by saying what an incredible job Meghan did covering for me last week. Not only was her wit on point (it ALWAYS is) but it freed up the two to three hours I usually spend toiling away at these for you, so I could spend some needed time with my fam.

Fo real, they take fo ever.

“I don’t know how she does it every week.” – Meghan on bleeding over Bachy Recaps.

But the answer there is simple: I am as OBSESSED as you are. Maybe more? No, let’s go with equal fanatics.

So naturally, I was all but cartwheeling around the house waiting for this week’s episode to start.

And. start. it. did.

Opening with small summaries about each of the relationships Emily currently has with her various suitors, it painted three very different pictures.

That Sean is perfect and how she feels about him is perfect and that their life together would be, well, perfect.

Then Emily talked about Jef-with-one-f (where was the mid-season confession “Ok, ok … it’s TWO f’s!” … sigh) and how she thinks he’s “super cool”.

OK, interjection:
I’m writing this – which means I’m allowed to biased. I KNOW Jef is adorbs. I LOVED his quote from two weeks ago (- still on the hunt for a man who would say that to me.) And he IS down to earth, charming, cute, etc. But is it REALLY just me that feels like they’re relationship is sooooo high school? “I like you.” “I like you too.” Smooch. I feel like Jef-with-one-F makes her feel young and Emily makes Jef-with-one-f feel like he’s well, he’s about to round home base with the top cheerleader.

Haters gon’ hate …. but that’s how I feel.

Then there was Arie, or should I say Mr. Maynard. Their recap looked much like the one they play at the END of the show after the proposal is all said and done. It could have also been a montage of them kissing in various locations.

Emily definitely was confused by the end of the recaps as she wrote: Emily + ? in the sand, (not cheesy at all. wow.) to which the question mark was quickly washed away with the tide. And by tide I mean Chris Harrison standing off camera with a large pail of water. Come on.

But as the one-on-one dates kicked off only ONE thing was clear: I WANT TO GO ON A DATE IN CURACAO FUNDED BY THE BACHELOR.

Holyyyyy hannah. If the men weren’t pretty perfect in themselves, the dates were out of this world.

Just a casual jaunt to a private island for Sean & Emily … no big deal. It DID, however, remind us all a litttttle too much of when Emily and Brad had their almost-to-last date on a private island. And Sean & Brad could definitely be related in some brawny-hunk kind of way. Maybe Sean is doomed after all.

At dinner, Emily was looking for Sean to drop the l-bomb. I mean, fair. At this point people have been saying it for WEEKS. After all Sean, you guys HAVE known each other for like two months at this point… WHAT’RE YOU WAITING FOR!?!?!

The handsome devil did manage to utter the words and to top it off he wrote the most ADORABLE letter to Ricki as a pre-emptive measure before they meet. WOW SEAN. Like, get more perfect. Seriously.

As I predicted Emily was going to be all “responsible mommy” about the fantasy suites like she was on Brad’s season. Woiuldn’t want to give Ricki the wrong idea … you know, “don’t go all the way just get half naked and make out with multiple boys in bikinis honey, that’s okay.”

But she did spend some quality extra time with Sean after they “for-goed their individual rooms” – (God Chris Harrison, you freaking stud) – and by the end of the night there was only one thing on my mind. “He’s NOT going home” …. dun dun dunnnnn.

And then came Jef-with-one-f’s date. Previews showed him asking Emily some tough questions ilke “you’re a great girl, that attracts great men. Why hasn’t it worked out!?” eeeesh. I think if someone said that to me I would just silently blink at them for a few minutes until they asked me how my entree was instead.

But, their date was nothing short of absolute perfection. Jumping off boats, canoodling, the world’s most incredible fantasy suite. I may not be on team Emily & Jef but I would have gladly third-wheeled that date any day.

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

I feel like if I pooled all my life savings, I may be able to afford the bathtub in Emily & Jef’s fantasy suite. #bachelorette

Hi guys :)

Same deal went for Em & Jef’s brief fantasy suite CHAT … somewhere the producers are slamming their fists into walls and the camera men are rioting because they’re usually off work by now.

Arie and Emily’s date consisted of a whole lottaaaaaaaa …. making out. Like, an excessive amount. Like, I’m not sure if they actually know each other’s eye colour. They did take a brief break from smooching to… SWIM WITH DOLPHINS. Because that’s normal. I’m convinced the dolphin in question was either a) a robot. Think friendly jaws… b) specially trained in a bachelor-run zoo, I mean there seems to be lots of animal encounters in these programs … c) Chris Harrison in a dolphin suit. Too far?

But, even Emily picked up on Mr. Grabby hands and said “she didn’t trust herself enough with Arie” to even ENTERTAIN the idea of chilling in the fantasy suite. She also proceeded to cry uncontrollably.

“Do you think Arie goes home and that’s why Emily was acting like it was the apocalypse when she chose not to sleep with him in the fantasy suite?” Shannon on being slutty and a crybaby.

Going into the rose ceremony we were all a little distracted by Emily’s attire. Not only was she rocking her DREADED fake ponytail ( – you have people HELPING you to get ready, how does this fall through the cracks… TWICE), but she seemed to also be prepared for an underwater wedding, rocking a MAD mermaid skirt. Like, she might as well have dyed her hair red, named herself Ariel and called it a day.

Dana Weiss ‏@Possessionista

Red Lobster. RT @TheOverAnalyst @Possessionista where is that skirt from?

Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

I wanna be, where the boys are, I wanna see, wanna see em’ squirming. Walking around wanting… what do you call it? oh. a rose. (stop me before I do the whole song)

Em also was having trouble keeping it together while speaking to Chris. Maybe because they are an ITEM!? Jokes. That rumour was debunked rather quickly … what a shame.

But, in ALL serious (I can be, sometimes, you know) … I get her. I would feel TERRIBLE telling someone I’ve spent the last 8 weeks assuring that I really like them and I could picture them being my HUSBAND that actualllyyyyy it’s not going to work out. Like ever again.

Ouch. Guilt complex.

So, as she watched slightly corny testimonials of the guys saying their last plea, she started getting emotional during Jef’s which I thought meant FOR SURE that he was going home. I was even questioning Arie a bit because of her fantasy suite snub, but I thought Sean was safe fa sho. I mean, would she not be insane to let this hottie go?

Then came the roses with the first one going to JEF.
WHAT. PARDON. Ok, now my blood pressure is rising, wtf is going on here. ARIE or SEAN .. could this be!? I was floored, and when she called out Arie’s name solidifying that Sean was going home denial, disbelief and practically delusion set in.

BLINDSIDED. CRAY.

I guess it’s all true. You can be TOO perfect and nice guys DO finish last. Orrrrrrrr, Sean was a real wiener and the Bachy producers did a good job of covering it up. Whatever the case, I’d be shocked if Sean hasn’t already signed his contract to become the next Bachelor. Looks like I’m applying after all.

And so we wait with bated breath for the season finale. Teasers make it look like she doesn’t even get proposed to. HOW. IS. IT. TWO. WEEKS. AWAY.

Can’t wait to see the claws fly at next week’s “The Boys Tell All.”  … It IS my mother’s birthday that day but …. family < Bachy. Just kidding mom.

May the best man WIN.

* We stopped tallying Bachy scores because a) it’s gotten too intense b) I was so far in the lead no one had a chance. All hail the Queen.

If you did a Bachelor pool with your friends we’d love to hear about it! Send us things you added, took away, or things you’d like to see in the future! Our Bachy Parties aren’t going ANYWHERE.