“I’m melting, I’m meltiiiiiing.”

So let’s say, hypothetically speaking of course, you went on a reality show and at a moment of sheer vulnerability and weakness you showed your most crazy side to the rest of the world. Wow. Embarrassing right? Like “how do I get up every morning and face the day knowing everyone thinks I’m completely cray?” RIGHT? … But what if you were then given a chance to redeem yourself. A few months down the road, you were given another opportunity to show millions of viewers worldwide your true self. That you don’t hide behind luggage on the reg, drop f bombs like it’s going out of style, say I love you after the first date or fly half way around the world for closure with someone you barely knew. You are just a normal human being who was caught at a bad moment. RIGHT?

Wrong.

If the girls of the Bachelor had one chance to show their true colours, reflect on their crazy behaviour and laugh at their silly mistakes … well they blew it.

The cast of clucking hens sounded similar to what it would be like if someone said “Who wants a COOKIE?” in the middle of a kindergarten class. Complete and utter anarchy.

I ALMOST wish I had missed the first five minutes and didn’t know Courtney was going to appear to be savagely attacked at the end of the show. It made me almost blackout in anticipation.

But as the show’s real stallion, Chris B. Harrison, gave a recap of the season showing clips of Ben and Courtney’s courtship and re-introduced us to the girls who’d been kicked to the curb, things escalated quickly.

I feel as though at that moment, had Chris H said “Here’s a bat and here’s Courtney? Would anyone like to take a swing?” There would have been a Spain-like stampede situation going on.

Easily the most annoying person of the night (and let’s be serious, that’s SAYING something) was Samantha.

Did her voice get shriller and more high pitched then when she was previously on the show? Well folks, I now believe in the impossible becoming possible. A highlight for me was definitely when cute, sweet, I-brought-my-GRANDMOTHER-to-the-bachelor Brittany lost it on her and said she was the ” house Chihuahua”. I fist pumped. Love when good girls go bad, just like Coba Starship. Even CBH (Chris B Harrison acronym), the 14 year vet at keeping his cool under the crazy couldn’t stifle his chuckle.

Shawntel Newton, Brad’s season cast-off made infamous by crashing one of the rose ceremonies in an attempt to fire up a supposed “connection” between herself and Mr. Flajnik, was back to defend herself. She seemed appropriately rattled at the fact that the rest of the girls dissed everything from her previous stint on the bachelor to the size of her thighs. And while the name-callers cringed with regret watching themselves be less ladies more playground bullies in the footage, most stood their ground that Shawntel should notttt have tried to steal their man. The bach-nut clan is in agreeance that the final two SHOULD have been Shawntel and Emily …. but we are sane, rational people and the girls on the show …. well ….. some have nice hair, at least.

If anyone “WON” the Women Tell All episode, aside from the viewers and producers of course, it was definitely Emily. Despite a dress that made her boobs like oddly spaced out, she proved to the world (not that she really needed to) that she is a) way smarter than any of the girls on the show b) more well spoken than most politicians and c) definitely out of Ben’s league. She seemed over it and not still pining over the mop-haired wino … my guess is that if Emily Maynard hadn’t been lined up to be Bachelorette, than Emily # 2 would have had a good shot.

Kacie B. also seemed more sane than usual; I wonder if she was sedated. One thing is for sure, she’s made strides since Switzerland since she didn’t collapse on the floor at any point. She did, however, clasp Nicki’s hands like they were newly weds for the rest of the show. Turning to lesbianism does not seem like a bad idea for any of the Bach-women who have been put through the ringer. I’m happy for their new lifestyle … just hope Nicki doesn’t run when she hears about Kacie B. bombing her family home in revenge.

Nicki had the best line of the night when she said: “Courtney’s face is beautiful, her heart is ugly.” Le-git. But is Courtney’s face really that pretty?

Ok, ok. I know she’s a millionaire model … but she always looks a little shiny and her facial expressions (not to mention the ha HA I hear nightly in my nightmares) aren’t so cute. Maybe she’s just in a constant sweaty state due to the fact that someone could be plotting to stab her in the back at any moment. I know I would be.

When they finally played the long awaited recap of the terror she inflicted on the household you could see the girls eyes go red. MY heart was beating fast. Is that weird? Signs of addiction. Ok fine, I’ll admit… I’m completely obsessed. I hear acceptance is the first step. Going to go have to go through denial in two weeks when the season is over. Anyone interested in forming a support group, please contact me.

Love how Casey S. just trailed off when asked about her friendship with the ice Queen “Ya I had a ……..” Hatred by proxy. Go back to your boyfriend that doesn’t love you. Wow. I’m starting to sound like a contestant? #Bachoverload. Retraction.

At this point in the evening the ONLY thing I was wondering was why we hadn’t seen more JENNA. Um hellllooooooo.

You have the world’s most hilarious human in your midst. Give her some face time! If I produced The Bachelor The Women Tell All would be renamed Jenna Explains her Meltdown Pt 1 of 46. Just me though …

Second most annoying person of the night award goes to ….. Monica. You were insignificant on the show. Try and stay that way. (*So insignificant I couldn’t find a google image of her. #truth)

FINALLY it was announced that Courtney is in the building and will be in the hot seat to undergo the verbal version of an old fashioned stoning. The girls literally lol’d. I clasped my hands in glee and somewhere Ben Flajnik bbm’d someone a “hand covering face” emoticon.

It was a slow and vicious beating as the girls took turns tearing a strip of poor Whoretney. She looked like she was trying REALLY hard to cry. And when she managed to squeeze out a tear I was utterly shock. Cyborg breakthrough. Emily called her out though (what a surprise) by saying: “We were human beings & we tried to make a connection to get through it” #fistpump … Oddly enough Chris seemed more interested in what JENNIFER had to say? Um, aside from the early l-bombs, I would nottttt consider her a relevant member of the show. Chris, keep your crush in check!

JENNA however got to speak. She used complete sentences to boot. It was a proud moment. I got choked up.

I think Courtney may have also spilled the beans a bit about the ending. She muttered something about being sorry to Ben and how she “loved him” … Past tense. Interesting.

If I was Lindzi I’d feel seriously left out here. Only leading lady that didn’t make it onto the episode … she was barely even talked about. She’s probably just jumping off a cliff somewhere. Just goes to show … if you’re not nuts, you’re not interesting. (In both the good and bad sense of the word ;))

Finally, the black widow scuttled off into a limo where she probably “ha HA’d” all the way home.

Then Ben “God-certainly-didn’t-know-I-was-going-to-be-a-celeb-when-he-designed-my-hair” Flajnik appeared and instantly said “Welcome to my nightmare.” I almost spit out my blackberry cobbler. At least it wasn’t an analogy.

Unfortunately, this was a rather dull moment. No women REALLY unleashed the fury. No one even brought up the skinny dipping!?!?!?! And instead of falling to pieces like the broken man he is now that he’s had two failed engagements (I’m hypothesizing here). He kept it together, with his aloof look planted firmly in place.

The only highlight of Ben’s appearance was when JAMIE decided to tell Ben that “she still thinks he’s a great guy” and … “if it doesn’t work out” to give her a call. JAMIE. Did you not watch the episode where you drunkenly and more than awkwardly stradled Ben while he laughed in your face and cringed internally for the world to see? No? Are your friends THAT good that they somehow shielded you from watching this footage? Holy hannah girl, give. it. up.

@inanutshellca   JAMIE. “It’s never been more awkward … except for the last time you made it that awkward.” – @megb723 #thebachelor

And that’s a wrap guys! ….. OH WAIT …. The show closes with a JENNA montage. I could barely breathe. WHERE was more of this during the show. Chris Harrison: “You had a bit of a meltdown.” … “Ya, I had a meltdown” * Cue crazed twitch in her eye. Monica even handed the nutcase a tampon. It was sheer television genius and I for one, had a smile on my face for the remainder of the evening.

So ladies and gentleman (come on guys, the ratio at our #BachyParty was 2:1) … mentally prepare yourselves for the fact that last week is the LAST EPISODE. It’s sad really. Love has blossomed, hatred has brewed, on a personal note I gained two new roommates and Monday night had become my favourite two hours of the week. But alas, all good things come to an end. Make sure to pack a box of Kleenex for the finale, it’s sure to be a tear jerker…