On Monday, a shocking/thrilling event occurred. A video of Beyonce’s sister, Solange, attacking Jay Z was leaked on the internet. As if Beyonce wasn’t already the most talked about individual of 2014, this family drama basically caused the internet to shut down… And still continues to do so. #WhatJayZSaidToSolange was instantly trending on Twitter and the memes were rolling out left and right. This has easily become one of the biggest entertainment news stories of 2014. Never have the nuts (OR THE WORLD, for that matter) so badly wanted details about an event since Ginger Spice unexpectedly left the Spice Girls.
And yet, here we are, two days later, without a formal statement issued by Bey, Jay or Beyonce’s Sister. We’ve seen Beyonce and Jay Z attend Brooklyn Nets playoff games smiling. We witnessed Solange remove all but ONE picture of Beyonce from her Instagram account. We then saw Beyonce post FOUR back-to-back pictures of her and Solange looking like BFFs, this morning. And still, the whole event is shrouded in mystery.
Since this has been the dominating theme of the world/internet/our iMessage group chat for 48 hours now, we thought we would weigh in on the possible reasons that Solange lost her mind and attacked Jay. Conspiracy theories and hilarity to follow…
JESS:
Solange. In the Elevator. With a clutch. 21st century urban Clue was released on Monday and Solange was the culprit. Or was she? We’ll likely never know. Although I quite enjoy her, I am thinking that…Solange could have easily just gone batsh*t crazy for a hot minute. It happens. Especially when:
a) You are Beyonce’s sister, who is practically the Queen of the world. An intimidating, cold, large, dark shadow to hover in, I would imagine. It would drive me bonkers to genetically be SO close to being Beyonce – yet so, so far from being Beyonce. Perhaps even kick-her-genius-hubby-in-an-elevator kind of bonkers?
b) You decided to dance like this – casual, free, careless – and people really liked it. But then… more casual, free and careless moves like these emerged and took the cake as those which would be mimicked for centuries.
c) You are drunk. And… in love? Ménage-Hov? OK now I’m just saying things.
KATE:
Solange has been a thorn in Jay’s side since ’03 when he and Bey decided they were down to ride till the very end. After dealing with B*tches and Sisters for far too long and having to put up with Solange’s Ignorant Sh*t, he thought to himself, it’s about time that I wipe that dirt off my shoulders and that’s exactly what he did.
He decided that the only way to rid his life of Solange, once and for all, was to plan the ultimate set up.
Jay was well aware that after a few martinis, Solange could almost guarantee some sort of outlandish behaviour, and on that notion he capitalized. Heading in to the ball, Jay- Z found an off-camera moment to proposition Solange for an intimate evening with himself, free of Bey. He likely whispered to her, “Solange, I think it’s on to the next one for me, cause I just wanna love you.” Taken back by Jay’s vile suggestion, Solange sat through the evening, stewing in anger, and debating whether this proposition merited a public service announcement. After downing countless libations, Solange was certain that the Knowles’s sisters run this town and that Jay-Z wouldn’t get away with this without a fuss.
Fortunately for Jay, their meeting in the elevator unfolded exactly as he planned and Beyonce, who knows the loyalty of her husband runs deep, finally got to see Solange in her true colours. What was Jay thinking as he kept his cool in the elevator while Solange writhed like an animal? I’ll tell you what he was thinking: “F**k with me, you know I got it.”
He then took a proud moment to wipe that proverbial dirt off his shoulder and strode off the elevator rocking his Tom Ford suit, truly showing the nation and the surveillance team what big pimpin‘ is all about. All eyes on HOVA now, right before he takes the world by storm with Bey by his side for the On the Run Tour – the perfect opportunity to assure fans worldwide that he is a loyal hubby and that his relationship with Bey is stronger than ever. It’s a hard knock life, Solange…
And we’re all left wanting an encore.
KAYLEE
You know how people say the truth comes out when you drink? I have never believed that. I have said and done things I do NOT agree with a few too many times while under the influence, and I believe Solange has fallen victim to this here. (“She’s just like US!”)
The first picture taken of Solange that evening shows her leaving her hotel for the main event, with a champagne glass in hand. Girl was pre-drinking her little heart out. We can all relate. Following the reports by “sources” present at The Standard’s Met gala after party (the scene of the crime), Solange was not feeling too jolly for the majority of the evening, even arguing with fashion designer Rachel Roy, who happens to have a strong connection to Bey and Jay. Rachel Roy’s ex husband (Dame Dash) founded Roc-A-Fella Records with Jay-Z in 1995, and they later had an ugly falling out. This may be a factor here, we’ll never know.
To bring things back a bit – You know when you’re drunk and it feels like you’re having the time of your life? Despite the fact that in reality you’re being a bit crazy? And then a friend (OR Bro-in-Law) says “maybe it’s time to go home…” and you’re all like “I’M HAVING AN AMAZING TIME. DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” And then you get reaaaaallllyyyy upset. And then suddenly you’re in a hotel elevator kicking and screaming? Thank goodness we aren’t famous enough for a security guard at said hotel to sell the recording of our ridiculous behaviour to TMZ. Thank. GOD.
Cue: “I’ve been drinking. I’ve been drinking.”
CAT
Who the f is Solange?
Am I the only one who blinked repeatedly at my computer screen in complete confusion when this story broke? Maybe it’s shameful to admit, showing that when it comes to Bey’s bio – I’m missing a few details (Hova has three siblings, yo. I’ve got Jay’s on lock), but, I think the reason behind the vicious attack is obvious. In true “Illuminati” style, it was a mastermind plan. Duh.
An excerpt of the trio’s convo at the Met Gala after party:
Solange: Yo Jay, I’m sick of people thinking I’m one of the waitresses. Someone just told me more ice in their Mai Tai next time.
Jay Z: Shiii*t, girl.
Bey: We run the world Jay, do something.
Jay Z: Well, I got haters in the paper and photo shoots with paparazzi … why don’t you go all psycho b*tch in the lobby??
Bey: Don’t be ridiculous, Jay.
…. Do it in the elevator.
Solange: K. I’ll attack Jay and then we’ll sell the surveillance tape to TMZ. I bet my awful song will get a few more hits on YouTube. Best night ever.
Jay Z: I don’t know what you take me as, or understand the intelligence Jay-Z has.
Bey: Stop doing that thing where you only speak in your own lyrics.
Jay Z: Fine. I’m in.
Bey: Attack him, ‘lange. I won’t even try and stop you and then a couple days later I’ll post pictures of us on Insta to completely mess with everyone.
Solange / Jay / Bey: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Suckers.
Any press is good press.
Bow down, b*tches.
MEG
Some people keep asserting that Jay Z is cheating on Beyonce and that Solange’s attack was defending her sister’s honour. I say, NO WAY.
a) He would be cheating on the Queen of the World. No woman can ever compare.
b) he would obviously gain way too much hate from the general public/Beygency to ever screw her over.
c) IMAGINE a Bey and Jay Z break up album, though? I don’t want to, but if for some reason it happened, I’m almost positive that the whole world would explode.
Anyyyyway, since I’m positive that 03’ Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and Bey will be together forever, here’s what I REALLY think went down:
Jay, sick of Solange’s drunken antics (fighting Rachel Roy and wearing curtains from the 60’s) was itching to once again confirm that he married the right sister, and stick it to his Sis-in-law. So, he made a comment about his doppelganger Baby Blue being the best child in the world. Solange, sick of always living in her sister’s shadow, was NOT about to let her son Julez fall into the same pattern with Blue (although really, did anybody know Solange had a sun until they googled her? NO. Sorry Julez).
Like any mama lion protecting her cub, Solange went COMPLETELY bananas on Jay. Bey obviously couldn’t intervene, I mean, she’s not going to hate on her nephew. But she also isn’t going to disagree with Jay Z/the world that Blue is the ultimate child. So she stands back and let’s Solange get out her anger, while secretly knowing that she has the ultimate family and that Blue is on the right track to taking over the Illuminati.
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