The (blackout) Bachelorette Recap: Episode 2

For all of our international readers, please note, that in Canada, Monday was a holiday.

And while Mother Nature is often naughty rather than nice when it comes to us Canucks, she showed her sweet side over the weekend. Temperatures reaching almost 30 degrees (yes, we use “Celsius” up here) meant everyone was seeking out of doors activities.

Which obviously meant only one option for my roommates and I: patio hopping.

So why am I starting my bachelor post with a lengthy description of weather in Ottawa and an overview of Canadian statutory holidays?

Well, my friends, it’s to show you my dedication to The Bachelorette and to writing these recaps for you. After five different venues (starting at 10:45 a.m.) and more than just a few pints, I made it back to my living room in time to watch Emily takeover the Bachy Party that was in full swing. But, that dangerous mix of a day in the sun, combined with one (read: ten) too many meant my recollection of the episode was a little less accurate than usual. So, I RE-WATCHED it last night. Ded.i.ca.tion.

I do remember, however, being quite overjoyed to learn that Ryan secured the first one on one date. He is, of course, one of my pool picks, which means I scoot into the lead. Duhhhhh.

But, while this adrenaline junkie clearly was hoping to skydive or something of the sort -I mean, come on, previous seasons have taught us all that that’s the only way to TRULY test if you can survive any obstacle together (kill me) – Flesh-Mesh-Mommy Emily pulled out another wild card and made the personal trainer / footballer bake cookies for Ricki’s soccer game. Talk about sweeping him off his feet.

He did seem to be mildly hating life, but he was a good sport about it.

He also seems to be just my type. Which basically means: run for the hills Emily. Run fast.

She seemed to be sort of on my page, though, because she said: “Brad was crazy good looking and we all know how that turned out.” Oof. Somewhere Brad Womack curled into a ball and started to sob.

Way to go Em, I think we’d be friends in real life. Except for the fact that your “I’m glad your here” is slowly sucking away at my soul.

I started a tally. I will reveal at the end how many times she said it, any guesses?

After Ryan creepily watched Emily hand over the snack to Ricki’s soccer team, from a far distance, like any playground stalker may have done, the pair went off for a nice meal.

Emily didn’t waste time and just started GRILLING Ry-guy with questions. He held his own but it was a REALITY check (see what I did there?) that this is a TV show. Any normal guy on a first date would have said “I need to go to the washroom” and never come back.

Back at the home, the guys received the next date card. The hint had to do with “setting the stage” so Stevie the PARTY EMCEE became the most excited human on the planet, while Kalon reaffirmed everyone’s hatred for him by announcing “I played Pinocchio in high school!” … Talk about an impressive life fact.

Now, I have been told that in my slightly tipsy state on Monday, the only thing I really got excited about was MISS. PIGGY.

Perhaps, this is because I had a huge obsession with her when I was little. So much so, that I once screamed “MISS PIGGGAAAAAYYYY!” at the top of my lungs, on a balcony, during a quiet moment … at CHURCH. Proud parents, I have.

Now if you didn’t watch you’re probably thinking what the HELL was Miss Piggy doing on the Bachelor? Fair. The guys were part of a variety show involving the Muppets. Romance at its finest.

Not the most exciting of dates but there was one especially crucial part. When Tony was singing I realized he reminds me of someone – MICHAEL SCOTT. He is instantly my new favourite and nothing can sway me from this. Now that I said it, you’ll see it. Trust me.

Charlie had issues with his role doing stand-up comedy because he’s still recovering from an incident where he fell off a 15 foot balcony and crushed his face. Maybe if Emily and Charlie get married their wedding song can be “Titanium”. Charlie’s still my boy though and I’ll reaffirm my thoughts on him from episode one “Cute. Like him.”

Emily announced at the end of the performance that they had raised $20,000 for the Ricky Hendrick Centre for Intensive Care (her late beau).

“Ok, so Charlotte raised $1,000 and ABC chipped in the other $19,000″ – Meghan.

At the after party, Emily seemed like she was a little tipsy. The girl who was probably the quietest on Brad’s season was just chatting Jef-with-one-f up like crazy. He didn’t seem to mind though, because after he said “That’s the best talk I’ve had with her yet.”

That is the second talk you’ve ever had with her Jef-with-one-f.

Despite the fact that I think my main man Charlie should have gotten a rose, Jef-with-one-f managed to secure it and off we went to solo date number two.

Joe (“Emilyyyyyyyyy!” from episode one) was the lucky guy, but it was plain to see by his nervousness that he, like the rest of us, knows she’s way out of his league.

His date was a disaster, answering things like: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” with: “happy.” I don’t blame Emily for sending him packing, but what I do blame her for is that she is. already. crying. You’ve got a long road ahead, sista.

And in true, we-love-to-twist-the-knife-in-the-wound Bachelor fashion, as Joe was escorted out of Charlotte by limousine, the fireworks they were supposed to watch together went off. At least they drowned out the sobs.

Highlights from the cocktail party before the rose included: Aaron STILL wearing the hipster glasses (I thought that was a day one gimmick), Kalon’s LARGE tie (who dressed this man) and Ryan’s seven page letter that he wrote Emily.

Did this not remind anyone else of the letter Rachel wrote Ross in Friends? “18 pages FRONT and BACK.”

While poor Michael Scott (Tony) watched on awkwardly and miserably. Charlie proved again that he’s my man, “She’s reading a novel.”

But, I must say that my favourite part of the ENTIRE episode was watching Meghan react to the rose ceremony. Keep in mind this is the second episode and Meghan already lost Joe. As Em whittled the group down Meghan was yelling “OMG Allessandro / Allejandro isn’t even in the pool.” When Stevie got a rose I thought she was going to have a coronary attack.

And with that, Kyle (Kate’s pick) and Aaron (1/3 left in Meghan’s pool) was sent packing.

BACH POOL RESULTS:

Meghan: (a measly) 21 points
Kelly: (a respectable rookie): 22 points
Kate: (you’re a vet, no excuse): 24 points
And ME: (Hell YES!!!): 34 points

Victory is sweet.

Next week looks like it’s going to be amazing with MEN crying everywhere and Travis’ egg getting smashed by Emily.

“Can we talk about how the egg isn’t made of marble and is made out of actual egg.” – Kate

See you then, in a slightly more coherent state. Wait, next Monday is my birthday… no chance.

Oh, and Emily said “I’m so glad you’re here” 7 times in the episode. One was to KERMIT.