A wise man once shared his thoughts with me on why the Bachelor is so much more popular than the Bachelorette.
“It’s science,” he said. “Guys will tune in to watch 20 babes go at it. They’re not going to watch if there’s just one…. Girls will watch it either way.”
And as sad as I am to say it, I think he’s right. But, as my male roommates paraded in and out of the viewing area where our Bachy Party was in full swing – stopping to gawk at the TV, muttering comments to themselves and lingering in the hall for far longer than was necessary – one thing was evident: this show is addictive. ESPECIALLY with an episode that was as juicy as last night.
If you’ve been following my weekly recaps then you know that me and my best pals are in what we call a “Bachy Pool”. Yes, we drafted men after the first episode, yes we award and take away points for everything from makeouts to early l-bombs, and YES we take it very seriously.
So seriously, in fact, that I could not have been in a better mood as the show started, seeing as my sitting duck (pun intended) Travis-the-egg-man-Pope FINALLY got a one on one date…. and in beautiful Croatia, to boot.
Still wondering if this ACTUALLY happened.
This southern sweetie was hard not to love, EVEN though he was pegged as a loonie from the get-go by carrying around a large Ostrich egg named Shelley to signify some weird point about him being able to be a good caretaker. NOBODY got it, Trav. Next time, leave the egg at home. Actually, don’t ever visit an Ostrich farm again. For any purpose. Ever.
But, even with such a terrible start (“I guess I’ll take the egg guy, dammit.” – pool draft, May 14) he was able to hang on until now. We applaud you, Humpty Dumpty.
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In Croatia, Travis’ egg could have fed a family of ten for a month. With leftovers. #Bachelorette
But, despite Travis’ best efforts (and omelettes), he stayed too friend zone for Miss. Maynard’s tastes (get it!), and she sent him packing.
Threw his umbrella. For good measure.
I know Emily has been getting some media flak for organizing boring dates… but I beg to differ. This week’s group date was another home run in my books. A highland games competition? Hell yes, hilarious. Not only were the burly men put through their paces of strength and agility (who doesn’t like watching that? Answer: not me.) but, some made complete fools of themselves AND they were wearing kilts.
Jef’s everyday outfit.
I’m surprised Jef-with-one-F complained about the attire, I thought his affliction for knee high socks would send him cartwheeling down the streets of Croatia in an instant.
No one hated this date more than Chris, though. The guy who looks jacked enough for most people’s standards, SUCKED at the games. While Sean – aka Hercules – dummied them all, even breaking the log in the log toss that had some sort of Serbian, or maybe Gaelic, name that I’m not even going to try and pronounce.
Hiiiiiiii Sean.
Just waiting for Ryan to bust out of the woods in his tank and kilt screaming “I volunteer as tribute!” #bachelorette #highlandgames
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But, Emily, always the Mommy gave the “cup of bravery” (a tin mug I think someone stole from a street vendor along the way) to poor Chris as an “A for effort sweetie” consolation prize.
Boys dying of laughter at Chris’ pathetic attempts.
The youngest bachelor was obviously elated. “PRIZE!!!! Yessaaaaaa!” And the rest of his night was made. He even got the rose on the group date, despite Emily smooching with Jef-with-one-F AND a HOT “push her up against a Croatian ruin” make out by Arie. Unfair. I thought Moms weren’t supposed to play favourites?
Oh wait, I know why Chris got the rose! Because he told her he LOVES her.
…. 
….
Cardinal mistake. It’s episode 6!!! And with that his points were RESET in our pool… muahaha. Sorry boys, gotta keep the l-bombs under wraps until AT LEAST hometown dates if you want a seal of approval from our crew.
What. are. you. thinking.
There was a lot of Ryan hate in this episode. Like, a lot. Is it his arrogance? His bed head? His oddly faded beard? His southern drawl? His general disrespect of women? Or the way he gloats about pathetic achievements? Either way, he is in my pool, and I have his back to eternity.
Apparently. the. same. thing. as. him.
Just kidding, the guy’s an ass.
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“I’m a guy who’s sort of a perfectionist” – Ryan … except when it comes to beard trimming. #whatisthatonyourface #bachelorette
BUT. He managed to get the other one on one date, much to the sheer misery and anger of the other men. This “suave” man seemed to have Emily a tad spell bound despite some of his worse qualities and the fact he’s mentioned to her TWICE she better not get fat after they get married. I know that’s exactly what I want to hear before tying the knot with someone …….. not.
But even Ryan couldn’t dig himself out of his own hole after referring to Emily as a trophy wife, again.
The dress she wore. I’m surprised she didn’t show up with a gold painted face and arms too.
To be fair, in this episode she actually dressed like an Oscar for the second portion of their date. Not to mention, she has fake tata’s and TEETH. She does scream Miss. America more than she screams “I swear I just wear sweatpants and no make-up at home.” But even so, after Ryan read out a list of items he wants his future wife to have (like, seriously, does all this guy do is WRITE. This is like his tenth letter), Em told him to beat it.
Someone this cocky could not go down without a fight, however. Saying “I’m shocked” and basically trying to convince Emily to reconsider while she clutched the rose like it might fly away. I called it from day one: MASTER. MANIPULATOR. That is, of course, why he was such a good pool pick …. until now. Eff.
When the crew member came to take Ryan’s luggage from the guys’ room I thought there was going to be an all out rave. Champagne popping, guys slapping each other on the back, someone crowd surfing … looked like it was going to happen. Probably should have.
Arie basically should have paraded around in this episode as a knight in shining armour. First the steamy street kiss THEN he sneaks out to Em’s room to make sure she’s “okay” after sending Ryan home. Makeout sesh ensues. The guy is good. I mean real good.T
Ummm, yes please.
The cocktail party almost never disappoints and this episode was no exception. John Wolf definitely felt the chopping block heat whipping out his grandparents funeral card and getting a little emotional. The number of guys that have cried on this season is shocking……… SHOCKING.
Just go home now. Save yourself.
But, Doug-the-Dad won the award for the most awkward human on the planet since the time when Ben Flajnik got mounted by a drunk girl, who we think may have never hooked up with anyone in her life.
“Doug’s never been kissed. He’s Josie Grossy.” – Meghan, on her last remaining pool pick.
He was literally sweating having his arm around her and was stuttering out “confident” lines that Emily made him repeat. Way to go Momma, if you don’t find anyone just dedicate your life to being motivational speaker. You should have given Doug a tin cup for effort too. Or at least a gold star sticker he could have warn on his lapel.
Those sneaky Bachy producers took us for a loop though, when it looked like Emily was going to send both the Wolf-man and Doug-the-Dad home in one shot. In reality, Chris Harrison (we haven’t seen enough of this man this season, where the f have you BEEN) brought out another rose at the last second, meaning both got to stay.
Hooray. What a happy ending.
God, isn’t this show great. Fear, humour, confusion, heartache, pain, sorrow and joy all in one. Sigh. It has it all.
And with that Bachelor fans, I PROMISE that next week when Emily finds out Arie used to date one of the producers (like, seriously wtf!?), s&!* is going to HIT the fan.
Can’t. even. wait.
Bach pool results:
Meghan (hating Doug the Dad for being in the negatives) Brown: 27 points
Kelly (praying Arie keeps up the makeouts) Michael: 36 points
Kate (loathing that Chris dropped an l-bomb) Lalumiere: 61 points
Cat (still cartwheeling after losing two men) Kitts: 87 points
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