The Bachelorette Recap Episode 3 – LET THERE BE BACH

It’s official guys … the Bach Gods have turned against me.

Is it my weekly judgement? My sarcastic tone? My critical eye? Or just my hatred for analogies? Whatever reason we have yet to have a successful #BachyParty this season. A neighbouring house was in flames for one, I was inebriated for another and then on my BIRTHDAY Bachy … the cable and internet went down.

I will probably get struck by lightening at the next one, but I don’t CARE. The critiscm will CONTINUE….

But, instead of my regular crew of hilarious females by my side, I watched this episode On Demand, with my 71-year-old father. He loved it.

The episode started off with a bang by Chris getting the one on one and proving he’s really more cut out to BE The Bachelor than just a contestant. Why you ask? Because he said “Love is like climbing a building…” No, Chris. Love is not like that. At all. Who even climbs buildings!?

Although the poor man’s Gerard Butler (did they select the entire cast based on “Look-Alike” auditions, SERIOUSLY!? ) was pretty charming on the date, he was OBSESSED with wanting to kiss her. After throwing out a few high fives he finally sealed the deal… just in front of a few couple hundred people… watching from a few feet away… no pressure.

Their date also proved that the ONLY thing to do in Charlotte, North Carolina is to go to an outdoor country concert and dance in a parking lot. That’s two weeks in a row, come on. I feel as though this season will have more spoilers than ever before because Charlotte residents have nothing better to do than to stalk Emily Maynard. Don’t really blame them one bit.

The group date started out with Ryan having a huge advantage. They were playing football for God sakes. He also proved that the only shirt he owns is a black v-neck. He wore it again later, in the SAME episode, to the rose ceremony. That time, he spiced it up with a blazer. So classy.

But the football was soon cast aside so that Em’s besties could grill the boys in one on one interviews. There is no way that if Emily wasn’t a bombshell any of the guys would be staying on the show at this point. First cookies, then this. I’m surprised they’re not all saying “This is my nightmare” and running for their freaking lives.

I wish I could invite Em’s pal Wendy to a Bachy Party. She seems like a GEM and was hating almost everyone. Except Sean, who proved he is an absolute dream boat – as long as he keeps the “I have my faith” thing in check. She also told Travis to get rid of the egg, which had me thinking of our male correspondent @Bakkesy. “FINALLY. Somebody says it.”

Emily then unleashed about 30 screaming kids on the boys and tested their Dad-like qualities.

Again, the front of the Charlotte newspaper should probably be “group of men runs down street like Spain’s running of the bulls.”

Doug, Sean and Ryan did really well with the gf’s until Ryan admitted in front of all of them that he would be upset if Emily got fat after they got married. Proving again he is EXACTLY like the kind of guys I go for. Put me on the show. Then end my life.

At the evening portion of the group date Tony REALLY couldn’t keep it together. He was weeping all over the place. By the end of the episode, he not only managed to send himself home to cry even more, but he was down -15 in our pool. Poor Kelly. Draft wisely, cry babies not included.

Arie managed to get the second one on one date and off they went to Dollywood. Emily proved she looks EXACTLY how I do on roller coaster: like it’s the worst moment of your entire life.

Her day was saved, though, when Dolly Parton made a surprise appearance. I’m surprised she didn’t give the rose to her.

Despite being fairly cute, I got a bit of a wiener vibe from Arie on this episode. Good thing being a RACECAR driver instantly makes you a stud. He also killed the Q & A over dinner and landed a sweet make-out out on a MERRY-GO-ROUND.

For future men in my life (or Ryan, when Emily sends you packing), that was probably my ideal date. Minus Dolly Parton and sub in Justin Timberlake. Except then I would ultimately leave you for him and sail off into the sunset on his sexy back.

A girl can dream.

At the rose ceremony Kalon learned NOTHING from Aaron and sported some hipster glasses. He also told Emily not to interrupt him. In my notes I have: KALON SUCKS. My Dad thought he was FOR SURE going to be the one sent home … Yes, Dad.

Travis finally let Emily smash the egg, also known as Shelley. It is a true miracle that you’re still around, bud, seriously. Mind. Blown.

“Did you enjoy the moment where they killed a bird?” – Kaylee

My fave part of the episode was when Charlie poked his head out to say “Shelleyyyyyy” after it smashed. God I love him. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

And holy hannah, I did not realize how spanish Spanish Keith Urban was. Or how much of an idiot he is. After he offended Emily SO badly and immediately was asked to pack his bags he referred to himself as a “King Gypsy.” Please tell me that everyone stayed to watch AFTER the “scenes from next week” when they showed a clip of Allessandro talking to Wendy and admitting he dated his COUSIN.

“She was like a third cousin.” No words…

Arie and Emily shared another steamy smooch (points skyrocketing) and looked like they were bf / gf. First overall draft pick for a reason.

When it was time to send someone home it got down to Stevie and ….. Nate? Like dude, I didn’t even know you were on the show.

“Who is that? I don’t even know his name? Kyle?” – Me, out loud, to my father.

But in the end, I guess the PARTY EMCEE might not be the ideal candidate for FULL-TIME DAD. See ya later, Stevie.

Next week looks like it’ll be a treat….. just hope I’m allowed to watch it this time. Starting my Hail Mary’s right. now.

Bach Pool Results:

Meghan (with two people left, one of which is Michael aka pony boy): 21 points
Kelly (Arie got 27 points alone, but Tony knocked her down -15, aha!):  34 points
Kate (making a run for it): 47 points
Catherine (a triumphant): 53 points

I live for this show.