Ok everyone, we’ve definitely hit the big times in bachey-world. Hometown dates are NOTHING to joke around about, I mean come on. They’re approximately 5 weeks into a polygamous relationship and it’s time for parents to smile and pretend that it’s not weird. The tension can often be cut with a knife and we live for the awkwardness that ensues. Thankfully, last night’s episode did not let me down.
Normally, our #1 B.N. (Bachey Nut) handles the live tweeting and re-caps, but as she and all my other usual Bachey-Party companions are all away on vacay, it was a Bachey-Party for one. #somuchpressure Luckily, I was able to wrangle two of my favourite men to be stand-ins and hopefully, you all enjoy my take on last night’s episode just as much as you love @catkitts. #bigshoestofill
In A Nutshell @inanutshellca
The usual #bacheyparty viewers are all #jetsetting!Say hello to tonight’s stand-
ins @ShaunDeschamps & #JaspertheCat
#1 Cat Correspondent
We started in Chicago with Chris, who after last week’s temper tantrum, was clearly in last place coming into this week. As much as Emily claimed she was ‘thankful he could apologize’ he certainly had a lot of ground to make up. He decided to do so by walking her through the Chicago streets and taking her to a pub, where he made sure that everyone knew that he was Polish. Like super Polish. Like on a scale of 1-100, infinity times Polish.
Melanie Murchison @missmjanelle
@inanutshellca how Polish do you figure? On a scale, of like, one to Polish?…
Retweeted by @inanutshellca
Next, Chris took Em home to meet his parents and his sister. They all sat on one side of the table, which vaguely reminded me of ‘The Last Supper’, which, if you know the outcome, is completely appropriate. Emily got some one-on-one time with Chris’ Dad and sister. Mostly, Chris’ Dad just summed up how great Chris was by using the word ‘great’ every 3 seconds. His sister, on the other hand, seemed to be the only member of his family who could tell that Emily clearly wasn’t THAT into Chris and basically asked her to send him home. “It worries me because he could come out of this with his heart broken. If you aren’t into him, let him go sooner than later.” Mmm hmm, sis knows what’s up.
This couldn’t be more awkward if they tried. Chris is literally tugging at his collar, the universal male sign for uncomfort.
The highlight of this date though, was definitely the staged mariachi band on the back porch. Because who doesn’t have a spare band lying around in the middle of Chicago. After a few tight lipped smooches, Em hit the road and off to Bachelor #2…
Next up, Jef-with-one-F’s hometown in Utah, where it was revealed that Jef has a ginormous family and a ginormous ranch. Emily commented that Jef ‘has a little more country in him than he would like people to know.’ I guess Jef is just a country mouse with a city mouse’s hair cut. Jef and Em hop into some sort of dune-buggy and go off to do some shooting. After promptly mocking Jef’s skinny jeans, she proves that she really is Miss West Virginia Backwoods Hoodrat and easily shoots every target.
Em, showing Jef-with-one-F who’s boss.
After some brief canoodling, Jef brings Emily to the main house and introduces her to a slew of his siblings. His parents are ‘out of town’ on a commitment, but from what our Spoiler Queen/Bachelorette Informant tells us, Jef’s family is Mormon and his parents are on a charitable mission. Which explains why there was a clear lack of alcohol that is usually present to help everyone ease the tension.
In A Nutshell @inanutshellca
Lemonade Cheers, someone please give this poor girl something alcoholic. She
has 25 people grilling her! #pressure #thebachelorette
Julia Kent @kentjulia
@inanutshellca They are hardcore Mormon. Maybe they don’t drink? …Parents
are on a Mormon missionary trip, that’s why they aren’t on the show.
In A Nutshell @inanutshellca
@kentjulia No offence intended, but lemonade for life? I’d be running for the
hills… #wino? #imokwiththat
Julia Kent @kentjulia
@inanutshellca #samesies
Emily got to chat with three of Jef’s sisters, who didn’t do a great job of selling Jef as potential father-of-the-year, saying, “I guess if he met the right girl…” Yikes. Future tense. That one had to hurt. Next up was the most awkward chat ever with Jef’s brother, who grilled her about having ‘sound principles’. Seems like he already has the poison koolaid poured and ready for Em to gulp down.
I swear, I’m a good girl. I’ve only made out with 3 other people besides your brother this week.
Luckily, the Spanish Inquisition didn’t last too long, and Jef-with-one-F pulled Emily aside for some more alone time. I was momentarily confused when he pulled out a love-letter. Ryan, is that you? Thankfully, Jef’s letter was actually cute (and obviously cheesy) rather than Ryan’s check-lists for trophy wife qualities. Emily obviously ate it up and the date ended on a high note.
In A Nutshell @inanutshellca
Ryan is that you? I see a 10 page letter and I immediately cringe.
#badmemories #thebachelorette
Unfortunately for Jef-with-one-F, Arie’s hometown date was next. And, as we’ve said in the past, their chemistry is so undeniable. They’re obviously engaged, if not already married with a baby race-car driver on the way. Anyway… back to the date. Em shows up on the race-track where Formula One driver, Arie is already doing laps, proving that racing is HOT. Not only did Arie look great in his suit, but Em strutted her stuff down the track, making male viewers across the world drool.
Match made in Formula One heaven.
After going for a lap in his car, Arie took Emily to a park where they started chatting about her meeting his family. Arie explained that his parents were ‘very European’ and that he was very worried about her meeting his parents, especially his Mom. Em immediately began to chug her wine, which I’m sure she was SO thankful for after her sober experience on Jef’s ranch.
Dana Weiss @Possessionista
I hate making fun of their family members on #Bachelorette. I mean, I’ll still do
it, but I feel a little bad about it.
Retweeted by @inanutshellca
When they arrived at the house, Emily met Arie’s sister, two (twin?) brothers and his parents. Definitely not the warmest of welcomes, as Arie’s Mom showed little to no emotion. Proving that they are just as Dutch as Chris is Polish, they rudely launched into a conversation in fluent Dutch, leaving Emily out in the cold.
In A Nutshell @inanutshellca
We need subtitles. Stat. #thebachelorette
It wasn’t until Arie’s Mom pulled Emily away that any semblance of human emotion was felt between the two. Giving Chris Harrison a run for his job as Interviewer, she got right to the point asking Em about her time on The Bachelor and what went wrong with her relationship with Brad. Diplomatic as ever, Emily talked about the fundamental differences between Brad and herself, winning over Arie’s Mom in the process. Either that, or they secretly bonded about plastic surgery off-camera. In the end, it didn’t matter. These two are so clearly smitten with each other, you almost feel bad for some of the other guys (aka Chris).
Emily in 20 years if she doesn’t quit the plastic surgery & tanning. Aka, Arie’s Mom.
But, before the show could end, we got to visit Sean’s hometown in a date that could only be described as ‘perfect’, mostly because Emily literally used that word 16 times in the course of 20 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I’d call any woman crazy who turned down a chance to be with this hunk, but the ‘perfect’ thing really got on my nerves. After all, Em sent Ryan home because she couldn’t live up to his ‘perfect’ standards (and probably because he wore a bump-it and shaved his beard to look like he had fangs). I would hate to see Sean go for the same reason.
Somebody buy me this playhouse and I’ll live there forever.
However, his family and family home did seem perfect, complete with ‘Kensington Cottage’ in the backyard, named and made for his cutie-patootie of a niece. But, Sean needed to reveal a big secret to Emily. One that could change EVERYTHING, according to show promos. As my excitement ran high to find out WHAT Sean was hiding, my mind wandered to the endless, scandalous possibilities: ex-wife, love child, addiction to eating laundry detergent… Ok I’ve been watching too much TLC.
Sean reveals that he still lives at home and Emily’s reaction is priceless. While she said, “Oh, you do? Cool.” She really meant W.T.F. Sean proceeds to show her to the messiest of rooms, with cookies crumbled everywhere and a plethora of stuffed animals. (My personal favourite was Whiskers the Cat). The seriousness of the situation slowly faded as Sean, the prankster, revealed that he was just kidding. Emily acts like it wasn’t a big deal but is secretly doing cartwheels.
Dana Weiss @Possessionista
“This is Whiskers” – pick up lines that don’t work. #Bachelorette
Retweeted by @inanutshellca
Next up, some one-on-one time with Sean’s Dad, who is also potentially the world’s sweetest man. I literally wanted to hug him through the screen for being so adorable. Completely on board for their whirlwind romance, he basically gave them his blessing and thanked her for helping him to open up. Melt. Em, if I were you I’d marry into this family and live happily ever after as Barbie and Ken. Ricki can be Skipper. It’s ‘perfect’. Oh, also, Sean channelled his inner Tom Cruise again and chased her down the street after she pulled away. I’m seriously beginning to think he may be a super hero.
Joe is that you? “EMILYYYYYY!!”
After watching all the dates, it became painfully obvious that Chris stood no chance against the best top three contestants the Bachelor/Bachelorette series has had in years. She spoke to Chris Harrison (NOT her boyfriend, contrary to popular belief) about how hard it would be to send someone home after just meeting their family. While she claimed to be struggling with the decision, I think she was struggling having to reject Chris, his parents and simultaneously, all of Poland.
Emily & the man everyone THOUGHT she picked. #thankgodhesstillsingle
In a rose ceremony with absolutely NO shocking twists, Chris was eliminated. He couldn’t wrap his head around her dismissal, and just as I was about to deem his exit somewhat classy, he once again proved that he was a child. “I’m ten times more of a man than the ******* dudes back there.” Ummmm, hate to break it to you Chris, but don’t you remember the Highland Games? Also, Chris apparently gave Emily the finger out the sunroof of the limo as he drove away. This is hearsay, as I haven’t been able to confirm it yet. But that big baby would TOTALLY do it. When you’re more immature than your girlfriend’s 6 year old, it’s time to go.
Yep. Super manly, indeed.
And with that, ladies (and gents, we know you’re watching too) we can put another episode of The Bachelorette to bed. Em’s got some tough choices on her hands next week as she jets off to the Caribean with Jef-with-one-F, Arie and Sean. Not only does she have to decide who to bring to the final two, but she also has to decide whether to use the Fantasy Suite. So far she’s been open to lots of smooches, but I don’t know if Em would engage in any hot-tubbing and heavy petting on national television. Can’t wait. Until next time Bachey-fans!
P.S. Since I was alone, I couldn’t live-tweet, take notes AND count points for our pool. I’m only one person! Find out how far Cat is in the lead our scores next week!
This is the most genius recap of a Bach episode I’ve ever read. LOVE.