The Bachelor Recap – Episode 3: #everyoneiscray

Well, folks. It can’t get any better than this. Seriously, how are the Bachelor Gods going to top themselves next week? It’s impossible! Last night’s episode saw, someone leave the show of their own volition, a former Bachelor contestant exploding onto the scene, fainting, caged-animal-like anger and all of us losing points by the minute, for tears that were flowing in every direction.

Just a great example of educational television. The lesson: don’t be cray, and if you are, don’t go on National TV.

Let’s start at the beginning.

Emily, who we saw rap (off of cue cards, not freestyle – weak) in the first episode secured one on one date numero uno. While you will see that she quickly rose about a hundred notches in our Bachelor books by the end of the episode, we couldn’t help but start out by detesting hers and Ben’s climb of the San Francisco Bay Bridge.

For once, it was not the girl’s fault, but BEN needed to QUIT IT with the analogies between the bridge and their love life. No, if she makes it to the top of the bridge that does not mean that you will overcome every obstacle in life for ever after. It just means that she is not a WIMP. Cute kiss, but if you mention one more thing about obstacles in life and love, I’m pressing mute.

However, the dinner portion of the evening was adorable and Ben got back into our good books when he said: “My father loved my mother because he thought that she was smarter than him and I, in fact, think you may be smarter than me.” Get. Cuter. Ben.

The group date that followed was just downright hilarious. We were really missing Jenna though, who we knew would be just a GEM as the bikini clad girls went down the hill bottom-backwards. Only Jenna, in her wizard costume, obviously, would have been able to pull of the most impressive wipe-out followed by full lip pout.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Brittany secures one on one date number two. Instead of being psychotically ecstatic, like the other girls would be, she actually looks distressed. Emily, the heroine, came through again to boost her confidence and say she thinks they’ll have great chemistry. So. NICE. Wow. She’s allowed to come to our Bachy Party next week.

But Brittany can’t take the heat, or more likely “She misses GRANDMA!” as Jess pointed out, and decides to go home before the date even takes place.

Good move, Brit, we support your choice to not take time away from the other ladies. Grandma would be proud, even though she probably hates you for giving up her dream man. Cut out of the will, for sure.

But before she exits, she manages to cry, making Meghan lose an additonal five points, not to mention another player. “So minus five, you sl—” (#BachPool or die)

Rachel secured the group date rose while we pondered Kacie B’s sanity. She is sweet for sure, but we definitely think she has the potential to be a “points resetter” and blurt out she loves Ben before the hometown date. Secretly I’m praying for this, she’s not one of my girls. Booya.

Lindzi got the consolation one on one date after Brittany’s departure. We were originally rooting for the cowgirl, but her caked on makeup face made us cringe a little. Not as much as when their date turned into the mother of all AWKWARD activities when they solo danced in front of a band.

“This is my worst. nightmare. They didn’t even DRINK! I hope that ice cream was spiked,” – Jess, on watching it be #awkwardfortheband.

Date was redeemed, when they sat at a piano and Ben played “This Year’s Love”.

“This is the only song he knows how to play. Second time in three episodes. One hit wonder.” – Meghan, on the soundtrack.

Our favourite hashtag from last episode was #Jennaiscray which, thankfully, will (almost) live on with #Jenn(ifer)iscray  … I’m surprised Ben even kept her around after she admitted she was dreaming about him – yikes. She also admitted to the camera she’s falling in love with Ben. They. Have. Had. One. Group. Date.

Inexcusable behaviour. Bachelor blacklist.

Some cocktail party highlights include when Nicki, who we are still rooting for, despite doing NOTHING for our pool, played a cue card 20 questions game with Ben, when one of the girls pointed out Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with (SO TRUE) and when Emily said “Courntey has a social disorder. I think she should get diagnosed.” HA! New favourite female.

The most shocking part of the evening was definitely when Shawntel Newton from Brad’s season showed up, three episodes in, to join the cast of ladies.

Um, what? Sure we all made a virtual “hand covering face” emoticon when she made Brad lie down on her mortician’s table … but she was pretty normal on his season. Actually, one of my faves. A shocking move, which the girl’s did NAT appreciate.

As Shawntel awkwardly explained to Ben that she has strong feelings for him, Courtney and Samantha literally watched from about four feet away. Be discrete people! Has no one showed you that there are three hundred windows in that mansion? Hide behind a plant and hide the fact that you’re INSANE.

Elyse, who I’m ashamed to say made my picks (fml), demonstrated that she is a brute dressed as a normal woman, when she tore a STRIP off of poor Shawntel who seemed to hold her own, despite being berated by the pack of blood thirsty women.

Elyse wasn’t the only one, however, and Courtney really showed her class when she referred to her — TO BEN – as “What’s her butt.” If I were Ben, immediate dissmissal. Do not pass Chris Harrison, do not collect $200. She almost looked like she was not going to accept the rose, but she did.

“If you go home, I’m going to kill myself,” – Meghan, on one of her three remaining pool picks.

Erika faints during the rose ceremony.

Literally, faints. Because clearly, after three weeks in the Bachelor House you are Juliet, and Ben is Romeo and this is completely legit. NOT.

“If she faints, minus forty points,” – Meghan, on idiots.

The ruthless bachelor, decided to pass out (Ha, get it!?) one less rose than he was supposed to and sent her packing, along with heartbroken Shawntel.

We predicted this was going to the outcome, however, we secretly think they had a steamy text sesh, or even hookup in the past to make her make that ballsy move. But, he sent her packing to avoid the wrath of the other women. Smart move, Cassanova.

One thing is for certain. “That has got to be the worst way to spell ‘Chantal’. ‘Shawn’ like the wrong way to spell the guy’s name. And then ‘tel’ like Nortel.” – Jess, on baby names.

Jaclyn, also was sent into hysterics upon dismissal. But who really cares? Not us.

We’ve added a new feature to our weekly roundups: THE MVB. Most valuable bachelorette, obvs.

This week’s winner: EMILY

You really proved yourself to be a legit human, by being normal on the date, encouraging your fellow vultures and aiding in the fainting situation. Now don’t board the cray train, we know it makes frequent stops in these parts.

When Jess said, “I thought this show was supposed to be two hours!?” Even though we had indeed sat through two hours of gripping drama, we realized how deep our love for this show runs. Is it Monday, yet?

Pool standings after week three:

Kate (cheater): 147 points

Rhiannon (not getting invited back): 142 points

Shannon(wasn’t even there, should incur a penalty): 123 points

Meghan (down to three women): 95 points

Jess (confused at all times): 88 points

Me ($*#& !!!!): 75 (measly) points

Wish me luck nuts, I need it.