Holy Hannah (Montana).
As I write this, I am cringing at the fact that I am now the one millionth person to blog about Miley Cyrus this month.
Get over it. Right?
The thing about Miley is she just will. not. go. AWAY. Every day she’s making headlines for one outlandish act after the next.
And then there come the debates about slut shaming, women’s right to express themselves, progressiveness…. Well, I’m not here to do that. I like to think that all of us In a Nutshell girls possess a degree of decorum here in the blogosphere, and otherwise.
I’m not here to talk about how Miley’s just being Miley, or to rant about how she’s a terrible influence to my daughter (partly because I don’t have one).
To be honest, I’m a journalist. And journalists love characters like Miley Cyrus. (You can’t WRITE this stuff!) The fact that she manages to have gossip columnists, who usually have the attention-span of two-year-olds, eating out of the palm of her hand is well, in her eyes, admittedly a job well done.
Miley’s not the first. Nor will she be the last. But since a hot topic on this blog, as of late, has been about how we’re kind of getting old (because we kind of are), I thought it might be fun to reflect on the last decade of, as A$AP Rocky would call them, bad b*tches.
The evolution is equal parts shocking, and eerily similar. Twerk (I mean tweak) a fact or two and Miley is basically just like every other femme fetale in history……….. Riiiiiiighttt ……….
Let’s stroll down memory lane, shall we?
1910s
Florence Lawrence (“The first movie star”)
How is she just like Miley? Well they both had catchy names, that’s for sure. Florence Lawrence was shot to Hollywood stardom when it was falsely printed that she was DEAD.
But this is 2013, the only way to solidify yourself on the A-List is to spread the rumour that you are having a BABY with JUICY J. Yes that’s right – First name: Juicy. Last name: J.
1920s
Josephine Baker
Jojo was subject to a lot of hate, just like Miley. But she knew she needed to differentiate herself, too. Her signature look? Cross-eyed. Gave her a “loveable and goofy” personality.
Miley’s is … THIS:
1930s
Mae West
Mae West was sentenced to 10 days in PRISON and given a $500 fine, charged with – GET THIS – “obscenity and corrupting the morals of youth”. Why, may you ask? For writing, under the pen name Jane Mast, directing, and performing in the play Sex.
Meanwhile, in Miley’s world…..
1940s
Betty Garble
She is most known for this risqué image of her booty in a body suit. Miley’s version….
Honourable 1940s mention goes to Liza Minelli who also had famous parents and was also a little loopy.
1950s
Marilyn Monroe
On the subject of iconic pictures … Marilyn’s most famous photo was the one where she is trying to cover up her lady bits.
….. Miley, too, can be charged with trying to maintain a margin of decency … oh wait.
1960s
Audrey Hepburn
Can’t really knock this classy beauty, turned humanitarian. In fact, she doesn’t even belong on this list.
But, she did make headlines when she called off her engagement to James Hanson. For Audrey, her career was taking up too much time and was quoted by saying: “When I get married, I want to be really married.”
Meanwhile, Miley is rumoured to make fun of her ex-finace Liam Hemsworth on tomorrow’s SNL performance. Oh and she started the above rumour about being pregnant with – one more time – Juicy J’s baby.
Audrey Hepburn and Miley Cyrus: synonymous with class.
1970s
Gia Carangi
Gia Carangi’s life was a sad one and I’m not here to make fun of it. A battle with heroin, a life taken by AIDS at age 26. But, while the visible red bumps in the crooks of her elbows where she had injected heroin were airbrushed from her finale appearance in Vogue in November 1980, Miley is telling Rolling Stone that “Molly” is okay because it’s a happy drug! But even though she’s getting “high on purp” and everyone’s “trying to get a line in the bathroom” she thinks “coke is gross”, kids.
That’s an actual quote. Lesson learned.
1980s
Madonna
Madonna was one bad bitty. “Like a Virgin” video aside, her most controversial quote was when said she wanted “to rule the world”. Miley isn’t asking for that much, she just wants to rule YouTube.
“My whole thing is, haters are gonna hate, but haters are also going to click on your YouTube video just to watch it, so I don’t really care. You helped me break the record. Even if you were watching just to hate on me, and now I hold the record, so I win.” – Miley Cyrus.
She wins, guys.
1990s
Britney Spears
It’s Britney B*tch. Her complete meltdown didn’t come until 2008. In the 90s she was only making moms switch the channel from MTV because she was wearing a belly top.
But, Miley and Britney aren’t that much different. I mean, they both shaved their heads and they both started to lose it in their mid-20s.
Let’s all just be thankful Miley doesn’t have any kids. Like seriously, seriously thankful.
2000s
Rhianna
Why’s everybody gotta hate Miley while RiRi is dancing with strippers and twerking, too? Well, the thing is, no one thinks Rhianna is a good role model, either, and when that good girl went bad she was just as quick to say she never wanted that title, anyway.
So, is Miley just a product of her environment? Probably. The difference? Rihanna does it better.
So haters gonna hate, RIGHT? And this post is probably just perpetuating her fame, RIGHT? But let’s all just let Miley enjoy 2013. Because she’s already getting old fast and let’s face it; it’s only a matter of time before someone else takes center stage as this decade’s craziest cat.
And in the meantime, it’s (kind of) entertaining.
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