Last week, in a nutshell brought to you a plethora of gift guides.
We’re nice like that, eh?
If you’re in a bind buying for the fashionista, homemaker, music lover, foodie or workaholic, we’ve got you covered.
But, what about what NOT to get? We all know the true meaning of Christmas – and for me, the holidays mean spending time with family that’s spread way too far apart for my liking – but if you’re going to be spending your year’s savings on getting the ones you love the perfect gift … they better be returning the favour. Am I RIGHT?
Below a gift-guide in reverse. Follow these simple rules and you may not be the giver of the gift everyone’s gloating about, but you’ll guarantee the safety of your purchase to not be regifted immediately after unwrapping.
Life’s tough.
For the child:
Anything they can’t use in winter.
I don’t care if Jimmy complained about needing new rollerblades all summer, if little Samantha looked on with envy as the neighbours kids used their slip and slide on every scorching hot day, if 10-year-old Derek believes in his ability to become the next Tony Hawk, or if you could be responsible for giving baby Rebecca her first bicycle. IT’S WINTER, PEOPLE. (Well, if you live in most parts of Canada, or the Northern United States, anyway). A child can barely wait five minutes to do something they really want to do … TRY 5 MONTHS. Their eyes may light up with Christmas cheer as they parade around the living room with their new toy, but prepare to deal with the nosebleed that comes when Billy tries out his new wheels… on a sheet of ICE.
Impending doom.
For the teen:
Anything domestic.
What your mom thinks.
Ohhhhh, you’re getting so grown up! You’re doing your chores without being asked! You cook a meal once a month. You’re starting to save your allowance so you can move out after high school! Here’s a … vacuum!
What.
Unless you want a full-on teenage rebellion on your hands, an appliance, cook book or cleaning tool is completely off limits. Don’t force it. Soon enough your “little baby” will be so grown up they’ll be ASKING for a toaster … and questioning their own lives. Trust me.
Reality.
If Pintrest is telling you to do this, delete your account.
For the student:
Anything that reminds them they’re a student.
No more pencils, no more books! Ever hear that joyful little chant? Well, you’re going to hear it again as an advanced calculus book is being flung at your head with the bow still attached. The exam period comes directly before Christmas for one reason and one reason only: To remind students why they need to graduate so that they never. have. to. write. a. paper. again. Save the personalized ruler, stapler refills and bouquet of pencils for a back-to-school present. Unless you’re giving a starving student an unlimited supply of pizza delivery or a piggy bank full of cash, stick to things that will push school to the back of their overworked brains.
For the single person:
Anything “for one”.
The worst gift in, possibly, the world.
Despite how expertly single people have become at brushing off the subject when accosted by grandparents or other inquiring relatives – “Oh no, grandma. Still haven’t met the right guy.” … “Oh Aunt Leslie, I’m just focusing on my career.” … “I’m still young, Cousin Linda. Still having fun.” – single people KNOW they’re single. They don’t need to be reminded by receiving the “Microwave for One” cookbook in their stocking. Sorry Mom, I know you told me I should start making a hope chest, but I’m not Pochahontas and I don’t need a dowry. It may be the thought that counts, but if the thought is “Here’s a parrot, so you actually have someone to talk to.” Then tell Pauly to shove it and get the single person in your life a Victoria Secret / Calvin Klein gift card instead. A bird isn’t going to bring wedding bells, but that might.
(Unless it’s a puppy for companionship. I’ll They’ll accept that.)
For the new relationship:
Anything you wish YOU were getting.
“But you always use my razor?” … “WTF.”
“But babe, remember how much fun we had taking my truck to that drive in movie? Well, here’s front row tickets to the Monster Truck Show. And because I love you SO much, I bought us UFC tickets too!”
If you’ve already rehearsed that speech fellas, well, I hope you bought a gift receipt. Sure, there are plenty of activities you and your beau could enjoy together and maybe your significant other and you have the exact same tastes. Great! But if you’re planning on buying your boyfriend broadway tickets to the Beauty and the Beast, he BETTER have a soft spot for Disney classics, or next season you may be unwrapping Microwave for One, after all.
For the spouse:
Anything you got them the year before.
Imminent divorce.
“I know you love spatulas, honey!” It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 5 years or 35 years, no one wants a stock pile of the same s*!t year after year. You may have pegged down your mate’s likes and dislikes at this point, but be bold! Go in for the surprise. What do you have to lose? Your marriage, that’s what. Best part about giving an-outside-the-box gift? “Can’t say I didn’t try.” And if all else fails, your local grocery store will still have spatulas on hand next year. I promise.
For the grandparent:
Nothing is off limits. Go nuts.
Grandparents fall into two categories: Those that love everything and those that hate everything. So either way, they should be the easiest person on your list to buy for. A Canadian Tire Gift card? Perfect! A lifetime supply of dish doilies? Just what grandma wanted! No matter what it will probably get put in the attic or basement, never to be seen again. Stick with an autographed headshot of yourself. It’ll give your grandparents something to brag about when the cleaning lady comes next week.
“Is it Christmas? Why am I wearing this hat? Who are these people?”
Happy (& headache free) holidays … in a nutshell.
For the best friend – an inside joke!