Fourteen “frenemies” every girl has

I’m going to start this post plain and simple: I like people.

I genuinely enjoy the company of others. In fact, I think I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve met, in my entire life, that I actually can’t stand. In other words, I’m not quick to judge and am speedy to love.

There are, however, those certain “friends”, acquaintances, friends of friends, coworkers, neighbours or just other people in your life that you may not have become friends with in the organic sense.

And while even the most easygoing people are hard to agitate, there are some general personas that every young woman has had to encounter, engage with and endure.  

These people are not bad people. They are often people that can generally be tolerated, or even liked. But, every once in a while they do something that allows you to see exactly why they fall into the “frenemy” category of your life and have yet to cross the cherished threshold of true “bff” kinship.

Below a list of internal-cringe meriting behaviours. You know you’ve met at least one:

1. The girl who has the perfect boyfriend.
   You’re single. You’re looking. Not just looking in a passive sense, you’re actually trying to find the map to the secret underground hangout you’re convinced suitable men congregate at. Meanwhile, this girl is dating a real-life Ryan Gosling. Not only is he beautiful but he’s sweet, funny, perfect and perfect. He showers her with gifts, you shower her with jealousy. You’re quite certain that if this couple broke up you would weep into your pillow at night knowing that there really is no hope for you. At all.  
2. The girl who sings loudly over the music. But is tone deaf.
   You and your girlfriends are JAMMING. You are having a GREAT time. It’s Friday night, and you’re feeling alright. Just when you’re thrusting your fists into the air thinking, “THIS is the good life,” this girl chimes in. Loudly. You’re not even sure if you’re listening to Justin Bieber or Fatman Scoop anymore. All you can hear is the sound of your ears bleeding.
3. The girl who says condescending things in the sweetest way possible.
   You’ve yet to figure this girl out. She may hate you, she may like you. It’s impossible to tell. What you do know, though, is that you hate her. She says things like, “Oh my God, you live your parents? That’s SO cute.” You blink repeatedly back at her as a response. And, “Oh, I love your boyfriend! He’s such a nice guy. Like, I could never date him, but he’s great.” You respond: Thanks, I AM dating him. This girl may only exist for the sole purpose of the hilarious exchange you will have with your ACTUAL best friend after she walks away. “WTF was that?”
4. The girl you’ve met once, who’s somehow borrowed an article of your clothing never to be seen again.
   This girl is a ninja. You’re not even sure how she got into your house, let alone room. You can’t even send her threatening Facebook messages with a ransom for your lost article because you don’t know her last name. She infiltrated and she won. Kiss that favourite razorback top goodbye. It’s lost forever inside her gypsy closet of stolen treasures.
5. The girl who covertly copies your style.
   Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right? Wrong. Your Mom only told you that to make you feel better when that girl in your grade one class showed up with the same Little Mermaid backpack as you on the second day of school. You hated her and you hate her adult counterpart who’s a secret style snatcher. Doesn’t matter if it’s a knitted headband, funky gold ring, haircut or vintage umbrella, this girl will somehow have something similar (read: exact replica) the next time you see her. It will be accompanied by an “Oh em gee. We have the same _____” That will make you smile sweetly while clenching your fist.
6. The girl who’s life is worse than yours no matter what.
   You’re having a bad week. Your dog died, you didn’t get the promotion you wanted and you’re fighting with your boyfriend. You feel terrible and need to vent. To anyone, even your frenemy. This girl responds to your complaints with “Well I’m allergic to dogs, and I hate my job, and I’m single, and I’m fat, sooooo…..” You do not feel better. You add “avoid this person at all costs” to your to-do list. And cry.
7. The girl that overshares everything.
   You have known this girl for a total of 18 minutes. You’ve literally just been introduced. In that short time, you’ve learned everything about her most recent sexual mishap, her bad relationship with her father and the wart she got removed, last week. You’re frightened. You wonder not only why you’re being privy to this knowledge but how this girl did not come with a warning sign.
8. The girl who sucks at being hungover.
   We get it. It sucks. Nobody likes being hungover. If it was a pleasant experience that could be likened to the first time you rode a pony, the unemployment rate would spike. The only thing that sucks more than being hungover is having to deal with someone who sucks at being hungover. They whine, gag at breakfast, groan, turn you off your own eggs, complain, cuddle your involuntary shoulder, grunt and genuinely suck the little life you have left right out of you.
9. The girl who compliments you when you know you look awful.
   It happens.  Everybody has those days: You sleep in. You have no clean laundry. Your hair looks like you ate breakfast in a wind turbine. You spilled your bronzer beads on the bathroom floor. You look awful and you know it. These are the days that this girl choses to compliment you. “Wow, I love your shirt.” It has a coffee stain on it, you b***h. “Your makeup looks great!” It’s running down my face. “I love your hair like that!” It’s never looked worse. Is this girl trying to pick you up when you’re down? No, she’s just calling attention to your blatant unfortunateness.
10. The girl who you don’t know at all, yet buys you a grandiose gift.
    This girl is a sweetheart. She’s one of the most thoughtful and genuine people you know. But you loathe her for it. How did she not only know it was your birthday, but manage to bring you a cake, balloons, piñata, homemade card and set of pristinely wrapped wine glasses? You are now socially obligated to return the favour. You now must not only find a covert way to discern her own date of birth, but you must make an equally outlandish purchase. So much for your new-shoes fund, it’s going straight to the girl who you sat next to at the staff lunch. Once.
11. The girl who only wants to hear about your life when it’s going badly.
    Things are great! You got a raise! You’re an aunt! You’re getting married! You hear crickets from this girl. Oh gosh. You rear ended someone! You’ve gained ten pounds! You’ve postponed the wedding! This girl’s all over it. Concerned phone calls. Serious private messages. An email or two. This girl wants to know exactly why your life has fallen to shambles, and just how hugely she should relish in it.
12. The girl who posts terrible photos of you.
    Somewhere between jaegerbombs you remember a photo of shoot. Someone took out a camera and you struck a pose, five, ten, possibly twenty times. Your evening was well documented. ONE photo from said evening gets posted on FaceBook. Your eyes are closed, you might be drooling and your skirt is creeping up dangerous territory. That is the photo she chooses to best represent the evening. She violates girl code. She looks great. She’s dead to you.
13. The girl who thinks she’s your best friend.
    You have hung out with this girl a handful of times, never alone. You know some details about her life. For example, the colour of the car she drives. You’ve never met her parents, or her boyfriend. You don’t know if she’s a dog lover or a cat lady. Your weekly conversations consist mostly about weather. And yet, if you mention you might be out of town on her birthday, her lip quivers. If you read her bbm without responding immediately, she PINGS you. She introduces you as “My best friend, _________.” You are thrown off, flattered but mostly afraid.
14. The girl who thinks she’s best friends with your best friend.
    This may be even more infuriating than the latter. This girl approaches you in a bar. You have no idea who she is. She strikes up a conversation with you like you’re twins separated at birth. You’re confused. She reveals that she feels like she knows you because she’s BEST FRIENDS with your best friend. “No you’re not,” you think. Actually, you know. IF this imposter person was actually your best friend’s best friend you would know who she is. And you don’t. This person is a stalker.

DISCLAIMER: If you’re reading this and thinking “she’s talking about me”. I’m not. This is a collaborative collection of characters from not only my own life. And just like how people who are going crazy, don’t think they’re going crazy. These people are completely oblivious, and we love them for it.