The Bachelorette – Episode 4 Recap: Bermuda, Bahama, Baby Momma loves the Drama

It may be hard to tell, but I kinda, sorta look forward to Bachy nights. It may also be hard to tell that I am being sarcastic in about 80 per cent of what I write on this blog…

It’d be pretty hard NOT to get excited sitting around with a pack of best friends, discussing the weekly goings on of our favourite show, wine close at hand.

But, last night life got in the way of our little Bachy Party and we were down to two. Luckily, in place of the usual witty banter (that seriously helps me write these posts) was an extra hilarious Meghan. Folks, she was on fire. So I can only in small part take credit for this week’s post; she slayed me.

Doug-the-Dad secured the first one on one with Emily, but it was clear from the get-go that he was ultra-nervous. Understandable though, I mean come on. He is practically Danny Tanner. Probably doesn’t get out much.

I feel as cute as some of these guys seem, Em has a real group of wieners on her hands. By the time she came to pick up Doug for her date there was practically a playground brawl about to go down. Luckily, Doug-the-Dad probably would have responsibly ended it and placed the men in different corners for an adequate amount of time out.

Their date was so boring this is the only picture I could find from it. :|

Emily called Doug out hard on the date for being to “perfect” (to each his own) … But, she sort of had a point. It was like Doug was going for a job interview and saying his worst flaw was that he was a perfectionist. But then again, maybe he and Emily really ARE meant for each other because she admitted one of her biggest flaws is that she – wait for it – doesn’t. work. out.

Sure doesn’t look like you work out, Em.

COME ON EMILY. You are fooling no one. You’re one of the tiniest girls to ever grace the show (and that’s saying something). Either, yes, you do have a personal trainer who grills you each day while Ricki is at school, you don’t eat – at all, or you’re not of the human race. Oh, one more option – you’re a LIAR.

Doug also proved his weeny-ness by securing next to NO points on the date (in our #bachypool). I think he might have gotten a pity two chalked up, because they held hands.

“I move slow” – Doug … “I could KILL him.” – Meghan, on one of her only remaining picks.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date is revealed – leaving Michael (pony boy), John (middle name, WOLF), Nate (have you been on this show?) and Alejandro (at least you were better than Alessandro).

How is this half pony still on the show?

To me, it’s shocking that ANY of these men are still around to see another day. I was half expecting Chris Harrison to army crawl out of the bushes and send them all away in their own private dinghies. Which reminds me, we haven’t had a dinghy send off yet… sigh. My absolute FAVE.

The boys that DID get to go on the group date were divided into two teams for a sailboat race that would determine who got to spend the evening with Emily. Now, truthfully this is my kind of event. Not the sailing part, (YA RIGHT, I’d be doggy paddling for dear life in two seconds), but the competition part. Emily says “I don’t like seeing men compete” as the race starts… shocking, seeing as though you are THE BACHELORETTE. I, on the other hand, have no problem with seeing brute force and naval talent be the deciding factor on who I’d spend my time with.

Appropriate boat name.

Despite some initial struggles, and lots of chirping, the yellow team (Ryan, Arie, Kalon and Jef-with-one-f) pulled out a win at the last second, beating the red team (Sean, Travis, Charlie and Chris-with-one-s).

Despite Ryan being the only real muscle on team yellow, he seemed pretty useless during the race. While Jef-with-one-F stepped up to the plate, hipster shorts and all. Slight advantage that Arie drives cars and Kalon flies planes? It’s all the same, right?

Ryan did manage to douse everyone with champagne after to celebrate the victory though. Way to go, booze cruise it is.

Let’s get f*!&#d up!

Meanwhile, the red team looked like they had just lost the Stanley Cup on the van ride home. Charlie may have been CRYING. Unclear. We are hoping he was just stifling laughter, or a yawn. #weallknowyoucried

Emily set the stage for some steamy beach make-outs at the evening portion of the date, but only Arie cashed in. OBVIOUSLY. They are dating. It’s official. If he doesn’t win, I will never watch Bachelor again.

I have that blanket. Make me the Bachelorette.

Ok, WAY too far. I’m sorry. I blacked out.

Despite hair, that rivaled Ben Flajnik`s (impossible) while swaying in the wind, Jef-with-one-F managed to secure the group date rose. Not before Ryan made every woman internally cringe with more comments about Emily keeping her body in check after marriage. Maybe after the show Ryan should track down Mary Kate Olsen and live happily ever after.

Can’t top this

But, if we were cringing at Ryan’s macho mumbo jumbo, we were hiding under the coffee table for the two and one date that featured John Wolf and Nearly-there-Nate wandering the Bermuda Triangle. Talk about painfully awkward. May have been more awkward than the time Casey revealed he’d gotten a wrist tattoo for Allie and then she left him on a glacier. Maybe.

“We’ve never had more fun….. Any of us.”

Nate really sealed the deal for himself by a) wearing two different pink shirts of the same shade on the same date, b) pronouncing quinoa “kin-oh-ah” and c) crying. Despite being a self-proclaimed “emotional person”, Emily sure gets rid of the cry-babies quick. I would too. Props home girl.

And with that, no one ever heard from Nate again…………………………………………. See: Bermuda Triangle on Wikipedia for further explanation.

Bye Nate.

The rose ceremony proved to be the highlight of the show for one reason and one reason only: JEF’S SOCKS.

WOW.

Like, I know you’re trying to be trendy dude, but you just took hipster to a whole new and completely ridiculous level. You already look like you’re still in high school, the little boy blue look really isn’t screaming “I’m ready to be a DAD.” Get it together.

Jef.

Lyin’-Ryan really showed his true colours when he started talking about how he wants to BE the Bachelor. I mean, come on, that would obviously also be my ulterior motive if I were to go on the show, but you don’t SAY that on TELEVISION. Now you have no chance (and neither do I). I think you’ll do REAL well on the Bachelor Pad though, Ry. See ya there next year.

Chris was negative points by the end of the show in our pool for getting up in Doug-the-Dad’s grill. Gerard (Chris) was obviously drunk and being an idiot but I don’t like Doug-the-Dad. He was also speaking as though he was Socrates for most of the show. Clearly people who are 25 aren’t ready to be fathers, just look at EVERY generation before our own.

In a shocking twist, we heard Michael speak. Unfortunately it was to say “thanks Emily” as he was sent packing. Crazy outcome. No, what was ACTUALLY crazy was she sent Charlie home. MY FAVE! Furthermore she sent Charlie home over ALEJANDRO the mushroom farmer. Em, girl, I question you.

How could you get rid of this (titanium) face!?

And with that, another episode of Bachy laid to rest. Hopefully, somewhere, somehow Ryan’s hair products, Jef’s socks and Kalon’s glasses also met their maker.

Until next week,

- Charlie’s soon to be gf.

BACHY POOL RESULTS*

Kelly (cry-baby) Michael: 14 points
Meghan (barely-hanging on) Brown: 19 points
Kate (another one bites the dust) Lalumiere: 35 points
Catherine (I wish there was real money involved) Kitts: 48 points

#boom.

*Numbers were slightly tampered with do to a miscalculation one week. No names being given as at fault (Meghan).

Posted in Newsworthy | Tagged , The Bachelorette Bermuda, The Bachelorette Charlie goes home, The Bachelorette Chris and Doug, The Bachelorette Doug and Emily one on one, The Bachelorette Emily and Arie kiss, The Bachelorette Emily and Jef, , The Bachelorette Jef`s socks, The Bachelorette Michael goes home, The Bachelorette quinoa, , The Bachelorette Ryan scumbag, The Bachelorette sailboat group date, the Bachelorette two on one Nate and John, The Bacherlorette Bermuda triangle | Leave a reply

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 3 – LET THERE BE BACH

It’s official guys … the Bach Gods have turned against me.

Is it my weekly judgement? My sarcastic tone? My critical eye? Or just my hatred for analogies? Whatever reason we have yet to have a successful #BachyParty this season. A neighbouring house was in flames for one, I was inebriated for another and then on my BIRTHDAY Bachy … the cable and internet went down.

Birthday ruined. We are having zero fun here.

I will probably get struck by lightening at the next one, but I don’t CARE. The critiscm will CONTINUE….

But, instead of my regular crew of hilarious females by my side, I watched this episode On Demand, with my 71-year-old father. He loved it.

“What did you just say?”

The episode started off with a bang by Chris getting the one on one and proving he’s really more cut out to BE The Bachelor than just a contestant. Why you ask? Because he said “Love is like climbing a building…” No, Chris. Love is not like that. At all. Who even climbs buildings!?

Although the poor man’s Gerard Butler (did they select the entire cast based on “Look-Alike” auditions, SERIOUSLY!? ) was pretty charming on the date, he was OBSESSED with wanting to kiss her. After throwing out a few high fives he finally sealed the deal… just in front of a few couple hundred people… watching from a few feet away… no pressure.

Twins.

Their date also proved that the ONLY thing to do in Charlotte, North Carolina is to go to an outdoor country concert and dance in a parking lot. That’s two weeks in a row, come on. I feel as though this season will have more spoilers than ever before because Charlotte residents have nothing better to do than to stalk Emily Maynard. Don’t really blame them one bit.

Nice V.

The group date started out with Ryan having a huge advantage. They were playing football for God sakes. He also proved that the only shirt he owns is a black v-neck. He wore it again later, in the SAME episode, to the rose ceremony. That time, he spiced it up with a blazer. So classy.

But the football was soon cast aside so that Em’s besties could grill the boys in one on one interviews. There is no way that if Emily wasn’t a bombshell any of the guys would be staying on the show at this point. First cookies, then this. I’m surprised they’re not all saying “This is my nightmare” and running for their freaking lives.

I wish I could invite Em’s pal Wendy to a Bachy Party. She seems like a GEM and was hating almost everyone. Except Sean, who proved he is an absolute dream boat – as long as he keeps the “I have my faith” thing in check. She also told Travis to get rid of the egg, which had me thinking of our male correspondent @Bakkesy. “FINALLY. Somebody says it.”

My homegirl, Wendy.

Emily then unleashed about 30 screaming kids on the boys and tested their Dad-like qualities.

Cue running kids. Cue running guys.

Again, the front of the Charlotte newspaper should probably be “group of men runs down street like Spain’s running of the bulls.”

Doug, Sean and Ryan did really well with the gf’s until Ryan admitted in front of all of them that he would be upset if Emily got fat after they got married. Proving again he is EXACTLY like the kind of guys I go for. Put me on the show. Then end my life.

Keep it together, Michael Scott!

At the evening portion of the group date Tony REALLY couldn’t keep it together. He was weeping all over the place. By the end of the episode, he not only managed to send himself home to cry even more, but he was down -15 in our pool. Poor Kelly. Draft wisely, cry babies not included.

Arie managed to get the second one on one date and off they went to Dollywood. Emily proved she looks EXACTLY how I do on roller coaster: like it’s the worst moment of your entire life.

“I do”

Her day was saved, though, when Dolly Parton made a surprise appearance. I’m surprised she didn’t give the rose to her.

Despite being fairly cute, I got a bit of a wiener vibe from Arie on this episode. Good thing being a RACECAR driver instantly makes you a stud. He also killed the Q & A over dinner and landed a sweet make-out out on a MERRY-GO-ROUND.

Somebody kiss ME on a Merry-Go-Round!

For future men in my life (or Ryan, when Emily sends you packing), that was probably my ideal date. Minus Dolly Parton and sub in Justin Timberlake. Except then I would ultimately leave you for him and sail off into the sunset on his sexy back.

A girl can dream.

I hate you.

At the rose ceremony Kalon learned NOTHING from Aaron and sported some hipster glasses. He also told Emily not to interrupt him. In my notes I have: KALON SUCKS. My Dad thought he was FOR SURE going to be the one sent home … Yes, Dad.

Travis finally let Emily smash the egg, also known as Shelley. It is a true miracle that you’re still around, bud, seriously. Mind. Blown.

“Did you enjoy the moment where they killed a bird?” – Kaylee

My fave part of the episode was when Charlie poked his head out to say “Shelleyyyyyy” after it smashed. God I love him. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

Allessandro meet….

And holy hannah, I did not realize how spanish Spanish Keith Urban was. Or how much of an idiot he is. After he offended Emily SO badly and immediately was asked to pack his bags he referred to himself as a “King Gypsy.” Please tell me that everyone stayed to watch AFTER the “scenes from next week” when they showed a clip of Allessandro talking to Wendy and admitting he dated his COUSIN.

Keith.

“She was like a third cousin.” No words…

Arie and Emily shared another steamy smooch (points skyrocketing) and looked like they were bf / gf. First overall draft pick for a reason.

When it was time to send someone home it got down to Stevie and ….. Nate? Like dude, I didn’t even know you were on the show.

“Who is that? I don’t even know his name? Kyle?” – Me, out loud, to my father.

HAVE you been on the show?

But in the end, I guess the PARTY EMCEE might not be the ideal candidate for FULL-TIME DAD. See ya later, Stevie.

Next week looks like it’ll be a treat….. just hope I’m allowed to watch it this time. Starting my Hail Mary’s right. now.

Bach Pool Results:

Meghan (with two people left, one of which is Michael aka pony boy): 21 points
Kelly (Arie got 27 points alone, but Tony knocked her down -15, aha!):  34 points
Kate (making a run for it): 47 points
Catherine (a triumphant): 53 points

I live for this show.