The Bachelorette Recap – Episode 9: Wow, wow, wowwwwww in Curaçao

Hi Bachy fans!

It’s been too long. I have to start off this post by saying what an incredible job Meghan did covering for me last week. Not only was her wit on point (it ALWAYS is) but it freed up the two to three hours I usually spend toiling away at these for you, so I could spend some needed time with my fam.

Fo real, they take fo ever.

“I don’t know how she does it every week.” – Meghan on bleeding over Bachy Recaps.

But the answer there is simple: I am as OBSESSED as you are. Maybe more? No, let’s go with equal fanatics.

So naturally, I was all but cartwheeling around the house waiting for this week’s episode to start.

And. start. it. did.

Opening with small summaries about each of the relationships Emily currently has with her various suitors, it painted three very different pictures.

Arie, Sean, Jef.
Hot, Hotter, Hottest. You decide which goes where.

That Sean is perfect and how she feels about him is perfect and that their life together would be, well, perfect.

Then Emily talked about Jef-with-one-f (where was the mid-season confession “Ok, ok … it’s TWO f’s!” … sigh) and how she thinks he’s “super cool”.

OK, interjection:
I’m writing this – which means I’m allowed to biased. I KNOW Jef is adorbs. I LOVED his quote from two weeks ago (- still on the hunt for a man who would say that to me.) And he IS down to earth, charming, cute, etc. But is it REALLY just me that feels like they’re relationship is sooooo high school? “I like you.” “I like you too.” Smooch. I feel like Jef-with-one-F makes her feel young and Emily makes Jef-with-one-f feel like he’s well, he’s about to round home base with the top cheerleader.

Haters gon’ hate …. but that’s how I feel.

Then there was Arie, or should I say Mr. Maynard. Their recap looked much like the one they play at the END of the show after the proposal is all said and done. It could have also been a montage of them kissing in various locations.

Emily definitely was confused by the end of the recaps as she wrote: Emily + ? in the sand, (not cheesy at all. wow.) to which the question mark was quickly washed away with the tide. And by tide I mean Chris Harrison standing off camera with a large pail of water. Come on.

This was too much.

But as the one-on-one dates kicked off only ONE thing was clear: I WANT TO GO ON A DATE IN CURACAO FUNDED BY THE BACHELOR.

Holyyyyy hannah. If the men weren’t pretty perfect in themselves, the dates were out of this world.

Awkwaaaaaaaaaaard.

Just a casual jaunt to a private island for Sean & Emily … no big deal. It DID, however, remind us all a litttttle too much of when Emily and Brad had their almost-to-last date on a private island. And Sean & Brad could definitely be related in some brawny-hunk kind of way. Maybe Sean is doomed after all.

At dinner, Emily was looking for Sean to drop the l-bomb. I mean, fair. At this point people have been saying it for WEEKS. After all Sean, you guys HAVE known each other for like two months at this point… WHAT’RE YOU WAITING FOR!?!?!

“I really feeling like I lo…. ve it here.” “I look at you and I’m just like wow I’m in love-ly Curacao with a beautiful woman.” Spit it out Sean.

The handsome devil did manage to utter the words and to top it off he wrote the most ADORABLE letter to Ricki as a pre-emptive measure before they meet. WOW SEAN. Like, get more perfect. Seriously.

Sex ed lesson # 1

As I predicted Emily was going to be all “responsible mommy” about the fantasy suites like she was on Brad’s season. Woiuldn’t want to give Ricki the wrong idea … you know, “don’t go all the way just get half naked and make out with multiple boys in bikinis honey, that’s okay.”

But she did spend some quality extra time with Sean after they “for-goed their individual rooms” – (God Chris Harrison, you freaking stud) – and by the end of the night there was only one thing on my mind. “He’s NOT going home” …. dun dun dunnnnn.

How everyone wants their fantasy date night to end.

And then came Jef-with-one-f’s date. Previews showed him asking Emily some tough questions ilke “you’re a great girl, that attracts great men. Why hasn’t it worked out!?” eeeesh. I think if someone said that to me I would just silently blink at them for a few minutes until they asked me how my entree was instead.

Producers off screen: “Don’t. touch. THAT.”

But, their date was nothing short of absolute perfection. Jumping off boats, canoodling, the world’s most incredible fantasy suite. I may not be on team Emily & Jef but I would have gladly third-wheeled that date any day.

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

I feel like if I pooled all my life savings, I may be able to afford the bathtub in Emily & Jef’s fantasy suite. #bachelorette

Hi guys :)

Same deal went for Em & Jef’s brief fantasy suite CHAT … somewhere the producers are slamming their fists into walls and the camera men are rioting because they’re usually off work by now.

All we do is kiss, kiss, kiss, no matta WHAT. Got roses on my mind, I can never get enough.

Arie and Emily’s date consisted of a whole lottaaaaaaaa …. making out. Like, an excessive amount. Like, I’m not sure if they actually know each other’s eye colour. They did take a brief break from smooching to… SWIM WITH DOLPHINS. Because that’s normal. I’m convinced the dolphin in question was either a) a robot. Think friendly jaws… b) specially trained in a bachelor-run zoo, I mean there seems to be lots of animal encounters in these programs … c) Chris Harrison in a dolphin suit. Too far?

But, even Emily picked up on Mr. Grabby hands and said “she didn’t trust herself enough with Arie” to even ENTERTAIN the idea of chilling in the fantasy suite. She also proceeded to cry uncontrollably.

“Do you think Arie goes home and that’s why Emily was acting like it was the apocalypse when she chose not to sleep with him in the fantasy suite?” Shannon on being slutty and a crybaby.

Stop it, Mom. Just stop.

Going into the rose ceremony we were all a little distracted by Emily’s attire. Not only was she rocking her DREADED fake ponytail ( – you have people HELPING you to get ready, how does this fall through the cracks… TWICE), but she seemed to also be prepared for an underwater wedding, rocking a MAD mermaid skirt. Like, she might as well have dyed her hair red, named herself Ariel and called it a day.

Dana Weiss ‏@Possessionista

Red Lobster. RT @TheOverAnalyst @Possessionista where is that skirt from?

Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

I wanna be, where the boys are, I wanna see, wanna see em’ squirming. Walking around wanting… what do you call it? oh. a rose. (stop me before I do the whole song)

Em also was having trouble keeping it together while speaking to Chris. Maybe because they are an ITEM!? Jokes. That rumour was debunked rather quickly … what a shame.

struggling. and not just because of the pHony tail.

But, in ALL serious (I can be, sometimes, you know) … I get her. I would feel TERRIBLE telling someone I’ve spent the last 8 weeks assuring that I really like them and I could picture them being my HUSBAND that actualllyyyyy it’s not going to work out. Like ever again.

Ouch. Guilt complex.

So, as she watched slightly corny testimonials of the guys saying their last plea, she started getting emotional during Jef’s which I thought meant FOR SURE that he was going home. I was even questioning Arie a bit because of her fantasy suite snub, but I thought Sean was safe fa sho. I mean, would she not be insane to let this hottie go?

Then came the roses with the first one going to JEF.
WHAT. PARDON. Ok, now my blood pressure is rising, wtf is going on here. ARIE or SEAN .. could this be!? I was floored, and when she called out Arie’s name solidifying that Sean was going home denial, disbelief and practically delusion set in.

BLINDSIDED. CRAY.

May be more blindsided than I was. Debatable though.

I guess it’s all true. You can be TOO perfect and nice guys DO finish last. Orrrrrrrr, Sean was a real wiener and the Bachy producers did a good job of covering it up. Whatever the case, I’d be shocked if Sean hasn’t already signed his contract to become the next Bachelor. Looks like I’m applying after all.

And so we wait with bated breath for the season finale. Teasers make it look like she doesn’t even get proposed to. HOW. IS. IT. TWO. WEEKS. AWAY.

Can’t wait to see the claws fly at next week’s “The Boys Tell All.”  … It IS my mother’s birthday that day but …. family < Bachy. Just kidding mom.

May the best man WIN.

* We stopped tallying Bachy scores because a) it’s gotten too intense b) I was so far in the lead no one had a chance. All hail the Queen.

If you did a Bachelor pool with your friends we’d love to hear about it! Send us things you added, took away, or things you’d like to see in the future! Our Bachy Parties aren’t going ANYWHERE.

Posted in Newsworthy | Tagged , , the Bachelorette Arie and Emily in Curacao, the bachelorette chris harrison and emily maynard rumour, the bachelorette emily and arie make out, , the bachelorette emily maynard finale, the bachelorette emily maynard proposal, the bachelorette emily mermaid skirt, The bachelorette fantasy suites, The Bachelorette final 3, the bachelorette final two, The Bachelorette in Curacao, the Bachelorette Jef and Emily, the Bachelorette Jef and Emily Curacao date, The Bachelorette Sean and Emily, The Bachelorette Sean and Emily Curacao date, the bachelorette sean goes home, the bachelorette sean next bachelor, the bachelorette sean's letter, the bachelorette the boys tell all | Leave a reply

The Bachelorette Recap – Episode 7: Puckering up and dumping duds in Prague

You know those special moments in your life where time seems to go by in a flash? An awesome vacation … a summer of love … your university years … a nephew / nieces first birthday …. orrrrrrrrrr a particularly juicy season of The Bachelorette!?!

I mean, come on, we’re already awaiting hometown dates … WHEN did we lose so many boys!? Sigh, it’s all coming to an end.

But, with the end of one thing comes a new beginning … so don’t worry Bachy fans, Bachelor Pad is right around the corner.

Plus these last three episodes of The Bachelorette look sure not to disappoint, if they were anything like last night’s episode anyway…

So, is it just us or is Sean getting hotter and hotter in every episode? Like we could practically not keep the drool from falling out of our mouths. Okay, that was gross. Apologies. But seriously, in the first five minutes I think we’d all muttered “God, he’s beautiful” or some saucier variation about twenty times.

Drool. Puddle.

But, it was Arie who ran away with the first one on one date. Now, this was destined to be a huge moment. THE moment that our spoiler-correspondent Julia Kent had been waiting for since day one. Emily confronts the fact that the race car stud dated not only one of the show’s producers, but the one Emily deals most closely with. But, as Chris Harrison introduced the whole scenario it was less juicy and more … pathetic.

For both Emily and the solid CREDIBILITY that The Bachlor/ette organization has, as a whole.

ARE you feeling alright?

Apparently these two dated like ten years ago which led the Twitterverse to jump on Emily for making it into a big deal. “Maybe Emily should tell Arie that her teeth are fake now? #fulldisclosure” or “Arie should probably tell Emily about that speeding ticket he got one time. #comingclean.” But as blondie started grilling her man about trust and loyalty it quickly became hilarious because Arie was completely aloof. He did look ill, however, but who wouldn’t be when their sort-of gf goes a little cray cray.

Meghan Brown ‏@megb723

Is Arie really hungover? Does he have jaundice? Why is he so yellow? #confused #worried #bachelorette

Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

In the end, Chris Harrison informed us that they resolved their issue “off-camera”. HEL-LO is that even allowed. What’s the point of reality TV if you don’t see the juiciest part!? Unfair. To sum it up, Arie and Emily will continue to live happily ever after, since they were practically engaged after episode two.

Engagement photo.

Bachelorette Live ‏@BachelorTV

“Brief romantic relationship” in my world translates into a dirty one night stand. Will we ever learn the truth? #Bachelorette

Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

Now, I know I mentioned it last week, but our little pool twist that sees any given guy’s points get RESET if they say I love you before the hometown dates has gotten out of hand. Guys are saying it right left and centre. GET A GRIP. Cue Arie dropping the l-bomb and poor Kelly being in the minus’ by the end of the night. It just doesn’t get better than that.

WHAT are you wearing? And what the HECK is a data destruction specialist!?

John Wolf got the second one on one date, but chose to dress like a senior citizen for it. Seriously, could Chris Harrison not summersault from behind a street corner and tackle him to save his love life and our eyes? Wolf-man, you have no chance.

Despite the fact that he’s been a pretty boring contestant that has probably only barely managed to sneak by in the rose ceremonies .. he divulged a little more into his background in this episode. Just small things, like his favourite colour, names of his siblings and that he was dating a potential FUGITIVE. He told the sad story about how he got brutally cheated on by his last ex. When she stopped calling him he said “I checked hospitals, I checked prisons…” I’m sorry, if I went missing I think the LAST place someone would look is a PRISON. WHAT KIND OF GIRL WERE YOU DATING JOHN WOLF. Again, you have no chance.

“What the heck is data destruction specialist? Like what IS that.” – Amanda on John Wolf’s made up job #bachelorette

After John returned from his date, Sean decided to completely lose his mind. In a desperate attempt to spend some quality time with Emily he ran through the streets of Prague wildly yelling her name. This may have put him on the far side of “Completely Cray” on the richter scale, but he made up for it with a STEAMY make out sesh that Em didn’t seem to mind AT ALL. Christian boy has a little devil in him it seems. I like it.

So steamy, the picture is blurry.

Next came the group date, featuring Chris, the most unhappy boy on the planet.

Chris…

For all the smack this guy talked about being a mature 25-year-old he is definitely acting like the most immature person on this show, Ricki included. Feeling slighted to be stuck with another group date with Sean and Doug, the man-child moped the entire time.

…or Chris…

Lucky for him, Doug-the-Dad provided a nice distraction by continuing to be the most awkward human on the planet. Doug, you have a child. That means you must have gotten with a girl at least once in your life, get it together. Clearly we weren’t the only ones that couldn’t take his cringe-worthy behaviour any longer. Before the date was even done Emily brought Doug to the courtyard for what was

… Or Chris.
(via @AshleySpivey)

a clear send-off speech. But, clueless Doug didn’t’ get the memo and mid-speech leaned in and gave her a peck on the lips. Holy hannah. I think you could hear our collective grown three blocks over. Still does not top Jamie mounting Ben in last season’s Bachelor, but really nothing could. That was worse than a horror movie.

And with that Doug went back to being a Dad. But, not before he wept UNCONTROLLABLY in the limo. Minus one thousand points for just being the worst.

@AshleySpivey I heard Doug is deciding if he will join Twitter or not. A decision is expected by 2018.

Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

My spine is tingling re-living this.

And to piss as many people off as possible on this date, Emily twisted the knot already in Chris’ panties by giving Sean the rose on the group date. To which Chris pouted for the rest of the program.

Next date I go on, puppet show. Hands down.

But, while Chris may be and act the youngest, I have not yet been on team Jef because he LOOKS the youngest. Can someone cast him in a role as a teenage heartthrob already? But, this episode changed my mind for 3 reasons: 1) He had MAD puppeteer skills. Like unreal. Like, he should change his name to Gepetto-with-one-p … 2) He ran back to get Ricki a puppet, adorbs. 3) He said the BEST line in Bachelor/ette history ………… wait for it ………….

 “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*!k out of you.”

Hilarious. Sexy. Sweet. Pretty much my only three requirements for a suitor. Well done Jef.

Looks a hundred times better in this picture than it did on the show. Dammit.

Em decided to go without a cocktail party at the rose ceremony. She also decided to get dressed with her eyes closed. I was starting to believe that this Barbie could look good in anything…. wrong. A metallic blue sequinned dress that hung on her hips like a garbage bag was certainly not her best outfit. But, the guys didn’t seem to care as they stood awaiting roses. Foam coming from some of their mouths, I’m pretty sure.

So as Jef-with-one-f and Arie managed to steal the first two, you could see Chris’ blood boiling. So, in true cry-baby fashion, he blurted out that he needed to speak with Emily before she gave out the last rose. COMPLETELY screwing over John Wolf. If I was him I would have been PISSED. Chris’ final plea worked because Wolf-man was sent home.

Hate you.

I mean, he did have no chance to be at the end, but I feel as though his normal behaviour merited a rose more than Chris’ tantrums. In any event, Wolfy took the high road and had a classy exit. We salute you.

Previews for next week show Emily sobbing uncontrollably while trying to decide who to send home. At this point, she seems like she’s actually in love with all of them. Except Chris. He sucks.

… But not as much as this guy.

What to do, Em, what to do! Time will tell. My money’s still on Arie, for the record.

Bachelor Pool Results*

*it’s not even fair anymore. Almost everyone have had someone say “I love you” except me. Also, Sean is a make out-wh*re.

Kelly (you have less of a chance than Doug) Michael: MINUS 10 points (bahahaha)
Meghan (still hanging on by a thread) Brown: 25 points
Kate (has missed the last 3 Bachy Parties) Lalumiere: 49 points
Catherine (still on top) Kitts: 127 points

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 3 – LET THERE BE BACH

It’s official guys … the Bach Gods have turned against me.

Is it my weekly judgement? My sarcastic tone? My critical eye? Or just my hatred for analogies? Whatever reason we have yet to have a successful #BachyParty this season. A neighbouring house was in flames for one, I was inebriated for another and then on my BIRTHDAY Bachy … the cable and internet went down.

Birthday ruined. We are having zero fun here.

I will probably get struck by lightening at the next one, but I don’t CARE. The critiscm will CONTINUE….

But, instead of my regular crew of hilarious females by my side, I watched this episode On Demand, with my 71-year-old father. He loved it.

“What did you just say?”

The episode started off with a bang by Chris getting the one on one and proving he’s really more cut out to BE The Bachelor than just a contestant. Why you ask? Because he said “Love is like climbing a building…” No, Chris. Love is not like that. At all. Who even climbs buildings!?

Although the poor man’s Gerard Butler (did they select the entire cast based on “Look-Alike” auditions, SERIOUSLY!? ) was pretty charming on the date, he was OBSESSED with wanting to kiss her. After throwing out a few high fives he finally sealed the deal… just in front of a few couple hundred people… watching from a few feet away… no pressure.

Twins.

Their date also proved that the ONLY thing to do in Charlotte, North Carolina is to go to an outdoor country concert and dance in a parking lot. That’s two weeks in a row, come on. I feel as though this season will have more spoilers than ever before because Charlotte residents have nothing better to do than to stalk Emily Maynard. Don’t really blame them one bit.

Nice V.

The group date started out with Ryan having a huge advantage. They were playing football for God sakes. He also proved that the only shirt he owns is a black v-neck. He wore it again later, in the SAME episode, to the rose ceremony. That time, he spiced it up with a blazer. So classy.

But the football was soon cast aside so that Em’s besties could grill the boys in one on one interviews. There is no way that if Emily wasn’t a bombshell any of the guys would be staying on the show at this point. First cookies, then this. I’m surprised they’re not all saying “This is my nightmare” and running for their freaking lives.

I wish I could invite Em’s pal Wendy to a Bachy Party. She seems like a GEM and was hating almost everyone. Except Sean, who proved he is an absolute dream boat – as long as he keeps the “I have my faith” thing in check. She also told Travis to get rid of the egg, which had me thinking of our male correspondent @Bakkesy. “FINALLY. Somebody says it.”

My homegirl, Wendy.

Emily then unleashed about 30 screaming kids on the boys and tested their Dad-like qualities.

Cue running kids. Cue running guys.

Again, the front of the Charlotte newspaper should probably be “group of men runs down street like Spain’s running of the bulls.”

Doug, Sean and Ryan did really well with the gf’s until Ryan admitted in front of all of them that he would be upset if Emily got fat after they got married. Proving again he is EXACTLY like the kind of guys I go for. Put me on the show. Then end my life.

Keep it together, Michael Scott!

At the evening portion of the group date Tony REALLY couldn’t keep it together. He was weeping all over the place. By the end of the episode, he not only managed to send himself home to cry even more, but he was down -15 in our pool. Poor Kelly. Draft wisely, cry babies not included.

Arie managed to get the second one on one date and off they went to Dollywood. Emily proved she looks EXACTLY how I do on roller coaster: like it’s the worst moment of your entire life.

“I do”

Her day was saved, though, when Dolly Parton made a surprise appearance. I’m surprised she didn’t give the rose to her.

Despite being fairly cute, I got a bit of a wiener vibe from Arie on this episode. Good thing being a RACECAR driver instantly makes you a stud. He also killed the Q & A over dinner and landed a sweet make-out out on a MERRY-GO-ROUND.

Somebody kiss ME on a Merry-Go-Round!

For future men in my life (or Ryan, when Emily sends you packing), that was probably my ideal date. Minus Dolly Parton and sub in Justin Timberlake. Except then I would ultimately leave you for him and sail off into the sunset on his sexy back.

A girl can dream.

I hate you.

At the rose ceremony Kalon learned NOTHING from Aaron and sported some hipster glasses. He also told Emily not to interrupt him. In my notes I have: KALON SUCKS. My Dad thought he was FOR SURE going to be the one sent home … Yes, Dad.

Travis finally let Emily smash the egg, also known as Shelley. It is a true miracle that you’re still around, bud, seriously. Mind. Blown.

“Did you enjoy the moment where they killed a bird?” – Kaylee

My fave part of the episode was when Charlie poked his head out to say “Shelleyyyyyy” after it smashed. God I love him. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

Allessandro meet….

And holy hannah, I did not realize how spanish Spanish Keith Urban was. Or how much of an idiot he is. After he offended Emily SO badly and immediately was asked to pack his bags he referred to himself as a “King Gypsy.” Please tell me that everyone stayed to watch AFTER the “scenes from next week” when they showed a clip of Allessandro talking to Wendy and admitting he dated his COUSIN.

Keith.

“She was like a third cousin.” No words…

Arie and Emily shared another steamy smooch (points skyrocketing) and looked like they were bf / gf. First overall draft pick for a reason.

When it was time to send someone home it got down to Stevie and ….. Nate? Like dude, I didn’t even know you were on the show.

“Who is that? I don’t even know his name? Kyle?” – Me, out loud, to my father.

HAVE you been on the show?

But in the end, I guess the PARTY EMCEE might not be the ideal candidate for FULL-TIME DAD. See ya later, Stevie.

Next week looks like it’ll be a treat….. just hope I’m allowed to watch it this time. Starting my Hail Mary’s right. now.

Bach Pool Results:

Meghan (with two people left, one of which is Michael aka pony boy): 21 points
Kelly (Arie got 27 points alone, but Tony knocked her down -15, aha!):  34 points
Kate (making a run for it): 47 points
Catherine (a triumphant): 53 points

I live for this show.