Scoff at my obsession with television’s most ridiculous dating show all you want but my Monday blues were instantly melted when last night’s hilarious episode of The Bachelor aired and my even more hilarious best friends had me throwing my head back every 2.5 seconds.
If you think these recaps or the live tweets (@inanutshellca) are funny, they are only a tiny GLIMPSE at the pure hilarity that ensues at one of our #BacheyParties. Who knew Monday’s would turn into my favourite day of the week.
Now on to Ben blunders, Whoretney and one-too-many awkward moments, shall we?
The episode started off on a really high note for us. Mainly because Kacie B’s one on one date was island themed which meant that A) Ben’s hair was an all time atrocious high … B) analogies about surving anything were abundant … and C) WE were able to make references to Lord of the Flies, a group favourite. We only wished that Ben would learn from Piggy and only speak when he had the conch. That and we thought Castaway’s Wilson would have made for just as interesting of company as Kacie B.
In all fairness, our craydar was running low on last night’s episode from the girl who initially made a heart with her hand (bad books from day one). They seem genuinely pretty smitten with each other and she’s not laying it all out there (literally) like Courtney. #ClassInsteadofAss … two thumbs up B.
Meanwhile back at the house (note that every week when I write this I’m saying it in a British accent, sifting my brandy and wearing a housecoat) … the dreaded two on one date was revealed, with Rachel and Blakely going head to head.
Blakely had a bizarre euphoric reaction to this news, which leads me to believe she was probably more stoked that she FINALLY got some intimate time ….. with another girl.
The group date proved to be a riot, although slightly less eventful than last weeks baseball duel of death.
Not only did the Panama setting provide for endless shots of little boys running around in loin cloths (score!), but Ben, who is incidentally encroaching on Elaine Benes as the worst dancer of all time, also sported one. We would have covered our eyes if we weren’t already accustomed to nudity, as Courtney flaunted her boobies around by refusing to wear a bathing suit under her traditional attire. She wasn’t the only one though:
“Jamie has some tata’s on her! We haven’t seen them. She hasn’t been on the show” – Meghan, on Jamie the friendly ghost.
Aside from the aggressive side boob that ABC was all over, black boxing her box out of sight, Courtney, or as we now like to refer to her as, Whoretney, was just plain awful as always. When Ben asked to speak to her privately. Like he does with ALL THE WOMEN. She said, “I’m being stolen. Call the police!” The only reason Courtney would need the police is to remove the daggers that everyone was shooting her from across the room.
She then proceeded to ruin Jamie’s 15 seconds of fame (probably for the best, more to come on THAT) by splashing around in her bikini, completely distracting Little Boy Ben.
However, in the end Cray-Court was not victorious. Emily had the best line of the night, Lindzi scored the group date rose and Ursula was left to cackle alone in her chambers when Ben didn’t take her up on a late night visit. #deserved #yourecray #cryCourtneycry
When it was revealed that the two on one date entailed salsa dancing we knew it would be right up “VIP Cocktail Waitress” Blakely’s ally.
And by ally, I mean pole. Poor Rachel didn’t really stand a chance, especially when the INSTRUCTOR told her she was doing it wrong. Ouch. But, Blakely’s non-lying hips weren’t enough to distract Ben from her less than charming personality … or maybe her teeth. Her last ditch attempt to win his heart by making him a SCRAPBOOK circa grade seven ass-out hug, was however one of the most hilarious parts of the night, I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves:
@inanutshellca As of now, if anyone makes a scrapbook your points are reset. #BachPool
@missginnyhelen No she didn’t…. #putitawayblakley
@megb723 She is so busy! Making scrapbooks, doing foils. #Blakely
Needless to say, she was sent home before the glue had tried on her craft.
I’m sorry if some people thought Kacie B’s curls were cute last week, but just before Chris Harrison pulled other Casey away, Kacie’s ‘do now looked more Neil Diamond, less Lionel Richie. Figure it out sista.
At this point we had seen Casey S.’s pitiful sob played on a loop before every commercial break and it was warring on our souls. So we knew when Chris B. H. showed up, it was going DOWN.
I may have sympathized with her the tiniest bit, for having a jerk semi-ex bf back home who was foiling her life dreams. But, she really made it hard to feel bad for her with the most confusing goodbye speech of all time and self admitting that she should be in therapy. Step 1. Godspeed.
Our male correspondent @Bakkesy summed up her goodbye with Ben perfectly:
@Bakkesy I thnk she likes mike but likes ben but not Ben more then mike cuz she likes mike but mike wont change but Ben will but she still likes mike
What the entire episode confirmed though, is that Chris Harrison should give up being the Dick Clark of the reality world and become a full-time interrogator. He broke Casey down like it was his JOB (it’s not, he is a host).
Another one bites the dust.
At this point you may be thinking: How could this show get any better? … No wonder it’s unscripted you can’t WRITE this stuff. Or: You are sealing your envelope on your application for Bachelor Canada. But buckle up folks, it gets better.
In the most AWKWARD scene in television history …………..
Jamie wins eye covering, jaw dropping, forehead slapping performance of a lifetime.
We are about 99.9 per cent confident that North America witnessed Jamie’s first kiss. Ever. There is no other explanation for how overly embarassing it was. The poor girl must have downed AT LEAST a gallon of tequila before mounting Ben and practically giving him a tutorial on mouth to mouth.
I equate this scene with the elevator scene in Drive, viewed here.
Both changed me. I could never watch either clips again.
“I had to leave the room and earmuff that entire scene.” – @missginnyhelen
I think the Bach producers will be installing a panic button on the inside lapel of every future Bachelor’s suit jacket after that attack. Safety first.
And with that, the remaining girls (oh, did I forget to mention Jamie didn’t get the rose!? #shock #upset) are off to Belize. Let the seven day countdown begin!
#BachPool STANDINGS after week six:
I am not in last place…. That is all.
Kate – 373
Shannon – 336
Rhiannon – 324
Jess – 293
ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – 237 (small victories)
Meg (sucker!) – 206