By: In a Nutshell Guest Contri“Beaut”tors
While the Holiday season has come and gone, many men are still clueless as to what went wrong a week ago, leading to them ending up in the illusive ‘doghouse.’ Just as quickly as the holidays have disappeared, so have your happy-go-lucky relationships.
Let’s just agree on one thing: it’s (nearly) impossible for a man to get his significant other the ‘right’ Christmas gift. It’s actually more likely for Santa to land on your roof, slide down your chimney, and drop gifts under the tree, than for a guy to pick the perfect gift.
However, we’ve come up with a general guide, based partly off past experiences, stories we’ve heard, and probably a few myths, for the lads who struggle every year to get a satisfactory gift for their girl.
Get out a pen and paper and start taking notes, because you’ll want to remember the top gifts to NOT get for your girlfriend:
Fitness Equipment/Gym Membership
So you love getting your swell on at the gym and think “hey! I should get my chick a gym membership and a stair stepper for her apartment. Great idea!” …Despite your best intentions, you’re guaranteed to get a reaction that’s not quite as enthusiastic. You might as well have told her that her jeans make her butt look big and that outfit gives her muffin top. Big No-No. So even if she asked for fitness equipment, don’t do it. It’s most likely a trap. Unfortunately if you’re getting led into traps like this you may be barking up the wrong tree. That said, if you’re determined to bond with your babe in a different physical way, stick to something that you can do as a couple, like hot yoga or something.
Who hates cash? Nobody. Does a gift card to her favourite store guarantee she will get
something she really loves? Yes. However, the unfortunate truth is that nothing screams out ‘shortcut’ quite like a gift card or cash. There’s actually a trigger in a woman’s brain that releases an ecstasy-like endorphin when they know a man struggled to get them a great gift. This rush results in a woman willing to do anything for their man in return, so don’t opt for the shortcut gentlemen.
While some may claim that the kitchen is a woman’s natural habitat, this is not something a man should ever state in words, or by their actions. Therefore, do not ever buy your lady any cooking or kitchen-related items. As much as she might talk about what she would really love to have in the kitchen, she doesn’t want these items as gifts on big occasions. The irony here is that a gift she loves will naturally result in her migrating to the kitchen to cook a feast fit for a king.
Maybe you’ve been together for a while and really want to get her something special this year. The past few years you’ve dropped the ball because, let’s face it, this lovey stuff isn’t your strong suit. One of the lads says over beers “hey get her a promise ring bro. I got my babe one last year and look at us now, we’re getting married in Vegas.” Sure, you may promise to love her for as far as you can see into the future, but if you’re not planning on proposing to this girl by spring time, you’re sending the wrong message. You give her a promise ring and she’ll have a caterer booked and baby names written down before Boxing Day.
You’re a lucky dude. You’ve got a lady that doesn’t mind cleaning up and keeping the place spic and span. Some call it symptoms of OCD but that’s not the point, the girl likes to clean! What better than to give her some new tools that you know she’ll make great use of. A sweet new Swiffer you saw on TV, some lovely smelling Lysol wipes, and the piece de resistance – slippers that double as dusters! Nailed it! High fives all around!
…Really brah? Really? If you think she’ll think this is anything but a joke of a gift, even our advice is going to help you. On a positive note, you’ll have some cleaning supplies that you can use when she leaves you.
Tickets to Sporting Events
Women are the sneakiest creatures on this planet when it comes to
dealing with men – they will fake emotions, say things they don’t mean,
and plot against men to get what they want… and it almost always works.
Some of the smartest and sneakiest women are those who pretend to like
sports. Men flock to
sporting events, and the ‘girl who loves sports’ follows along to reap the
benefits. The only sport this genius woman likes is shooting fish in a barrel.
But don’t be fooled men, even the best fakers will not be able to fake liking the tickets you bought in order to ‘bond over your love of sports.’ We all know this gift is really for yourself.
Chicks love clothes. They fill these rooms called “closets” up with tons of them, even ones they never plan on wearing. Most would think it’s a perfect gift, and worst case it’ll just go into these mysterious closet things (I know, I’d never heard of them either) right? Au contraire, mon frère. There are way too many ways a simple top can be overanalyzed by the opposite sex:
“He knows I hate the color salmon”;
“A medium?! He thinks I’m a medium?!”;
“I would NEVER wear this.”
So as much as it could be a home run gift, the risk is way higher than
the reward, But if you do find yourself is this predicament, do yourself a favor and make sure to get a gift receipt and buy two sizes too small.
There’s no bigger slap in the face than telling your girl she needs to
slap a little something on her face. Face it guys, you don’t know
anything about makeup anyway, so stay away from something that’s
almost a guaranteed failure, not to mention relationship breaker.
The only exception here is spa packages: the ultimate win-win. Don’t
be stupid though – couples spa packages sound cute, but you’re going
to have to pretend to enjoy it for the whole day. The spa was made for
women; keep it that way. Why not let her take a girlfriend, while you
stay at home, call over all the boys and have a few cold ones while
watching the game. Boom – you just became a legend.
Okay, You’re looking to show her your soft side with hopes that it’ll lead you down the road to the ‘promised land.’ Lets see, blankets are soft, kittens are soft, ah! A cute stuffed animal. Your first thought is “man, every girl collected those TY Beenie Babies back in the day, it’d be perfect!” Think again my dude, we’re not 12 anymore. Stuffed animals are down right creepy and if the chick still has her collection of stuffed animals perfectly placed on her bed, maybe you’ve got bigger problems.
Are you at that awkward point in a relationship when you’re not sure if you should get her a gift, but you didn’t have the ‘are we getting each other presents’ talk? Even if you did have the talk and agreed on not getting gifts, you’d be stupid to believe your girl doesn’t actually want a gift. Suck it up and break the bank, because the potential downside of not getting a gift could be disastrous.
On the plus side, you can stay safe and look great in two different ways:
1. If she surprises you with something, you’re prepared for this trick and you fire back with your gift, you classy man.
2. If you want to be a real boss and she gets you nothing, why not give her the gift you got for her anyway? Your girl will indebted to you, and you come off as a real prince charming.
Feeling cheap? If you buy something, and she gets you nothing (as you guys agreed upon), don’t bust out your gift to her, hold on to that receipt, and take it back. Time to treat yourself!
Well there you have it. The top gifts not to get your GF, or what some may call the ‘top ways to return to the single life.’ Steer clear of these and you should keep yourself out of the doghouse, at least until Valentines Day…
From us Beauticians and the lovely ladies of inanutshell, we wish you a Merry Christmas and the best of luck with the babes in the New Year.
Professionals by day, animals by night, Allan Gordon & Ken Essex
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