Bach is back. ALRIGHT!* (to the tune of Backstreet’s Back)

My father sends my family daily emails. When it’s something REALLY “important” he starts them off with GUYS, GUYS, GUYS….

So, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS….

Bachy is back.

I. Kid. You. Not. – even a next-door three alarm fire that knocked power out of my ENTIRE block, moments before Bachy was supposed to commence, did not stop the Ottawa contingency of the nuts from getting together for a long overdue #BachyParty. And wow, did Emily not disappoint.

Bach Gods, I freakin missed you.

OMFG. I’m so excited.

Now here, I must admit something shocking and downright shameful. Due to an important phone interview, that I simply could not postpone … I MISSED the first 20 minutes of the show. Wow. Get it together. Priorities. Re-evaluate your life. I know. I know.

So this re-cap is commencing with the moment when Em’s “studs” (like, ONE of them was actually cute) started pouring out of the limos.

Actually, no. This post starts with: Is it just us or did Emily have some work done?

Feelin’ a little Heidi Montag vibe?

Her face seemed a littttle tighter than the last time she graced the reality television world with her presence. Really doesn’t matter AT ALL because she’s still gorgeous. Girl crush.

First one out of the limo was Sean, who is among the cute-but-not-THAT-cute guys. We were pleased he didn’t do anything stupid and embarrass himself. And by pleased I mean completely disappointed. Where is the entertainment value here if these guys actually act NORMAL.

After the THIRD guy didn’t do anything nuts we were seriously getting annoyed. Cue Joe who exited the limo with a resounding “EMILYYYYY!” which we obvs loved and have probably reenacted upwards of 20 times since. #WaytogoJoe great hashtag.

“I race cars.” Sold.

Arie, the racecar driver- who was our first overall draft pick (more on that later) and who will probably win the entire thing because again, he is a RACECAR DRIVER – is actually super hot. I’d pick him too.

Aaron the biology teacher had a BRUTAL pick up line about having “chemistry” with Emily. Then followed Alessandro.

This sums it up best:

I guess the girls who had watched the 20 minutes I missed were pulling for Leron. Mostly because he walks his Chihuahua and because they could yell “Le-Ronnnnnn” in a deep voice every time he appeared on camera.

I somehow missed Jef’s (one f.. come on) entrance. But, he seems to somehow be a front runner after showing off his skateboard talents. If Emily is Barbie, then this hair cut makes him “totally 80’s” Ken.

I started off really liking Stevie … and by the end I HATED him – which is really not far off from how my dating life goes in real life. Sweet dance moves bro though, seriously. Had me at the boom box… and at the job. PARTY EMCEE.

In my notes for Charlie I have “Cute. Like him.” And that’s about as complimentary as I get on nutshell recaps … and then came Tony.

Ok, Tony. Let’s get this straight. Yes, every girl grew up with Disney. Yes, we stupidly expect our lives to unfold like some kind of miraculous fairytale. No, we do not want you to bring us a glass slipper on a first date. No… just, no.

Luckily, his brutal entrance was followed with Randy dressing like a grandma (!?!?!?!?!?!?!?). Because every guy dressed like a grandma is instantly sexy, husband material in my eyes and all women worldwide. Blink, blink, blink.

Run, Emily.

“How can people not like this show? It’s SO funny.” – Kelly

Then came Nate who looked nervous and young. Which was hilarious juxtaposed with Brent who is a 41-YEAR-OLD Dad of six. Emily is 26. We are not ageist here at inanutshell, but from Brad to Dad would have been a bit of a jump.

John “Wolf” came next. Like he actually had “Wolf” in his name credit. I have no words.

“I’m smiling to be nice. This is weird as hell.”

Travis decided it would be a really smart move to carry around a large EGG that looked as though it was made of MARBLE around to signify that he’ll always take care of Ricki, Emily’s daughter. W.T.F. Did this not remind anyone else of those bags of flour you would get in Home Ec class that you had to carry around everywhere? Then you would obviously not take care of it at all and somehow your Mom would end up running it over or your dog would eat it. Ya, Trav, we’ll see if you last as long as my bag of flour did.

“He’s freakin everybody out” – Meg

Music Mike was alright. Kind of looked like he’d attended rehab instead of just worked there but he seemed sweet.

Next came Jean-Paul who made me instantly think of that Seinfeld episode. “Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul.” And THEN I found out he was the MARINE BIOLOGIST and it completely blew my mind. Seinfeld fans, appreciate this as much as I do. Please.

Alejandro. Ok, let’s forget for a moment that he’s a poor man’s Christiano Ronaldo, with bling earings. (“He’s never going to win” – Meg) And let’s focus on how the Bachelorette producers could have possibly casted Alessandro and Alejandro. It’s not like it’s the name “John” … get with it.

Ryan was ADORABLE. Like legit, I would have been swooning. Whipping out a note that said “You’re so beautiful” on one side and “I’m so nervous” on the other AND playing it off in a cool I’m-not-a-stalker way. Wow, full points awarded. Not to mention he’s one of two actually attractive guys. AND he’s a personal trainer / ex-footballer. Hi Ryan.

No, you are.

And then came Kalon. First, terrible spelling. Second, he flew down in a helicopter. Pretty cool, I guess. Reminiscent of Lindzi’s horse entrance last season. I feel as though future contestants are just going to keep trying to one up each other. Next thing you know, someone rolls in with an army tank, hot air balloon or by controlling a life size transformer. Could happen. Probably will.

He was instantly hated by every other man, which historically means he might win.

“It’s almost more fun with guys. Girls you can just judge ‘she’s annoying, she’s ugly, she’s a slut’. But, with guys you can just laugh at how stupid they look.” – Kate

As Emily made her rounds “I’m so glad you’re here” definitely became the phrase that irked me to my core. I still hear Ben saying “if we can overcome this, we can overcome anything” in my nightmares.

Emily obviously looked gorgeous, but you could tell her outfit was mom-ified by her flesh tone mesh on her backless dress. She will know be known as Flesh-Mesh-Mommy, by the way.

Chris probably was the highlight of the night when he pulled out two bobble-heads made in the likeness of himself and Emily. I can’t decide if this was creepy or hilarious. I’ll go with both. It is Bach after all.

But, it was a “one hundo p” no brainer that Doug was going to get the first impression rose after he read Emily a letter that his son had wrote her. Single Dad meet Single Mom. I predict this guy will go far. Wish I snagged him in the pool. Damn.

Smitten kitten.

And with that, she whittled the group down to 19, sending – among others – Dad, Grandma and Le-Rrrronnnn home. Shucks.

NOW! Bach fans. If you want to make watching these painful and hilarious episodes even more fun (possible? Yes!), then I highly suggest you round up your group of friend fanatics and do a DRAFT before the next episode.

Third seed was the worst. Who do you think will run away with this?

Because, it was probably the most fun thing I did all week. Ok, well last night’s nutshell anniversary shenanigans came close. It’s been a good week.

What you do is draw numbers out of a hat (we had four people) and then pick in this order: 1,2,3,4,4,3,2,1… etc. We had to leave three guys out to make it even (we picked 16), so hopefully you get how that works. You select your men and voila, a point system to help you Queen (or King, I mean I live with our male correspondant @Bakkesy) Bachelorette Champion 2012. Feel free to email us at inanutshellca@gmail.com if you have more questions about setting up the pool.

BACHELOR POOL POINT SYSTEM.

Choose men – BEFORE episode two airs (and before you read all the spoilers, cheaters!)

How to WIN points:

- A cheek kiss: 1 point

- Hand holding 2 points

- Peck on the lips: 3 points

- Make-out (either three kisses in succession, or full blown frenching): 5 points

- First rose in the rose ceremony: 10 points

- One on one date: 5 points

- Rose on the group date: 10 points

- Each time a guy mentions “Ricki”: 2 points (and drink)
How to LOSE points:

- Crying (in any way shape or form): – 5 points

- Making Emily cry (in a sad way): – 10 points

- If you’re crying at the hands of another man: – 20 points

- Storm out of a room: – 2 points

- Gettin’ up in someone’s grill: – 5 points

- Saying “I love you” or any variation including the words “love” and ”you” TO EMILY before the hometown date: RESET points for that man

- If you say any variation of “love” and “her” to the camera before the hometown dates: – 5 points

There, well equipped for a fun, safe, and very guilty Monday. Until next week my friends.

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